Quote: She's made it clear that I am inflicting further pain on her and abandoning her if I don't go along with it [the divorce].
And yet if you divorce her, you're also abandoning her.
Quote: It's also the questioning of whether I'm "right" not to consentually divorce her.
I don't think you would be wrong to divorce her if she initiated it. I also don't think you HAVE to go along with it if she initiated it. The key here is YOUR doing what YOU want and HER doing what SHE wants. What's happening here is SHE says she wants it, but she wants YOU to do it.
I think you should do/not do what you want.
It would be interesting if you said something like (again not suggesting you do this... just brainstorming):
"I do not think divorce is morally wrong. I know we were raised to believe that it was not an option, but we were taught incorrectly. Now that I am a grown man, I believe divorce can be the correct option for some couples. Divorce is certainly an option for us, as it is for every married or partnered couple.
"If one person wants a divorce, that does not make him or her the 'bad guy.'
"However, *I* do not want a divorce. I want to save our marriage and be happy. If you do not want to save our marriage and do not believe that we can be happy together, and you are very clear that you want a divorce, I will go along with that decision, but I will not make it happen. You will have to initiate and follow through. I will sign on the dotted line, but I will not lift one finger up until that point-- not because I believe divorce is wrong, but because I want to go on being married to you. And if you do carry it out, that does not make you the 'bad guy'; that just makes you a woman going after what she wants. I will respect that."
Anyway...
Now that you've said something about her mom and her parents' sitch, I believe that is the root of her anger: the way her mom treated her, her parents' divorce after she was an adult, the betrayal of the religious/morality beliefs y'all had shoved down your throats-- ALL of it. I don't blame her for being mad! And I think she sees you as being part of all of that, and you've become the scapegoat.
I definitely get the wanting to be normal. That's also been the driving force in my life. When my bf didn't want to have sex (and we had sex about three times in 2006-- he also is afflicted with ED from physical and emotional causes... but NOT because I ever criticized him or ridiculed him about it)... the worst part of it for me was not feeling normal. It wasn't even so much about my sex drive or about expressing love, as it was about "normal" people were having sex and I wasn't so I must not be normal.
And in the case of her father's affair... it's pretty demoralizing when your parent is getting it and you're not...and when it's a high enough priority to your parent to break up a marriage over it! "My dad has a high enough sex drive to want to divorce my mom, and I can't get my husband into bed!" Yikes! That would make one feel like a loser even while you may be disgusted with and furious at said parent.
Re her parents divorcing when she was an adult: I hope all the people reading this board who are waiting until the kids are older to D will take this to heart. There's a book on this subject (naturally ) called "A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years"*, and it's about the devastating effect of a divorce on GROWN children. The anger and bitterness in this book match your wife's. Not all grown children have this reaction; but clearly your W is one of them. These children feel that their childhood has been invalidated; that all the "happiness" they thought they were having was a fraud, a sham. They feel that their childhood has been stolen and trashed. At least when you divorce when the children are younger, they still have a chance at some authentic happy childhood memories. Even a divorce is not likely to completely shatter a young-ish child's idealization of a parent. But when that betrayal happens to a "child" in their 20's or older-- it can destroy the parent-child relationship. This happened to my late H. He divorced when his youngest (of 3) was in college. She never forgave him and rarely spoke to him during the remaining 13 years of his life. She had to be dragged to his ICU room when he was dying and also had to be dragged to his funeral. After the funeral she had a complete emotional breakdown. The estrangement was the biggest thorn in his side and caused him pain to the end. This is NOT an unusual situation.
Re your W's mom's crappy behavior toward her: Diane Rehm, the lovely NPR morning show hostess, in her autobiography, "Finding My Voice," tells a similar story about her mother. When she was a child, if her mom got mad at her, her mom would not speak to her. This was when Diane was a little girl, maybe 8 or so. Once her mother didn't speak to or look at her for three weeks! The title of the book is ironic, not only because Diane is now in radio (and one of the finest interviewers anywhere) but she suffers from spasmodic dysphonia, a condition that causes her to lose her voice periodically. If you've heard her on the radio, you know that she sounds like a very elderly woman, when she is in fact, in her late 60's (I think) and stunningly beautiful.
Anyway, if anyone needs real therapy to deal with her competely legitimate feelings of anger and betrayal at her parents and her church, it's your wife.
Rig, you are a very good sport to let this stranger poke around in your brain and give you free advice. I'm grateful to you for continuing to engage in this dialogue with me. Thank you.
Curious: what kind of work do you do? Just in general-- what industry? Do you work with people in a "team" arrangement, or do you mostly work on your own?
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*Comments on the book from the amazon site:
Quote: From Publishers Weekly
The stress of divorces among older couples on their adult children is distinctly different from and more severe than that experienced by younger offspring of divorcing parents, contend freelance writer Fintushel (whose parents were divorced when she was 22) and family therapist Hillard. In this enlightening, well-organized book, the authors claim that when "mature" couples divorce, as they are doing in increasing numbers, they often depend on their children to help them adjust to their new lives, thereby dividing the offsprings' loyalties and threatening their independence. Hillard and Fintushel offer strategies for overcoming feelings of betrayal, guilt and alienation, which in some cases are aggravated by a parent's remarriage. They also strongly recommend professional guidance to aid in healing and reweaving family bonds.
From Kirkus Reviews
A look at the trauma suffered by--and the possible courses of action open to--those whose parents divorce after their children are old enough to vote. It may be lacking in compassion to question the need for a self-help book addressed to the adult offspring of parents who divorce at retirement age. (So prevalent are these midlife breakups now that there is even a term for it, ``gray divorce.'') True, American adolescence is prolonged. But is it legitimate to demand that parents stay together for the sake of the kids when the kids are nearing 30? With that question in mind, this is a pretty good book of its kind. The authors (Fintushel: a free-lance writer; Hillard: a clinical psychologist) address the questions of the pain caused when the familiar patterns of relationships are broken, when family myths are exploded, and when friends ask, ``Why are you so upset? You're grown-up.'' Fintushel's parents divorced when she was 22, and there is an evocative recounting of how her ideal family ``blew up in my face.'' Interviews with other adult offspring of late divorces substantiate the importance of the familial fantasy in shaping lives and character. Hillard contributes advice on dealing with the new relationships that must be formed after such a split, how to avoid destructive patterns in your own marriage, and even how to plan holidays. The wrap-up is that with time and effort, the new lives can be liberating for both parents and grown-up children. The question remains whether grown-up children should be waiting for a parental divorce to launch them on the path to liberation.
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