Your Wife is every bit as responsible for what is going on as you are.
I am starting to see this. In fact, all the books I read said that getting over ED requires a cooperative couple. She didn't want to hear that. The sex therapist wouldn't see us until my wife called him. That took her several weeks, and then she scheduled an appt weeks later because she didn't want to ask friends to watch our kids. It was enfuriating, but I felt like I couldn't push her.
In fact, that's what's getting me the most mad today. I'm feeling again like I'm trying not to ruffle her feathers, afriad that she'll get mad, push the divorce, expose me, or whatever. It's making me feel that little school boy again ... it sucks!
Its certainly not supportive and loving. Its ridiculous.
That's definitely true. And when I finally told her how I felt about how she treated me, she reacted with remorse at first, and then turned it back around on me the next day.
you would do yourself and your goals a much better service if you were to completely sever all contact with your W, (except to pick up and drop off your kids) then continuing to act like that.
I agree that I can't afford to have another episode like that. Besides the setback to halting the divorce, it really knocked me in the gut. I'm still trying to recover.
Its making you seek her approval IN practically every single thing you do, and you were allready prone to do that. This IS not something to beat yourself up over. It is something for you to take some time off for you, and get a grip on.
Yeah. I've got to not seek her approval. This is a mud pit I'm going to have to pull myself out of every day, and make sure I'm not in before I interact with her.
allmost everything you are doing -from leaving pajama's on the front steps to contacting her about your sons bday- is supplicating and seeking her approval.
Hmmmmm. I think what I may have been missing here is that the subtle rationale I have for these things may not matter if she feels like I'm supplicating. I thought I was being responsible by exchanging those pajamas -- but by God you're right, it made me look like I was trying to win her approval, as evidenced by her rude response. On the birthday gift, he's my son, and I want to be involved in his birthday. But what my wife doesn't know, and what has been eating at me, is that while I was calling those 30 stores to find his present (birthdays just after Christmas really suck) I was thinking about her. "I'd better call every freaking store in this half of the state, because if I don't she'll be mad." Criminey.
Your W has loads of guilt and believes you should be angry with her. Trying to be nice to her is blowing sunshine up her dress, and makes her more angry at you for not being truthful. Being angry is not a 'bad' thing. Honesty is never the wrong action to take. Being vicious, and angrily lashing out in revenge, is not honest or beneficial either. There is a distinct differance.
And this is my struggle. You read some of my exchange with LP. When I said that contradicting her makes me feel like I'm not being nice, I was conscious of the fact that that was a mistaken view of niceness. It's ridiculous to think that I'm being rude not to help her leave me.
I have a ridiculous amount of trouble taking a stand in the face of opposition, without using some ploy to make myself seem unselfish in doing so. What I'm trying to come to terms with is that using a ploy actually MAKES me the bad guy ... it doesn't keep me from being the bad guy.
So my test here, as she's trying to get me to agree to divorce, is to say that it's not what I want, without offering some lame excuse about how I'm really doing this for her. And I need to be able to stand firm when she pulls out the rage and the guilt and the threats ("how are we supposed to be friends if we both want different things.").
Awkward conversations are not what she wants. She wants hot sex. I can't blame her.
That mind set is placating. Do you think your going to get thru this without some really uncomfortable, and awkward conversations?
Absolutely not. And to get back to being honest, ... sigh
bigger sigh
...
when I said "I can't blame her" I was looking for the approval of the women on this BB.
I'm ashamed that I haven't been able to just "take her." It's humiliating. It makes me want to offer some apology at every turn.
Your W is speaking and acting in ways that suggest she is having an A. Others in your social group are reinforcing my assumption. I sincerely hope I am wrong, but there are differances in how you need to deal with this.
If she is, it's only in the last few weeks. Our life has been non-stop for years. If she wasn't with the kids or me, she was with her friend (who would never let her have an affair), or at work (which was only one evening a week). There is no other man, aside from McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy (and all the other made up men on TV and in her novels). This is all about dissatisfaction with her lifestyle and our (previous) relationship.
Are you still working with a coach?
I'm thinking it's time to give him a call.
Being virgins is not the source of either of your problems. Your not the first in history, by any stretch of the imagination.
I think it's an oversimplification to think that we were just virgins. We were in our twenties and had had no flirting physical contact whatsoever, and were under a microscope during our engagement. We had rules, expectations, and fears up to our necks. Still, I agree that these weren't the source of our problems ... I think the source to mine are more likely in early childhood ... but they absolutely complicated things tremendously.
There are numerous scriptural examples and references to how H and W should behave and deal with each other.There is definitely no scripture that says 'kiss your W's ass in the hopes that she will like you.'
HAH! :-)
If your so inclined Ill be happy to point them out to you when I have some time.
Happy to read any scripture you send my way ... scripture was not my problem. Certain extra-scriptural teachings were.
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It's good to hear from you blackfoot. Your point of view is invaluable, but it underscores some of the difficulty I'm having with this whole divorce busting thing.
Contact, or no contact Loving, or detached Showing anger, or avoiding arguments Showing attraction, or avoiding the appearance of supplicating
I understand that it's a difficult problem with a difficult solution, and it's up to me to work it all out.
I am indebted to all of you for your perspectives, because I'm convinced that somewhere in the middle of it all is the truth that I need to follow. I'm hoping it will work itself out in my dreams tonight
