Nicola- I read your post all the way to the end. I can hear your anxiety. Especially about doing to your kids what your parents did to you. I read recently that we fall in love with partners that subconsciously remind us of the positive and negative traits of our parents. The negative traits are especially important because we are searching out ultimate happiness by picking a surrogate parent (our partner), who is defficient in the same way our real parents are, and somehow making them give us the loving we were denied in our childhood. So it's like we are trying to relive our childhood problems in our marriages, but right all the wrongs. Of course, we don't usually have the skills to succeed at this.
I don't know if I believe all that stuff. But listening to your post makes me want to give it some more consideration.
Great reflection. I think most families are dysfunctional to one degree or another. I know mine was. My father told me he loved me, but many of his actions said otherwise. He's an alchoholic, in denial, and not a fun drunk. He get's short tempered, angry and very critical. I never knew who I might meet at any particular time, the angry guy, or the nice guy. At 83 he's still drinking. I've just kept distance between us, honor him, but don't allow him the chance to hurt me or my kid's. My kid's love him and wonder why we don't spend more time with him, but they've never seen his dark side.
My best friend, my Mom, died of cancer about 20 years ago. She knew me better than anyone, and was the one person I could ALWAYS count on. It's almost harder now not having her, than it was when I lost her in my 20's.
Anyway, a couple of things from your post. You grew up in with both parents living together, and how'd that work for ya? I suggest you tell your kid's you love them regularly, and show them how you love them through your loving acts. Also, listen to your kid's and acknowledge their feelings. Let them just vent sometimes like we all need to do. And listen to what they ask for, what they say they need from you(not the material stuff, the emotional stuff).
You'll probably have the tendency to try and control with subtle intimidation like your mom did, but it's good that you recognize that, so you can change that.
There are very few of us that have grown up in the perfect situation. Those lucky one's that did, are ill prepared for the imperfect world that we really live in. We need to recognize that the people who've hurt us most, are probably those most hurting.
You can still provide the loving family that you've always wanted for your kid's. Start now, today. Create it as God would want you to, with the blessing's He's given you.
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Thanks for a wonderful post Nicola. Yes, I read it all. Some things hit home and I can identify with you and your H:
---------------------- Things were good till DD10 was born. ----------------------
That happened to me also. When the kids came the focus changed. My W turned to the kids and I grew to resent it. That does not say much about me as I should have recognized this and worked on it. My W has not yet realized what you wrote; she only remembers that everything was bad. Your realization says a lot about you.
----------------------- "All I ever wanted was to have a happy family." He asked me if I wanted HIM, or just a husband/father. Of course, I said him, but now I'm not so sure. ------------------------
I had almost this EXACT exchange with my W after she dropped the bomb; except I added “babysitter” to the list. Her response was it was my own fault; that I let the family down, nothing to do with her. Your “now I’m not so sure” says so much about you as a person.
------------------------ Rationally, I realize that my H and I were NOT providing a happy home for our children when we were together. Because of our own issues, we could not do that. I am now giving them that, for the most part, anyway. ------------------------
I do believe that I have finally given my children a Father and a Daddy they deserve. I am no longer a babysitter. That would not have been possible if I had not been bombed and agreed to move out to give my W space. I also think that a nuclear family is best for the kids but given WE cannot control that it is up to US to make it as good as we can for them. You are doing that and that also says so much about you.
------------------------- I still don't know if H is capable of it, at least not if he had to deal with a marital R on top of the kids. -------------------------
I believe that is the way my W feels exactly; only she KNOWS.
I believe that as we accept our role in our situation realistically, and not taking all the blame, we grow to accept what has happened and use it for future growth. Your words indicate that is where you are. I am very impressed at your honest assessment here and the fact that you wrote this says to me that your kids will come out just fine.
Gosh Nicola, I did get to the end and I can identify so much with a lot of what you posted except for different reasons. My mum and dad have been M for 45yrs (just) and they are still very happy. They have always done things as a partnership (which is something I now realise H and I never achieved). My problems were based, I think, on the fact that my mum was jealous of my R with my dad and vice versa. Guess what exactly the same thing happened between me, H and D16! My R with my mother was very bad until I left home to M H. It only really improved once I had the kids. She so likes to be in control of everything, calls a spade a spade but doesn't like it when the same behaviour is exhibited back to her. Yep you guessed Alison turned into a mini version! I have never tried to committ suicide but many times as a child I wished I was dead. The only other time I have felt like this in during the last year since H left. I do consider however that I did have a reasonably happy childhood b/c my dad always gave me the love I felt my mum never showed. By the time she was able to show it I felt uncomfortable with the idea b/c I wasn't used to it. Yes just another learned trait.
The big difference in my case is that my dad had 8 sisters, many of whom exhibited the same traits as my mother. He grew up with it and accepted it as normal behaviour! The only female H had ever lived with before me was his mother and I've posted many times about how weak she is. Boy it's no wonder we are all keeping the pharmaceutical companies in business!
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Just letting you know I've read all this and THANK YOU! I'll come back later to reply to you all.
Today I ordered new address labels with my name only, and took H's name off my video store acct b/c he always has late fees and I'm sick of paying them. I wrote him a nice email about it. We'll see what he says. Who cares anyway?
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
nicola..thanks for cruising back into my thread. Great post and advice as always. I am still here, too, for you. Although I may not be as expert as many of your other followers here, please know that I care deeply for you and I keep following along. Here's to a better year...for both of us. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Imago therapy was developed by James Harville--this might be what opti is referring to. Harville's book is called "Getting the Love You Want," I think. In a nutshell, it discusses how we look for partners that bring out our flaws because we need to work them out.
Another book that might help you is Dr. Phil's "Family First." I haven't read it myself, but FF in Pittsburgh was reading it a while back and liked it, and I got a lot out of "Relationship Rescue." Maybe he also lists other titles that you would find interesting.
The greatest thing is that you recognize where you need to grow and change, Nicola. You've already come a LONG ways in terms of your R with yourself and your R with H. Now you get to work on your R with your kids. Dump the guilt and move forward in that R. It will be so rewarding!
((((nicola)))). I read your post to the end, and read the replies. I don't have much to add other than to agree that awareness is the first step in recovery. And I don't believe we are destined to repeat patterns with our children unless we refuse to become aware of them. So IMO you are heading in absolutely the right direction.
I know it is hard to dump guilt and shame. One thing that I resisted for a long time, but that is seeming to work, is the use of positive affirmations. Seriously, you might consider standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself out loud that you are a loving mom, a good listener, a good role model to your children, etc., etc. I know it seems silly, and as I said, I resisted for awhile. But I think it helps, and it's recommended by plenty of "experts."
Hi Nicola, Thank you for sharing that post and I'm sure that we can all relate to at least some of what you said about how your parents and upbringing have affected you.
But please understand YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! You have nothing to feel guilty about. Marriage is hard and it is often not fun and nobody tells us this. Even when we have horrible role models for parents like you and I did, we still get married thinking we are going to be different--we are going to improve on the old model, we will provide the happy home for our children that our parents did not. But we cannot always control what happens because both husband and wife have to be committed to working through it--even when the going gets tough. And both husband and wife need to remain loyal to each other. I didn't realize that your H had cheated before (oh man it makes me so mad!) because I think unless they work VERY hard to change that behavior, the likelihood of them repeating it is high.... Therapy, therapy, therapy. As you know, my H is a serial monogamist--he ended all his relationships the way he ended ours and even had a one night stand himself before we were married--and why did I think he would change???
I agree with COG---parents staying together just for the kids, when they are unhappy is not a good thing. It had negative effects on you and soperhaps you should say to yourself something like this: I am glad I met my H because otherwise I would never have had these 2 beautiful children that I love more than anything. I am also grateful that I have not presented the same example for my children that my parents did for me. And so, with the way things were going in my marriage, perhaps it is best that we end it so that both of us (but mostly me) have a chance again at a love and happiness.
Of course Nicola, I wish I could take my own advice—I’ve been a basket case the last couple days and yesterday I turned 42 which doesn’t help matters. I have been feeling the same as you lately--sad and mournful of what is no more and what cannot be--me and my family as one unit. I hate it and still, even after a year of MM being gone, find it hard to accept. I mourn for my children who are quite heartbroken over it and I feel angry as hell toward the 2 people who so thoughtlessly ruined my family and caused so much damage. But I must believe that good things await me and my children down the road and you need to believe it and visualize it too.
When we got home tonight from our 2 weeks away , the children went to bed and began crying as they did in the beginning-once again realizing that their daddy is not here to tuck them in, missing him and calling out into thin air for him. They miss him so much but all I can do is try to make this a safe and loving place for them--I have no control over what that man does or does not do.
On the brighter side Nicola, you can be a strong mother for your children. I am certain that you will create a happy home environment for them. You will learn from your parents because good or bad, they were your best teachers and they have taught you both what is good and what is bad parenting. Take what you need from their example and continue to improve on that obsolete model. We have an opportunity to function as mothers without the rigid boundaries of fairytale expectations. We are wiser now ad can use that wisdom to forge a new life. Don't you feel you have a bit more freedom now? Isn't there more elbow room and space for you to create your own "Nicola" space and family? You no longer have to be judged by a man who did not understand or nurture you. You are a very beautiful and loving woman and I bet there are a lot of suitors out there who, when and if you are ready, will provide you with ample choices for a wonderful husband. You must never give up hope for happiness Nicola, you are far too special and important.
Nicola ~ I also read your whole post to the end and I think alot of us probably feel the same way you do. It is hard not to think that in some way shape or form we have failed our children by not giving him a happy home with two happy parents. Unfortunately it isn't all up to us. We do what we can with what we are given.
You are making their childhood different than yours by being the terrific mother you are. You are there for them when they need you. You are involved in their lives. You show them the unconditional love a child deserves. They will never ever forget how you were during this difficult time in all their lives.
Don't ever doubt yourself Nicola ~ You are awesome in so many different ways and your kids know this as well or better than anyone does.
Much Love!
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
