Thanks for sharing your perspective, HP. [edited to add: I'm going to read it over and over.] I believe you that women feel sexual rejection deeper than men. I can see it in my wife's eyes and it's like staring into a volcano knowing that it's her response to me that's created it, and that it could blow at any minute and repeatedly. I think that's why I panicked in our relationship discussion recently. Frankly, it's terrifying. It must be doubly so for her. I need to keep that in mind, but somehow separate myself from the guilt and shame enough to do what your husband did. You've got a good man if he was able to turn himself around in the middle of this, and you must be one hell of a woman for him to stick to it.

Here is a question for you:
How much of your erectile difficulties have you discussed with your wife? Have you two been to a sexual counselor? Has she ever read any books relating to ED?

It took me way too long to fess up to it. I was doing my best to cope with it by myself because I thought it meant I was defective, and that there was no hope. Once I did start learning about it, and understanding it, my wife was too angry and hurt to listen. To her it was deflection. She was absolutely convinced that I wasn't attracted to her. I don't see how she could have thought anything else.

I have read her materials on ED. We went to a very good sex therapist who tried to explain what was going on to her, but I think he was too unsympathetic to her. She was infuriated, and refused to continue treatment.

I can't imagine what it feels like to be in this situation--it is devastating from both perspectives.

Yeah. For the guy's perspective, imagine having a perfectly good car that would die on the freeway once every few months. It's incredibly frustrating and upsetting in the moment, but even more, every single time you take it out for a drive you wonder if it's going to happen. You end up not offering to drive your friends to dinner, etc. You only want to drive it when you're by yourself. Add to this that the more you worry about it, the worse it gets.

You and others here are helping me to understand the other side of it.

I'm glad you saw the poor me's for what it is--an annoying crutch. I spent a bunch of time with my mom recently and came home last night just irritated as all h*ll at her and then realized: I'm just like that! So maybe we can both embark on a journey to ditching our parent's bad habits, lol.

Heh. And someday my kids will take it one step further (I hope)