You're also the handiest one to turn to...Does she have anyone that she talks to besides this friend? Is the friend part of the religious group that y'all were raised in? Or is she outside of it?
It's true... I am by far the best person to support her in the religious/upbringing part of this IF I can start dealing with it myself and stop feeling the need to be her shepherd (we were taught that it's the man's responsibility to lead the home and "cover" the wife -- very paternalistic).
Her friend was not part of this group. None of her friends had an upbringing even close. This has exacerbated the problem because when they get together and talk about growing up, she feels different and ashamed. I feel that way too. And it's not just when talking to friends. It's watching pratically any TV show or movie.
She IS definitely ahead of me in being angry about this ... I guess because she doesn't have to worry about the sex hangups I have. This summer, she got absolutely plastered at every party we went to. She was obviously trying to ease the pain, but just as obviously trying to recapture her lost youth -- the college drinking days. Our friends went along with it, but I could tell even their patience was wearing thin.
I, unfortunately, was even more confused than she was at the time, and made things worse by trying ever so slightly to reign her in.
I'm absolutely convinced that she doesn't want to eliminate you. She just doesn't want to feel like crap all the time.
I agree. And she wants a lot of sex. Which actually puts us in the same boat, as long as I can get past feeling like I'm constantly performing for her.
She's breaking all the "laws" you two were raised with, and right now she probably doesn't see any way to get to a place where she/y'all can just live and be happy.
Right. I know she's hoping that there's happiness in the future, but I think she'd settle for just not trying to be good all the time, and getting some of the pleasure out of the "bad" things she's abstained from.
It's a good thing her rebellion is taking the form of anger instead of depression.
It was depression and self loathing for a number of months. I went to IC for awhile, and then suggested she go. That was when she started focusing on our relationship, which is what I expected, and still think is good.
Be steadfast and let her work through some of this. Don't get in the middle of her struggle with these issues. Be supportive in a neutral way without adding fuel to the fire.
I really agree with this. She has complained to me over and over that I don't take her side. As hard as I tried to understand what she meant, it wasn't until recently (ok, yesterday) that I realized that I didn't have to jump on board with her and criticize everyone she was mad at, I just needed to NOT try to solve her problems. To listen, and echo her concerns, and help her feel good about herself.
Mojo, this more global than just a sex issue.
I agree, but I like hearing from you Mojo because you sound like her. Hearing the things you're saying helps me understand her better, and keeps me from lying to myself.
Funny
Yesterday, before the "I can take care of myself" email, she ended another email by telling me the DVD player wasn't working. She brought it up again today.
I think that she wants my help, and hates that she wants my help. I can kind of relate to this. I absolutely hate that I'm having to meal plan, deal with other mothers in RSVPing to birthday parties, etc., simply because my life was too freaking complex already. I don't WANT to learn how to do these things. I want her to do it because she enjoys it and she's so good at it. So it's easy for me to be mad at her that I have to now do these things in addition to everything else.
