Quote: I fear being alone. I fear not being loved. I fear being bullied and belittled.
All three of these things are happening to me right now in epic proportions, and all because of my wife.
It's not because of your wife; it's because of these fears. The fear makes you vulnerable to your wife's tactics. You're right though about needing to confront these demons.
Re your reply to cobra:
Quote: cobra: I can even make the case that all the work you are doing on yourself right now could actually make things worse. [snip] ...to your wife, it could all be seen as one more example of how you, and indirectly she, should follow the “rules” and control your behavior
Rig: Well, I think it's wise of me to go back to letting her see results, rather than filling her in on the process.
This is where cobra and I disagree. I think "letting her see results" is still placating her. You're still REACTING to her instead of spontaneously acting from your own insides. So instead of wimping out and handling her with kid gloves, you do a complete switch and act the strong manly man. I think you need to stop playing any role at all. Stop switching your actions to match what you think will get through to her.
This is so insightful:
Quote: I go into my own world until she complains about our relationship, and then I swing to the other side and do everything I can to placate her, and have this horrible fear of losing her.
Placating her by "acting like" someone who is differentiated won't work either.
Regarding the differentiation stuff: when you read it, does it ring true to you? Do you see that refraining from trying to "fix" someone is kindness? Can you buy this:
Quote: Recognize that "it's not about me" when someone near and dear "loses it" or becomes anxious. They don't personalize others' behavior.
Her ugly behavior toward you is about HER inner struggle, and as they say in alanon: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The only way to prove this is NOT to engage and for her to see that the anger is there anyway.
As for "getting in touch" with your anger, that's a good idea, but I suggest doing this on your own, not with her. Get a notebook or open a password-protected word doc and just spew out whatever... and promise yourself that you will NEVER share this with anyone. You cannot be totally frank if you imagine anyone ever reading it. And then forgive yourself constantly for the anger... forgive yourself over and over again.
Then you will be practicing this
Quote: Refuse to project their own conflicts onto their partners, and refuse to allow others to project theirs onto them. They fight their own battles within themselves where the fight belongs.
You know, she's probably carrying some or all of your anger... that's an unconscious deal some couples make. One is the nice person and the other one is the angry one. It would also explain why her anger is so monumental... if she's angry for two. Yes, that is a kind of mystical Jungian concept. If you reclaim your anger, hers might diminish. Were you allowed to be angry in your FOO.
(I also agree that she is to be congratulated for finding her anger. But right now she's like a firehose out of control, instead of a directed stream.)
Edited to add:
Re your reply to Mojo: lack of sexual passion can be attributed to depression... and depression can occur when anger is stuffed down instead of felt and acknowledged.
