Why this word [unsafe], Rig? Give me some background on your experience with safe/unsafe in a sexual context.
Lately, she's been very guarded physically around me. Arms folded, no touchy. In those situations I feel like she's worried I'll come after her. It's almost like to her I'm a different person than I used to be.
I think "unsafe" came out of that.
You've probably guessed that there's never really been anything aggressive or truly unsafe sexually between us, except maybe emotionally.
Your understanding has moved forward very quickly, but I wonder if part of that is just another side of your wish to be accepted and not offend others.
This is a danger for me. I think I've even called myself out on a couple of comments I made here that were less what I felt and more what I thought others would think I should feel.
I do need to firm things up and decide what I believe and am willing to stand for. Right now there are many many things running through my head and changing. Unfortunately, that's inevitable. I have been way off in several key areas. I've been trying to go over key new beliefs every day... challenging myself on whether I truly believe them, looking for deeper implications. I think the best thing I can do right now is stay silent where I'm unsure, and keep building internal strength.
Quote: You've probably guessed that there's never really been anything aggressive or truly unsafe sexually between us, except maybe emotionally.
Yes, and since there hasn't been I especially wondered about the use of the word unsafe. It's the last word I would have used... wondered why it came to mind for you?
If indeed she is feeling "unsafe" around you, who are you reminding her of? Who has made her feel sexually unsafe in the past, since it wasn't you?
BTW, cobra's comment was very interesting... maybe you're just agreeing with everything because that's part of being Mr. Nice Guy... (not because these are brilliant and perceptive comments that are "intuitively obvious to the most casual observer" ) Thought-provoking insight-- as always-- from cobra.
Quote: One comment Nopkins made to me long ago (and to others too) was to tell my W that if we divorced I would not be friends with her. I did in fact tell my W this very thing, that I had no desire to make the D easy for her, .... She previously had the idea that D would bring an easier lifestyle, that we could be friends, that I could still come over and visit the kids, help her with any household problems if needed, just like another family a few houses down the street from us.
That family’s arrangement is insanity, IMO. That H has given his wife every incentive to D and no consequences for avoiding D.
I totally agree with this. I think it is important that you give your wife the message at some point that not only will she have to initiate the D if it is to happen, but that you will NOT be friends afterward. You will participate in child-raising and there will be no hostility in that zone, but you will no longer be part of her life. Right now she has the idea that D will be easier than working on the marriage. I think you need to make sure that she understands that D will be a LOT HARDER than working on the marriage.
I don't think you have to threaden or promise to give her a hard time, just assure her that life will not be easier after D.
Dropped my kids off at the house a few minutes ago.
When I picked them up on Friday, you may remember, I was p!ssed at my wife for all of this separation/divorce mess. I was also still pretty shaky from our Christmas day talk. So on Friday I avoided getting into any discussions. There was one point where I could tell she was starting to say something important and I excused myself.
Today, she was 15 minutes late getting back to the house, with no explanation. She'd been crying, I think. I wonder if she'd been talking to a friend.
I tried to be strong, loving, direct, and I avoided words with more than one syllable.
Heh... OK, I just tried to keep my words few. She asked how my New Year's Eve was, and I said it was good. Honestly, I do feel like I was loved and respected where I was, and that others enjoyed being with me as much as I id them. I asked her the same, and she said she did go over to the other party for awhile, and that it was hard.
I can only guess that it was hard for the same reasons mine was. She was alone among all our couple friends.
She walked me out to my truck and asked if I'd like to make an appointment to talk about things. I said sure. I think this was actually my suggestion last time she tried to get me to talk.
We agreed on Wednesday night after the kids go to bed, over at the house. As I was about to pull away she asked if we could talk openly and honestly, because last time I was going back and forth on what I was saying. I agreed, and she said she'd also try to know what she wanted to say.
The issue, of course, is whether to divorce. Despite the fact that she was contrite and in tears today, I have a hard time believing she's changed her mind. She probably still thinks she wants a divorce.
But when we sit down Wednesday night, I'm sure she's going to ask me what I think. As of now, what I think is still "I don't want a divorce." I've also toyed with "I'm not ready for a divorce," but that feels a little misleading to me, because I don't think I'll ever be ready for a divorce.
If I say I don't want one, where can the discussion go from then?
-she can ask for a new date to reassess in the future (not likely) -she can try to convince me that we need to divorce (probably) -she can try to guilt me into joining her in figuring out how to divorce (probably) -she can say she's going to file on her own (unsure)
The one thing I know I'm not going to do is agree to proceed with the divorce. I might go in pushing for five more months of separation at least. That's when my current lease will be up.
I think I need to have escape routes planned so I can avoid arguing and placating. If I don't do either of these things, the only thing left really is to listen and echo.
And I've got to continue to work on my self image in this relationship over the next couple of days. I need to picture myself as stronger. Caring, but full of conviction, and willing to take an unpopular stand. I need to avoid fantasizing about her wanting to get back together.
Why not copy and paste posts you find here to a word processor file and print it out for your W's benefit.
Aren't you worried about your wife tracking down this BB? Mine is not Internet savvy, and I don't think I've said anything incriminating here, but I wonder if it's smart to let her know about it. I would actually like to tell her I've found a support group. But the fact that everything that's said here is freely available to the world makes me want to keep it myself. How do you feel about this?
Curious: what kind of work do you do? Just in general-- what industry? Do you work with people in a "team" arrangement, or do you mostly work on your own
I'm a writer for a large corporation. I do work in teams quite a bit, but writing, as you can imagine, is mostly a solitary thing.
maybe you're just agreeing with everything because that's part of being Mr. Nice Guy
It's not the disagreeing you need to look for from me, it's the lack of disagreement. But as far as whether I'm just telling you guys what you want to hear, not a chance. In fact, it was my telling my wife what I thought she wanted to hear on Christmas that hit me the hardest. I felt like a sell out. I really need to feel self respect right now, whether anyone else respects me.I'm feeling pretty good about all this, though most of it is still something I really want to do, rather than my new way of living.
I think it is important that you give your wife the message at some point that not only will she have to initiate the D if it is to happen, but that you will NOT be friends afterward.
This will be a reversal for me. In my previous, completely defeated state I told her that I did want to be friends. I was DESPERATE for her. But the way I feel now is that I do NOT deserve this, and for me to be friends with her afterward would be extrememly difficult. I would have to deny my true feelings.
For me to say that we will not be friends if she divorces me will be the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm still very much attached to her. But it comes back to self respect.
Thus far, I haven't even put it into words that she is doing this. She knows that's how I think of it, but so far I've said "if this happens" instead of "if you leave me." Either I'm protecting her, or protecting myself, but looking at it now, I think I'm aiding the cause of divorce by that double speak.
) Thought-provoking insight-- as always-- from cobra. 
