Rigley, I perfectly understand your wife's anger. Even her intense anger; I've experienced this myself.
It is hard to explain to a man what effect sexual rejection has on a woman. Yes, yes I know men feel rejection deeply, but I maintain that it is entirely different with women, due to our cultural upbringing. It is a mindfcuk of the highest kind, to feel unattractive to your mate. Like it or not, so much of women's sense of self worth is related to how sexually desirable they are. You know that saying, hell hath no fury..? It is so true!! I stayed angry with my H for a long time--just look back through some of my posts and it practically jumps out at you.
Here is what my H did: He stayed steadfast and calm. He was willing to own up to his mistakes and, more importantly, try to change for the better. He did not allow my verbal histrionics to persuade him into taking more responsibility than what he should. He got upset when I attacked him (and boy did I ever) but he regrouped and went back to being the strong manly guy that I needed. He went out on a limb and slowly started showing me his desire and built from there--even in the face of my withering criticism.
He didn't do everything right and I wasn't always a shrew but you get my drift. I loved him, passionately loved him, but I was so mad at being put in the position that I was in...being the intiator, being the sexual 'cop' of the R, feeling undesirable and therefore worthless, man I was just so sick of what he had done to our relationship. I'm sure I was not the most attractive person all the time--the lack of sex had the result of making me feel irritated ALL the time.
Here is a question for you: How much of your erectile difficulties have you discussed with your wife? Have you two been to a sexual counselor? Has she ever read any books relating to ED? I can't imagine what it feels like to be in this situation--it is devastating from both perspectives.
Anyway, when your wife acknowledges how angry she is, there really is no reply necessary. "Fair enough" or something like that if you feel that you absolutely must say something. You rush in to settle the scene down but you are not doing it for her, as Cobra noted, you are doing it for you and *believe me* she knows this. Women are much more perceptive than men are about emotion and 'reading' a situation, in general. She's peeved off and rightfully so. Acknowledge her anger but be strong in the face of it. This is what she will find attractive and intriguing.
I'm glad you saw the poor me's for what it is--an annoying crutch. I spent a bunch of time with my mom recently and came home last night just irritated as all h*ll at her and then realized: I'm just like that! So maybe we can both embark on a journey to ditching our parent's bad habits, lol.
