Your Wife is every bit as responsible for what is going on as you are. You mentioned she had 'read all those books', yet She was still unable to change her behaviors enough to move your R in a positive direction. Specifically her anger, and the constant testing to see how you would react to her negative pushing away, and abusing you for your heistation and uncertainty in the bedroom. I understand why its so elevated now, but its been a constant with her. Its certainly not supportive and loving. Its ridiculous.
You know where the majority of your 'weakness and placating' was in that last failed interaction (why were you discussing the R?, you dont have one), but you would do yourself and your goals a much better service if you were to completely sever all contact with your W, (except to pick up and drop off your kids) then continuing to act like that. Your going thru a really hard time, its painful and sucks hugely. Its making you seek her approval IN practically every single thing you do, and you were allready prone to do that. This IS not something to beat yourself up over. It is something for you to take some time off for you, and get a grip on. HP said Women are much more perceptive than men are about emotion and 'reading' a situation, in general.
I remention this because allmost everything you are doing -from leaving pajama's on the front steps to contacting her about your sons bday- is supplicating and seeking her approval.
Your W has loads of guilt and believes you should be angry with her. Trying to be nice to her is blowing sunshine up her dress, and makes her more angry at you for not being truthful. Being angry is not a 'bad' thing. Honesty is never the wrong action to take. Being vicious, and angrily lashing out in revenge, is not honest or beneficial either. There is a distinct differance.
Awkward conversations are not what she wants. She wants hot sex. I can't blame her.
That mind set is placating. Do you think your going to get thru this without some really uncomfortable, and awkward conversations?
Your W is speaking and acting in ways that suggest she is having an A. Others in your social group are reinforcing my assumption. I sincerely hope I am wrong, but there are differances in how you need to deal with this. Are you still working with a coach?
We were given no resources for solving sexual problems...we were taught that everything was supposed to just work if we had remained pure...we did, and they didn't We were taught that psychology was tantamount to witchcraft and that the answer to all our problems was in prayer, reading the scripture, and spending time with others in our group
Being virgins is not the source of either of your problems. Your not the first in history, by any stretch of the imagination. I know nothing of your particular religions teachings, and its not at fault either. There are numerous scriptural examples and references to how H and W should behave and deal with each other. There is definitely no scripture that says 'kiss your W's ass in the hopes that she will like you.' If your so inclined Ill be happy to point them out to you when I have some time.
