I wonder if y'all made a suicide pact and you backed out of it if she would feel abandoned.
Abandonment is a huge issue for her. When we were first married she was always afraid I'd leave. You'll remember that note from October, too: "Please don't give up on me; please don't leave me." Her mom would deliberately withhold affection from her when she was displeased with her. My wife would be standing there begging her mom to look at her and talk to her, and she wouldn't. My wife recently confronted her about this. (Actually in the same conversation where she told her we were separating.) My wife has accused me of withholding affection from her in the same way her mom did, but I told her truthfully that I've never withheld affection in order to punish her.
She is a child of divorce?
She was 30 years old, but it still devastated her. Her father had an affair with a married woman. My wife felt like he'd been a huge hypocrit, that he had betrayed her mom. And my wife still makes comments about how their divorce has upset her own life ... her mom not being able to be as involved of a grandmother because she's had to go back to work.
That's interesting. So all the while your religious culture was pressuring you two to walk the straight and narrow, and telling you that divorce was not an option, her parents-- hypocritically-- broke the rules???
The sect we were apart of dissolved shortly after we were married. Within a few years a number of high profile couples divorced.
When you say that the younger siblings "are really upset about this"-- upset about you and W's separation, or about their parents' divorce?
Both. I think our separation has resurfaced some of the pain of their parents' divorce.
Are the parents much happier with their lives now? If they are, then your W does have a basis for believing her life will improve after D.
Her father is generally unhappy... but it's hard to know how happy he was in the marriage. He certainly has a much worse relationship with his children. His oldest son will hardly speak to him.
Her mother is happier than the few years preceeding the divorce, but much less happy than she was when my wife was growing up.
Before he was found out, for two or three years, my FIL was really mean to his wife and the two kids at home. When he was found out, he refused to give up the other woman, asking his wife to accept an open marriage.
