Starting with Me

[Rigley]

I didn't really think that was the case... just an interesting premise.

It really is. Cobra's a sharp dude. Obviously it hit close to home, or I wouldn't have needed a whole paragraph to respond

[OG_Lou]

Why not copy and paste posts you find here to a word processor file and print it out for your W's benefit.

Aren't you worried about your wife tracking down this BB? Mine is not Internet savvy,

Rigley, I wasn't talking about "your posts" I was talking about women that had lower drive husbands and copy some of those posts to w word processor file and print it out for your W while explaining what you learned about the difference in sex drive causes people to feel and experience.

It would be like you saying you are learning a little more about how your W might be feeling. It would be showing her you care and the differences you two are having is not an isolated situation despite all of her female friends saying their husbands are always after them.

I was thinking your W was feeling like your situation was abnormal, which it isn't.


I might be like saying "here hon, here is a lady that is feeling the same way you are and this is what she and her H are doing/not doing about the situation."


No, I don't want you to show your W what you wrote here. That wasn't even close to my intention.

I think you are receiving excellent information here from other people so do what you think is best with my suggestion.

Cobra's advice about it being difficult to change your innerself is true but I see you are making great progress with your posts about how and what you feel and things you actually do.

I was exposed to a mix of strict religious beliefs so sort of see where you are coming from.

Lou

[Rigley]

I might be like saying "here hon, here is a lady that is feeling the same way you are and this is what she and her H are doing/not doing about the situation."

I think this is a great suggestion, Lou, thanks. I think I may start getting it together, and then wait for the right time.

Thanks again,
Rigley

[OG_Lou]

Before you show your W anything, post it here so some of the better writers can scan it for misinterperted meanings. You know, like my first message might have given you the wrong idea from what I thought I was saying.

Honeypot's recent post on this thread #1320228 is an example of what I would put in something I would show your W. Edit to remove your name, so your W doesn't think you are going behind her back or looking to hook up with someone on the internet.

Put in a little about how other women feel. A little about how other men are getting to understand the bigger picture. A little about women where the H changed to suit her some. A little about what some H posted to show he got the message his W was sending and what he did about the situation, and the results.

I think painting a picture or having a rough idea for a map might cause your W to see there is hope. I think not seeing what the future holds is part of what your W is so angry about. An unsettled future is scarry for most people.

Lou

[Rigley]

I think painting a picture or having a rough idea for a map might cause your W to see there is hope. I think not seeing what the future holds is part of what your W is so angry about. An unsettled future is scarry for most people

Thanks, Lou. I AM starting to think that she needs to see hope. The sex therapist's offhand advice ("just have sex without your penis for a few months") was not what either of us wanted to hear... and unless she's done a lot more reading, that may be the picture of our future together that she holds in her mind.

I need to get creative here.


Getting Ready for Tomorrow Night

I wish I could have gotten an appointment with my coach before tomorrow night. I guess we'll just have to do a post mortem on Thursday :}

I know that I am not really ready to discuss the decision to divorce. I'm still deeply affected by my need to please her, and I'm likely to either crumble, or be a complete automaton.

But I've got no choice. I'll be thinking "do no harm."

Here are a few other things I'll try to hold onto:
-be loving and STRONG
-stay out of the pit
-look past the anger, accusations, and hurt
-give my POV, without trying to convince
-stay calm, no matter what she says or does
-if I don't know what to say, say nothing
-if I can't say nothing, excuse myself

I will also keep in mind that I have fessed up to all my mistakes and weaknesses, and am facing them like a man. If she has some new angle, I will not respond, but will think about it later.

She will have to bear responsibility for her own feelings, actions, and decisions.

I will not let it go assumed that I will help with a divorce, but at this point, I'm not sure I want to draw the line. I don't know if I can do it right yet.

*sigh*

Rigley

[Rigley]

Good God.

How does a guy get so worked up about talking to a sweet 5'3" woman? I need to get a grip.

[Heywyre]

Rigley - you can give her my email addy if you want. I'm the expert on a LD husband - got 18 years experience with it

Of course, I also have experience with him having 2 A's in 4 years - lucky me eh?

I have heard it all, low drive, I'm getting older, I'm just not like I used to be. If there's an excuse, he's got it. As for the OW (x2) he didn't seem to have a problem there - although he says he did - ya right. They got more from him in a couple of months than I have had in 18 years - thanks chum!!

And, if you think it's because I am some big, fat, ugly woman - no way! I am a certified fitness instructor (although I don't teach now), have my own business and am also a certified paralegal

I don't smoke, rarely drink (although I do like my glass of dry white here and there ), am intelligent (according to H) and a very good person (also according to H)

So what's the problem then? Not like I haven't had offers - am I crazy not to take them?

[MJontheMend]

Lately, she's been very guarded physically around me. Arms folded, no touchy. In those situations I feel like she's worried I'll come after her. It's almost like to her I'm a different person than I used to be.

No. She is afraid of her own HD. She is trying to be a different person herself. IMO

[MJontheMend]

I don't think that your W does want to divorce you. I think that , at least at this moment, she just wants a "regular" sex life more than the other benefits of being married to you. So, in a way Cobra is right when he says that you could tip the balance away from divorce if you indicated that she might lose even more "benefits" than she had anticipated if you were to divorce. But, IMO, this is just a move that will buy you some time in which you might be able to convince her that she is going to get what she wants/needs from the marriage. When I was seriously considering leaving my H, I did think about things like the fact that I couldn't afford our house on my own and that slowed me down but it didn't take me too long to make the mental adjustment and think "Okay, no more nice big house that I spent years renovating but I can easily afford a nice loft apartment downtown in the historic district.". I thought A LOT about the loss of my H's friendship and time together as a family, but eventually I was able to envision a future of domestic rituals that involved just me and my children and new social attachments outside my marriage. So, I agree with Cobra in the short-run but not in the long-run.

[Rigley]

MJ said:

I don't think that your W does want to divorce you. I think that , at least at this moment, she just wants a "regular" sex life more than the other benefits of being married to you. So, in a way Cobra is right when he says that you could tip the balance away from divorce if you indicated that she might lose even more "benefits" than she had anticipated if you were to divorce. But, IMO, this is just a move that will buy you some time in which you might be able to convince her that she is going to get what she wants/needs from the marriage.

This rings true. It's not just sex that she wants, but it's a big part of it. I think it's a bigger issue than even she will admit, frankly. Although she'll say it second on the list, it was the first thing to come up, and it's the one thing that continually resurfaces. Going back to what Lou said, she's probably scared of an uncertain future.

I woke up this morning feeling like I knew the direction I needed to take tonight. I'll put that later. But first, I've already had an email exchange this morning, just to show me how far I have to go :-/

My wife wrote late last night. My mom had forwarded her a web page for some female preacher's conference that's coming to town. One of the headlines on the page was "God can Fix You."

Here's the email I got from my wife:

"i guess your mom thinks i need to be "fixed"
and you wonder why i get pissed off that everyone feels sorry for you!"

My response, unfortunately was:

"Heh. Mom has been FLOODING me with stuff to fix me. Books, DVDs, web sites, music."

My thought was that she was wrong and I needed to set her straight, which is paternalistic. And check out the "Heh." That says "you shouldn't be mad." THAT's the old Rigley. The one who can't allow anyone to be mad at anyone else. Truth was, I was mad at my mom too for all this. So I quickly followed up with another email, saying how p!ssed I was that she seemed to think everyone's problems could be instantly solved by reading some book.

I'm fighting an uphill battle here, because I have thought just like my mom. I can't stand it, always being afraid to rock the boat, never being allowed to raise my voice. Her actions DO make me angry, and if nothing else, I can jump in there with my wife and just be f**cking MAD!