In the beginning, I heard more of "poor me I'm a wimp" from him, but recently, I'm hearing more "my wife is mean and that's HER issue because I'm not doing anything to CAUSE it." Edited to add: except insofar as his being wimpy PROVOKES her anger... but he's not the CAUSE of it.
I think the flaw in this
Quote: really stand up for himself if he believes that he is in the right and in either case demand some delicious cookies too because he deserves them.
is that right now with his W in this angry state, ANY engagement on his part will be twisted by her into blaming him for her state of mind. I think that his only recourse at the moment is to concentrate on differentiation. It's like the alcoholic thing again (I know I always bring that up, but it applies in lots of cases). If I spend all of my time telling my bf not to drink, that he's a drunk, etc., the he thinks the problem is ME not alcohol. But if I disengage myself from any discussions/encounters re alcohol then the problem will be exposed and the only two things in the room will be him and the booze. Then it will be clear that *I'M* not the problem. Especially if he figures this out when he wakes up on the front lawn.
So if Rig detaches himself using the guidelines of the differentiation post (e.g., it's okay to let people feel bad without trying to fix them, etc.) and she is STILL angry, she will have a harder time blaming him for her anger. She will probably still try to do it, but it won't stick. That doesn't mean he disappears from her life obviously, it just means that he refuses to ENGAGE by coming back at her with anything... apologies or demands or telling her what he "deserves." To me, this kind of engagement will just give her more excuses to feel bad and blame him for it. She needs to be alone (not physically, but emotionally) alone with her feelings/anger/rage so she can see that it all comes from her, kwim?
