Nicola - Congratulations on your decision for total immersion baptism.
I hope that you continue to have the strength to continue, as you are an amazing person. I do know what you mean about exhaustion. I have got to the point where I really can't take any more - hence have gone completely dark, and refuse all contact. It was necessary for me to survive. I don't feel that my h has made any progress - he did, and then slipped further back into the pit. He is icy cold, and really 'dead'. Truly a pitiless alien.
One thing that bothers me is that reading TMAK's reconnection thread, there is no-one for him to reconnect to, because they are totally p*ssed off with the way that he has treated his family. The children don't trust him any more, and have rejected his most recent attempts to play 'Mr Pass for Normal' [let's pretend that everything is OK, and that people do this sort of cr*p all the time, and it is no big deal for adults is it?] No, there is an ELEPHANT in the room dad, that everyone can see but you.
Quote: I was nicely dressed, made up, washed my hair, in a good mood. H looked like hell--unshaven, dirty hair sticking up on his head.
Enough said. Really no need to comment here. nicola, you are strong, level-headed and at as good a place as any of us could be in a similar sitch. Keep the pace. Stay strong.
And........
Thanks for staying with me in mine.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Angelica - Thanks for your kind words. Right now, my focus is on me and my R with God and my children. I am excited and nervous about my baptism on Sunday; I have to give a little speech (2-3 mins) about why I'm doing it.
My H actually started to reconnect a few months ago, but seems to have taken a backward step in the last few weeks. It's very confusing.
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Boundaries:
I am in a good place emotionally today. Plus, I'm almost done marking term papers--only 11 more to go, then I can submit my grades online and the semester will be done.
More importantly, I took an important step with H yesterday. When he dropped the kids off, he asked if I was going out NYE or not; I said I still didn't know, and asked if he was. He replied, "YES!" in a "duh" kind of tone. I said, "Okay, I'm asking b/c you didn't tell me." We went on w/ the convo, but I was not happy.
This time, however, after he left, I decided that I was not going to be treated like this anymore. As you all know(!), he's done this kind of thing before, and I've always just let it go. No more. Regardless of whether or not we reconcile, I will not allow myself to be spoken to disrespectfully.
I called him and he didn't answer, so I left a message re. NYE, and then said, "I would appreciate it if you would speak to me respectfully. I try to speak to you in a respectful way [I kind of choked here and turned it into a laugh b/c I was so tempted to say, 'even though you don't deserve it'], and I'd apprecate it if you did the same. I asked you about NYE because you hadn't told me, and I don't like being spoken to as if I'm an idiot. Thank you." I spoke calmly, but forcefully.
He called back maybe five minutes later, but I didn't answer. He left quite a long msg apologizing and saying that he didn't realize he was doing that, he's short of breath b/c of the gastro he still has (after over a week?), blah blah. About 10 mins after that, he called again to ask if I'd heard the message! Incredible but true, he apologized again and asked me exactly what he'd said. I told him and said it wasn't the first time it had happened, but I'd never said anything before. He told me he would be more careful in the future, then made some conversation about my baptism. He asked if anyone had ever died during it, and I said not at my church, but I did know of an incident where a pastor was electrocuted accidentally. H said, "okay, okay, I don't want to hear that, bye!" lolol! I guess he doesn't like the idea of having the kids 100% of the time!!
Friends, I am so glad I did that. In the past, I would have avoided the confrontation, or yelled at him. I wasn't able to say something like that w/o being angry, but now I can. It is a big step for me to demand proper treatment, and I'm proud of myself. I know that it is up to me to show H how I expect to be treated, and if he does decide he wants to work on it again, he will know the rules.
He was supposed to take the kids today for a couple of hours. It's his b'day. He called at 11 [when he was supposed to be here] to say that he still had the gastro [seems to be the excuse for everything], so he was resting. He would come in 1/2 hour. I was sympathetic and said he could just rest if he wants to. He called 10 mins later to say that he actually wasn't going to do that b/c he just wasn't up to it, but he wanted to see the kids, so he'll come over later to take them out for an hour.
At first, I was thinking, he'd probably hungover again. I know, I know - I always think the worst, but it's with good reason. I was thinking that, and what a jerk, loser, etc etc. But then I thought, poor guy. If he is hungover, he must feel so bad that he's once again had to cancel on the kids, and must really feel ashamed to not be able to control his drinking. If he still really has the stomach flu after 10 days, then that's really awful!! Must be some kind of serious virus. HA!
Okay, off to finish my marking...
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Quote: Truthfully, if we didn't have children together, I would have no reason to even consider a reconciliation.
I can relate to that. D is very hard on kids, and as a parent, the last thing our nature wants to do is hurt them. It's just so darned complicated, especially for people with integrity. Maybe we need more laws requiring people to have college degree's in M, before actually being allowed to be M. Something to save us from ourselves.
Quote: I am still considering filing myself in Jan. We had agreed to wait till March, but I'm sick of waiting.
Well, maybe just check yourself. If you want to file in Jan instead of March just to give him a punch, then I would say that's not nice. However, if that's what's best for YOU, and your not just being spiteful, then I can understand that.
Quote: I deserve so much better than this.
Yes you do, and I'm positive that there's a purpose for our struggle.
I'm sorry things don't seem to be working out for you. But, I'm so happy to see you on your feet, moving forward, and growing spiritually. You are a beautiful person and I'm very proud of you. Your H is weak and flawed just like many people on this earth. I think we're called to love one another, but maybe not necessarily give our lives for someone that does'nt care. Hang in there Nic.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Nicola - my h also started to reconnect, and then did back and forths, but went back further and harder into the tunnel. I think in part he started to see how much damage he had caused, and couldn't cope. It was easier to bolt back rather than face his demons.
In August I also told him that he had treated me with rudeness and contempt, and he was astonished, but he did treat me more civilly subsequently.
Like you, I feel that this is now my journey, and about how I turn out . . . I really like the person I am turning into - if that doesn't sound to MLCish!
I told my H the same about his rude behavior. The next time I saw him, he was much nicer but then went completely dark. He didn't send Merry Christmas wishes when he called the boys or acknowledge the fudge and cookies, I snt to hi. What a butthead.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Angelica - I read your news on YR's thread ~ hurray! I do so hope that things turn out the way you would like. As you say, however, either way, you are getting better all the time.
COG - Yes, I agree that I have to be aware of my motivations before making any major decisions; I do not want to do things for the wrong reasons. Thank you for your thoughts.
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I saw H today - I think I will be seeing him every day till Tuesday. He did come to hang out with the kids for an hour; they just stayed here b/c S5 wanted to play w/ his new trains. He opened his presents--this time, I sat on the other side of the room, and he actually got up, walked over, and kissed me "thank you"! Will wonders never cease? I ordered pizza for me and the kids, and he said he was sorry he couldn't eat it b/c of his stomach (although he was still going out!). He did admit to drinking a bottle of wine last night, which he said probably wasn't a good idea. *sigh* I made myself scarce most of the time he was here; I don't like opening myself up to being hurt, and I figure he can seek me out if he wants to.
I got my schedule for next semester, and it is GREAT! I can't believe how lucky I am; maybe God had mercy on me b/c my last schedule was so sucky. Last semester, I taught till 6 PM three days a week, and started at 8 AM on the fourth day. This time, I have Fridays off (marking day); I don't teach after four any day, and I only have one 8 AM start! This means that the day I finish at four, D10 has piano, so my mum will pick her up and take her anyway, but H won't ever have to pick up the kids. My mum will also help me out the one day I start early. H will still have the kids on Thursday evenings so I can go back to choir. Ah, it will be nice not to see H every Monday, Tues, Thurs and Sat. Now it'll just be Mon (v. brief), Thurs and Sat (brief also).
He does seem to be making itsy bitsy steps forward, but I just don't know anymore--I'm not putting any stock in it.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Quote: He opened his presents--this time, I sat on the other side of the room, and he actually got up, walked over, and kissed me "thank you"! Will wonders never cease?
Indeed! I honestly believe there is no telling how the MLCer thinks/reacts from one day to the next. I've been sitting here trying to think what you did that could've made him react this way but it baffles me.
I agree with you in that you should make yourself scarce when he's around so that you are not opening yourself up to being hurt. If he wants to see you, he can go looking for you. I do see hope. Do not give up. He will peak outside the cave now and then and may also retreat but as long as he's still peaking, he will eventually realize that life is so much brighter outside the cave.
God is looking after you. He knows how hard you've been working and now its time for Nicola. 2007 is already looking so much brighter.
Your schedule sounds great--so glad you can go back to singing!
I think your message regarding speaking respectfully was awesome. I've done this as well from time to time, and my H really notices and apologizes. I need to stay consistent about it, though, so don't be surprised if you have to say it again.
It has been a long time since I have posted on your thread...or anyones' for that matter. I guess my life is settling down to a certain degree and feel as though these boards bring back too many bad/negative feelings.
From what I have read, of your sitch, it seems to me that you are still reacting to what your H does or does not do. You still hold on to expectations when you should just let them go. The longer you hold on, the longer you pursue, the more you will be let down. Your H has told you to let go numerous times and yet you still hang on. He is obviously still drinking and has not worked on his own issues. As I have found with my XW you too must realize they dont care, nor will they listen, to our advice. Your H has deeper issues that only he knows about and only he can deal with them. Let him go so that at least you can move forward in your life.
I honestly believe there is no telling how the MLCer thinks/reacts from one day to the next. I've been sitting here trying to think what you did that could've made him react this way but it baffles me.