My husband left almost 5 weeks ago. I have another post in the Newcomers forum titled In crisis please help. I have no clue how to link it. Let me say that initially I thought MLC was a bunch of hooey. Now I know better. It took me a while to see that that is exactly what H is experiencing. Not necessarily by the book but without a doubt. So here's my question, H is bipolar, does anyone know in what ways that MLC is different for those people. He has had the bipolar symptoms for years (at least 6) however now I am wondering if it has been MLC all along. Basic timeline is roughly when our daughter was born 6 yrs ago. He started having rages and blaming me for everything. He went on meds for a short time but then stopped taking them. Things seemed to really blow wide open a little over a year ago when his mother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. She went into remission in July and in Aug his affair started. He left in Nov. and I found out by snooping roughly 2 days later. He is now living with OW. I realise this post is pretty fragmented but another thing that I am wondering is, How can I tell better when the MLC started and what were the bipolar symptoms or what is the likely hood that it is all MLC. I did not go to the C or anything with him at the time so I am not even sure what the diagnoses was based on. Also he seems to be all over the place to where I can't really tell where he is at as far as the stages. Basically I need real guidance here. I have been reading everything I can lay hands on but not really being able to get a handle on how it differs for those that are bipolar. I know the depression he has experienced has been terrible for years with many suicide threats. Never any attempts that I know of. I simply cannot bring myself to think of the implications of the depression getting worse. He is dead set against meds as well as C.
Very sorry to meet you here this way, especially at this time of year. Some things about your post are not so rare. Some may be more unique.
Of course you must first learn that no two mlc are alike. No matter how bad we hope to find some logic or rationale in this syndrome, accept there is none.
We hope to learn our loved one is mlc instead of just simply a WAS who has checked out emotionally, of their free will. We believe the more we understand of mlc, the more we can predict or analyze our situation.
We can't. We can't tell if they are mlc, or just a sudden mistake of nature. We can't tell if there is a difference between the two. We can't improve our own situation a great deal by focusing on what might be wrong with our spouse. We can focus on ourself. We can focus on a small positive each day, and try to make others smile. These things will make our day better, and in the end that is all that is important, because it is all that we can control, and it is the way our life was suppose to be.
We should not stop living just because someone we care a great deal about has fallend off life's radar for the time.They will bleep on and off for a while and we will hear the beep, so we don't have to stare at the screen.
Bipolar. Some books say the onset of mlc is a form of bipolar disease. We see them all demonstrate this. If your H is truely BP, you could be in a real tough place trying to make sense of this. MLC could exagerate his BP actions. His BP struggles could complicate his mlc transition. The two can drive you nuts. Don't wear yourself out with it.
Many of us have spent the last couple years reading about mlc. Some of us will spend the next year or two reading about re-inventing ourself. You should mix the two as you begin to examine mlc. Give yourself plenty of self development and positive direction during this time. Consider the new year a good time to set goals for yourself. Do not make them all about understanding mlc. No one does. They know things that may have contributed, they may know some things shared by those that come through mlc and return, but no one can say which MLCer will or won't. No one can tell us how to make our story turn out the way we think it should. It may. It may not. It can depend on you though.
If you become determined now to keep this from killing you inside, you can control the outcome. You can focus on yourself, the only person you have any control over. You can see this for what it is ... life. Unpredictable, uncontrollable, unexpected life. It is your life ... don't let anyone take it away from you.
Keep updating and others will share their own thoughts. Together we will all find our answers.
Well, you ask some excellent questions.... I really don't know how to answer the bipolar and MLC question, however, I can say from my own experience, it is difficult for me to separate bipolar and MLC. Both have such similar symptoms, while MLC seems to me, just another title for depression itself.
Please understand, I'm not trying to confuse you, as it seems you already have your hands full. I can tell you what I witnessed from my xh could have very well passed as bipolar, that's IF he would have been to a counselor or even a doctor and had been honest with the way he was feeling, emotionally and physically.
As for the stages, they are here as a general guideline, most don't follow those stages as they are written anyway, oh, they do go through the stages, but not always in the order or length of time given for the stages. I can tell you, he's in replay, but how long he will be there, is anyone's guess.
The blaming and rages, could have been in the preliminary stages of MLC, but also is common for men in depression, men get angry, not sad, like women do. Men blame others, feel angry, irritable and ego inflated, feel suspicious and guarded, create conflicts, sometimes are hostile, DEMAND respect from others, restless and agitated, change in sleeping patterns, uses alcohol, TV sports and sex to self medicate, often feel their problems could be solved if their spouse, parent or friend could just treat them better, often ask if they could be loved more or better.
Your only way you can help him, is to help yourself. Keep your focus on you, your children, making your home for you and your children a safe place. I know I sound callouse, but I have learned there is nothing you can do to save him, protect him from the things he is doing or may do.... for you will not be able to stop him, and if you try, he will feel like he is being controlled, and immediately RUN to the closest exit from your life together.
There are many great threads here listed on top of the board that were written by several people who have been here (some have moved on in their lives) for a long time yet have shared their insight with us. Sit back, get comfortable, read and get to know us here on the board, and if you have any questions, just jot them down in a post on your thread, and someone will be by to give you the answers you seek.
You have embarked on a very tough journey, that seems to take forever. You will find nearly all of us have been where you are today, and in time we have all found a way of dealing with all that is going on. It is hard, and at times it seems unbearable, yet we all learn and grow, in our own time.
Again, Welcome and know that you are not alone.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
I agree about the replay. Some days I feel so hopeful others not so much. It usually helps to read other threads here but sometimes it's just so damn depressing. He called XMAS day he made a few comments that made me think things with OW are not quite as hunky dory as he thought they were gonna be. He also wanted to make sure I had a way to contact him. I explained to him TY but I would only use it in case I had to for the kids and he would have to initiate any other contact. Now the waiting game begins I guess.
Havent really heard from him today I did hear second hand from his step father. In our custody agreement he is not allowed to have the children w/ OW and he has to stay with them at his parents. I was a little shocked he agreed to it. Anyway he agreed to keep them for 4 nights and 5 days which shocked the hell out of me. That means he will be away from her for that length of time. He also agreed to not try to use her to irritate me. Last week he gave me a MO for the Child Support and he had her fillit out to me then he just signed his name. Needless to say I was irate. So he has agreed not to do that again. I dunno what the hell is going on anymore. I'm so confused and dumbfounded by the whole situation.
I agre with LAughing...MLC and Bipolar are so similar. I think of MLC as temporary Bipolar.
My friend Lingy's MLCers is Bipoloar...has been for many years prior to any MLC issues. I spoke with her last night and asked if I could give you her email.
She said that would be fine...so if you email me, I can put you in touch with her.
She may or may not know a lot about Bipolar...but having dealth with a Bipolar spouse for over 25 years, she can at least understand your situation better than many others.
