Starting with Me

[MJontheMend]

I lose my erection -> I feel like less than a real man -> I act hesitantly -> she picks up on this and feels like less than a sexy woman -> I pick up on this and feel pressure to make her feel like a sexy woman -> I'm worried about losing my erection rather than enjoying sex -> eventually I do lose my erection -> she's hurt, thinking it's her fault -> I feel horrible for me and her -> I stop flirting and pursuing because I'm worried that I won't be able to follow through -> she concludes that I don't find her attractive.

I think it's great that you have the self-awareness to figure this out. However, it seems to me that you could probably start the cycle at any point and keep circling around. For instance, my situation s*cked worse than your wife's because my H chose to blame me and say that the cycle actually started with me being unattractive. I think that your situation is more hopeful because at least you didn't do this. It really is more "her" problem if your lack of sexual behavior made her feel unattractive, though I absolutely agree with HP that almost all women would tend to feel this way. However, consider how you might feel if your W was a much more sexually confident, less emotionally fused/reactive woman and she were to say something with a smile on her face like "That's okay if you're not in the mood Honey(not hard) just 'do' me.". You would probably still feel somewhat like cr*p about your ED in that situation, right? That is why it is "your" problem too. You need to be able to achieve that relaxed mindset in which you can think ahead with confidence and act cocksure even if you aren't cocksure and reply to the lady "I'd love to 'do' you and probably by the time you're "done", I'll need some "doing" myself.". I understand that this wouldn't be easy for a man, but consider how "easy" it might be for a woman who has been given every indication that a man finds her unattractive to approach that man for sex. For instance, you indicated that your W had an issue with her weight. Consider that surveys show that the number one reason a woman will reject any sexual position is that she thinks that sexual position will make her look fat to her partner and you will be just seeing the tip of the iceberg of the rampant spread of poor body image amongst women in our society. The fact that your W is now on some sort of weight loss/running self-improvement program does not work in your favor because if she is like me during my angry phase she is probably powering her workout with thoughts like "I will show that f*ckhead that some men find me attractive.". Word to the wise-Do not ever say anything to her like "You are looking really hot now that you've been running." and make a move. She will interpret this as "I was punishing you for being somewhat overweight by withholding sex." and she will be acquited by a jury of her peers if she kills you on the spot. You need to hope that she will eventually get to a more enlightened place in which she is taking good care of her body out of gratitude to the Goddess (the non-neo-pagan version would work too)for giving her such a finely responsive sexual machine and feeling more accepting of any imperfections. If I were her friend, I would suggest that instead of spending an hour at the gym each day, she should spend half an hour at the gym and half an hour doing a meditation in which she is sitting cross-legged naked on a bed in front of a mirror and a man is standing in front of her limp and desperate and she must maintain a sense of grace and a spirit of generousity. Hmmmm.. how can I transform this into advice for you? The best that I can do is suggest that you should be very calm and firm in all your interactions with your wife because lack of sex has knocked her pretty much literally into a state of hysteria. If you could actually have sex with her that would be even better but here are some sort of sex substitutes that might work:

1) Do something to her or even for her that involves the use of your muscles. Washing the dishes is placating behavior but chopping the wood pile isn't. Changing the baby's diaper is placating behavior but carrying the baby for her isn't, especially if you insist on doing it. My H once earned the equivalent of several good f*cks in my book by throwing me around in the water at the lake.

2) Be monosyllabic. I don't know why this works but it does. Think John Wayne.