Lack of trust. Or, really, too much need for trust due to a lack of self-trust. Is this what you're saying?:
She's afraid of ending up in a sub-par relationship again because she doesn't have confidence in her ability to fix or get out of it.
But she thinks she's afraid that I'm incapable of being a good partner.
---
Other thoughts:
I feel like I'm going into emergency mode again, where I see her standing there holding the plug, and I'm panicking. BUT, I don't feel prone to saying whatever she wants to hear to get her to stop.
What I DO feel is loads of anger. I found myself pounding on the bed this morning, screaming into my pillow. Seems like that volcano I said was inside her is inside me too. I feel like I'm just seeing the very first of my anger come out.
About having to be perfect. About spending all these years maintaining a good boy facade in order to keep people from seeing my faults and weaknesses, because I was afraid they'd reject me. About being ALONE because I was so afraid of being rejected. Worrying about every little outburst or bit of rowdiness from anyone because I thought I had to keep the boat absolutely still. I have wasted so much of my life like this, and it makes me want to take a sledgehammer to my house!
