Dropped my kids off at the house a few minutes ago.
When I picked them up on Friday, you may remember, I was p!ssed at my wife for all of this separation/divorce mess. I was also still pretty shaky from our Christmas day talk. So on Friday I avoided getting into any discussions. There was one point where I could tell she was starting to say something important and I excused myself.
Today, she was 15 minutes late getting back to the house, with no explanation. She'd been crying, I think. I wonder if she'd been talking to a friend.
I tried to be strong, loving, direct, and I avoided words with more than one syllable.
Heh... OK, I just tried to keep my words few. She asked how my New Year's Eve was, and I said it was good. Honestly, I do feel like I was loved and respected where I was, and that others enjoyed being with me as much as I id them. I asked her the same, and she said she did go over to the other party for awhile, and that it was hard.
I can only guess that it was hard for the same reasons mine was. She was alone among all our couple friends.
She walked me out to my truck and asked if I'd like to make an appointment to talk about things. I said sure. I think this was actually my suggestion last time she tried to get me to talk.
We agreed on Wednesday night after the kids go to bed, over at the house. As I was about to pull away she asked if we could talk openly and honestly, because last time I was going back and forth on what I was saying. I agreed, and she said she'd also try to know what she wanted to say.
The issue, of course, is whether to divorce. Despite the fact that she was contrite and in tears today, I have a hard time believing she's changed her mind. She probably still thinks she wants a divorce.
But when we sit down Wednesday night, I'm sure she's going to ask me what I think. As of now, what I think is still "I don't want a divorce." I've also toyed with "I'm not ready for a divorce," but that feels a little misleading to me, because I don't think I'll ever be ready for a divorce.
If I say I don't want one, where can the discussion go from then?
-she can ask for a new date to reassess in the future (not likely) -she can try to convince me that we need to divorce (probably) -she can try to guilt me into joining her in figuring out how to divorce (probably) -she can say she's going to file on her own (unsure)
The one thing I know I'm not going to do is agree to proceed with the divorce. I might go in pushing for five more months of separation at least. That's when my current lease will be up.
I think I need to have escape routes planned so I can avoid arguing and placating. If I don't do either of these things, the only thing left really is to listen and echo.
And I've got to continue to work on my self image in this relationship over the next couple of days. I need to picture myself as stronger. Caring, but full of conviction, and willing to take an unpopular stand. I need to avoid fantasizing about her wanting to get back together.
