Me: 40 H: 41 on 29/12 2 kids (D10 and S5) M: 14 yrs Bomb: Aug 12/05 (ILYBINILWY and ow) S: Aug 13/05
Broke up with ow about a month or two later.
Last month, told me that he just isn't able to be in a committed, monogamous, long-term R. He wishes he could, but he can't. He's been in therapy approx. every two weeks since just before he left.
Hey babe! Just checking in. FWIW, I agree witht he comments you got at the end of your last thread that this is all about H, not you. It is painful, but try to laugh at him instead of letting those heart darts hit you.
My celebration involves staying as far away from sales as possible!! I am just cleaning up a bit around here. All the boxes and bows and etc...
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I am actually doing better today - irritated instead of sad!
H was supposed to take the kids for the day so I could grade term papers. Ugh, but must be done. He was supposed to come at ten, but I called him at 9:45 to ask him to come in an hour b/c the kids wouldn't be ready at 10. I woke him up, so he wouldn've been late anyway.
When he got here, we were all playing with this fun new toy S5 got: It's a Fisher-Price piano that you attach to the TV. I was nicely dressed, made up, washed my hair, in a good mood. H looked like hell--unshaven, dirty hair sticking up on his head. He played with the kids for a few minutes, then decided to take them out b/c IT FINALLY SNOWED TODAY!!! They were having some trouble segueing into a new activity, so H ended up yelling at them and swearing. They were just having day-after-Christmas fun! Of course, this caused them to really freak out, and then they both ended up crying in different rooms. H said, "Why are they so badly behaved?" DUH?? Cuz you're swearing at them? It's not their fault you're hungover (pretty sure of that). I just said, "I don't know." Then I said that he doesn't seem to be having a good day and maybe another day would be better. But then D10 calmed down and wanted to go with him.
Finally, they went outside and made a snowman, then D10 came in crying b/c she was wet after about 45 mins. The whole thing was a fiasco. H went back to his place and said he'd take them for the day on Thursday.
He just brought so much negative energy into the house, filling it with anger and tears. I was so happy to see him go, and so disgusted with his behaviour. I just don't want this man in my life. Yes, he is sick. But his is not taking the steps he needs to in order to get better. Spending a lot of time with his best friend is not helping--he is a big drinker, and also depressed. What a pair. I feel like H is just going further back into the tunnel again.
I am strong now, though, and I don't want this in my life. If he wants to go forward with the S/D in January, I will not contest it. I am detaching as much as possible. I really can't stand to be around him anyway, so it won't be hard!
I hope everyone is doing better today, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I saw H this past Friday, and my first thought "oh, so glad that I'm not spending a Friday night with you... a glass of wine and a book sounds SO MUCH better."
It wasn't smug anger/resentment....more like "whew" when i remembered this past 15 months and the hell it was to live with that man, and even moments of the good H he was. He is a difficult man, and I like not living with that. It's draining, exhausting. It's wonderful to have that energy to myself.
I'm trying now not to spend my freed up time THINKING about him either. B/c that still gives that time/energy to HIM.
Living with an insecure, self-loathing, angry, self-pitying man is draining...and I imagine what it must be like to live with an alcoholic or drug abuser. Draining, like you're always managing a person's life, that they give little back and always trying to avoid THEIR next crisis/meltdown. It's always hoping, beyond hope, that they will change, love you, their family or their own life enough to stop drinking. But, sadly, you finally just have to realize that it's not your job to sit around waiting for that, to help them grow. That you have a life to lead and to live it, and that you CAN get up and walk away.
Doesn't mean that you give up in the future or that you can be together. Just that this journey is theirs alone.
Quote: I feel like H is just going further back into the tunnel again.
Before I read this I was thinking how your H seems to be slipping more so towards unhappiness then happiness. He may be one of those people that has to sink first before he can pick up the pieces of his life. Unfrotunatelly it may be to late but the time he gets around.
Glad to hear that you are lookin good and feeling good. Unfortunate that H couldn't get his $hit together so you can finish paper grading but you handled it all so well. way to go. Have a good day.
Neli
******************************* Both: 33 Together 13y; Married 8y Kids: DD8 and DS5 Separated: 08/31/06 D Filed: 2/21/07
Quote: H looked like hell--unshaven, dirty hair sticking up on his head.
Sorry, couldn't help but laugh. I pictured him SO clearly in my mind, wasn't surprised at all later when you said you thought he was hungover.
Negative energy, well said. And I'm sorry that's what he brought. You're right I think to realize that this is his problem, and I think you're equally right to not want to have to be impacted by his problem anymore.
I can't think of anything that I think would help you, just to say I'm sorry you keep getting this kind of stuff from him. And maybe to say that his behavior just makes it clear how sick he really is. To have a wife as amazing as you, to have children as lovely as yours, and STILL not be able to get your act together enough to realize how good you could have it and be able to cherish all of you a bit? There's some serious sickness going on there.
Thinking about you and wishing you some time of peace.
Oh, and great sympathies on the paper grading, one teacher to another. I've got some of my own to grade before this Christmas break is over.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Quote: I've got some of my own to grade before this Christmas break is over.
I got lucky, I had an extra hour for planning on Thursday because one of my groups had a service learning project scheduled. So I have no papers to grade. I don't teach in a typical HS setting anyway. I teach in a residential treatment facility for boys. Very different situation, varied grade levels in one class. It has it's own challenges but I love it. A lot of remediation that uses my special ed training.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I'm praying for you. I just don't understand how some people can be so selfish. I'm getting a little tired myself so I can totally relate to you. It would be one thing if your H was making good choices in his life. But it seems he just keeps on making poor choices, the people he hangs out with, the drinking, etc. That's not healthy. I just finished a 12 step ALANON program a couple of months ago. I think something like that might help you alot.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Thanks for your words of solidarity. This is a dark time for me. I feel as if I am at my breaking point. The good news is, *I* am not breaking this time, but my patience and my desire for a R with H are nearly broken.
Truthfully, if we didn't have children together, I would have no reason to even consider a reconciliation. I am looking forward to finding fewer reasons to see him after the holidays. I am planning to go back to just emailing him once a week w/ kids' stuff (as necessary). Now, if I call, it's just to confirm what time he will pick them up, and I don't make conversation. This is not a man I want anything to do with. His backslide over Christmas has made me really fed up. I deserve so much better than this. I am still considering filing myself in Jan. We had agreed to wait till March, but I'm sick of waiting. I'll see how it goes.
Meantime, I'm going to be immersion baptised on Sunday. I think this will be a great way to start the new year. I was baptised as an infant, and confirmed at age 13, but I feel a strong need to do this. Now I am an adult, and I am truly able to make the decision to give my life to Christ. I'm nervous, partly because I'm afraid it'll mean I'll have to be more compassionate w/ H if I'm going to really follow Him!! LOL! Even so, I will do it.
Still no plans for NYE. I told H that if he has plans and I don't, I will keep the kids w/ me instead of having them babysat. I would rather do that than be alone, knowing that I could have them with me.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
