Thanks for a wonderful post Nicola. Yes, I read it all. Some things hit home and I can identify with you and your H:
---------------------- Things were good till DD10 was born. ----------------------
That happened to me also. When the kids came the focus changed. My W turned to the kids and I grew to resent it. That does not say much about me as I should have recognized this and worked on it. My W has not yet realized what you wrote; she only remembers that everything was bad. Your realization says a lot about you.
----------------------- "All I ever wanted was to have a happy family." He asked me if I wanted HIM, or just a husband/father. Of course, I said him, but now I'm not so sure. ------------------------
I had almost this EXACT exchange with my W after she dropped the bomb; except I added “babysitter” to the list. Her response was it was my own fault; that I let the family down, nothing to do with her. Your “now I’m not so sure” says so much about you as a person.
------------------------ Rationally, I realize that my H and I were NOT providing a happy home for our children when we were together. Because of our own issues, we could not do that. I am now giving them that, for the most part, anyway. ------------------------
I do believe that I have finally given my children a Father and a Daddy they deserve. I am no longer a babysitter. That would not have been possible if I had not been bombed and agreed to move out to give my W space. I also think that a nuclear family is best for the kids but given WE cannot control that it is up to US to make it as good as we can for them. You are doing that and that also says so much about you.
------------------------- I still don't know if H is capable of it, at least not if he had to deal with a marital R on top of the kids. -------------------------
I believe that is the way my W feels exactly; only she KNOWS.
I believe that as we accept our role in our situation realistically, and not taking all the blame, we grow to accept what has happened and use it for future growth. Your words indicate that is where you are. I am very impressed at your honest assessment here and the fact that you wrote this says to me that your kids will come out just fine.
