Starting with Me

[MJontheMend]

Interesting POV... so if your H were angry all the time, raging at everyone (not depressed, but openly raging), and put you down constantly, and twisted what you said and accused you of undermining him and stated he wanted a D, then if he were HD, YOU'D want to fcuk him?

First off, I should say that I don't think that this is a fair description of Rig's wife. As I stated in my post to Rig, I think her anger is a sign of her internal conflict between her unhealthy "need to be needed" and her healthy "want to be wanted". Therefore, I think that her anger in response to Rig's "neediness" is healthy even if it is misdirected. She should be angry at herself for giving in to her "need to be needed" in the past.

Secondly, as Rig himself has made clear, he is MORE sexually attracted to her now that she has angrily kicked his azz to the side of the road then he was when they were still enmeshed due to her "need to be needed". Therefore, she is IMO understandably angry because he is giving her the message "My sexual desire for you increases when you act like a b*tch and abandon me." and then he has the nerve to act like she's mean when she's doing exactly what he needs her to do in order to feel sexual. I empathize with her greatly.

Thirdly, Rig's wife did pretty much what Corri, the toughest LD person ever on this BB, has recommended. She made it clear that she wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage and she followed through on her boundary. She did this even though she had many valid "excuses" for not being able to do it. Think about it. The woman has never even had sex with another man. She must have a reserve of healthy self-esteem to be able to tell herself that "it isn't her fault" and believe that she would be able to function better sexually eventually in another relationship.

I'm sure she has a LOT to be angry about in her world, but does HD trump everything, even rude, disparaging, critical behavior?

NOT a rhetorical question... does it trump everything?

I hope Rig will pardon the hijack if I answer you here. Unhealthy High Sex Drive = Needing to Be Needed = Being a Rescuer = Wanting to Have Sex with Someone Who Doesn't Want to Have Sex with You - doesn't trump jacksh*t. Healthy high sex drive = Wanting to be Wanted = Taking Care of Yourself = Only Wanting to Have Sex with Someone Who Wants to Have Sex with You- does indeed trump everything, pretty much by definition.

However, you do make a valid point that a common feature of Unhealthy High Sex Drive is the obviously counter-productive behavior of trying to criticize, disparage or bully someone into having sex with you (The HD Type 8s seem to make this mistake most frequently, so I'm guessing Rig's wife is a Type 8). The point that you are missing, IMO, is that Rig's wife is no longer trying to have sex with him so she has made the first step in breaking out of this cycle. She is sort of balanced on a precipice. If she allows herself to be rescued by another man, she will fail to achieve personal growth. If she allows herself to rescue Rigley she will fail to achieve personal growth. If I could send her psychic messages of self-awareness that would alert her to the fact that she needs to figure out that her anger is misdirected in order to not repeat the same mistake in future relationships, I would. If I could think of something that Rig could say to her that would clue her in to this fact and not cause her to hit him over the head with whatever object was at hand, I would. All I can do is ask Rig to please not ask her to rescue him because my heart goes out to her if she does.