I agree with some of what you're saying, cobra-- it occurred to me when reading Rig's last post about his sitting and sobbing over the pain of his W thinking he is the bad guy. Saying that it is "egotistical and self-centered" of Rig to have this reaction, though essentially true, is probably not a very helpful way of phrasing it for you to get your message across, because phrasing it that way implies that his reaction is a weakness of character and something Rig should try to overcome and in fact should be able to overcome, kwim? When you say to someone "that's egotistical," it usually means you think they should take the focus off themselves and put it elsewhere and that will fix it. The way you put it will kick up someone's defenses. (It sounds like you're saying: "you're egotistical and self-centered, all you think about is yourself, you don't care about anyone else.")
It would be more helpful to say, "when you have a really strong reaction like that it's a sign that a wound of YOURS is being poked. Yes, you are empathetic about your W's suffering, and yes, it hurts that she has misjudged you, but the 'sobbing' reaction is a tipoff that you are suffering at a deep level and you need to look to yourself to see where that pain is coming from."
I do agree very much about the lack of differentiation. Here's my stuff on differentiation that I've quoted before
Quote: This is a list of the qualities of poorly differentiated and well differentiated people that a counselor gave me and my bf a couple of years ago. She was a therapist who followed the Schnarch philosophy. I suspect you’ll see yourself, your partner, former partners, or your parents here… maybe ALL of them.
Poorly differentiated people:
Pressure others (important others) to accommodate them regardless of that it costs. “If you love me, you will_______! I can’t survive if you don’t do what I want you to. I can’t survive if I do what YOU want.”
Give in (sell out) because of fear of rejection.
Have to leave relationships emotionally or physically in order to resist the pressure to conform (give up themselves).
Accuse others of trying to control them when others resist being controlled.
Monitor how much they disclose about themselves so as to please others or avoid conflict.
Have families where it’s true that “When Dad/Mom is unhappy, ain’t NOBODY happy!”
Have chronic anxiety that is easily stirred up and difficult to calm down.
Take things personally, are on the defensive much of the time. Are easily “hurt” by others, feel “guilty” for having their own needs, feelings, interests, or opinions that are not shared by their important other(S).
Feel responsible for others’ lives and happiness, and for solving their problems.
Feel rejected when important others disagree with them.
Need to control someone else’s behavior or feelings in order for them to manage themselves. In other words, they need someone to do X before they can do/feel Y.
Rely on external activities or substances that are often labeled “addictive” in order to manage their feelings.
The interesting thing about the qualities of good differentiation below is that you may very well react with surprise that it’s not only OKAY to be some of these ways, but it’s actually pretty healthy, for example not solving other people’s problems, or stay calm when a loved one is “losing it.”
Well differentiated people:
Value their self-respect above all else. This is another way of saying they have integrity or that they live by their values.
Manage their own feelings, calm themselves, and then choose how they respond to others rather than reacting out of anxiety.
Confront themselves instead of blaming others for their own circumstances or consequences of their own choices.
Recognize that "it's not about me" when someone near and dear "loses it" or becomes anxious. They don't personalize others' behavior.
Validate themselves rather than rely on others to do it for them all the time.
Refuse to sell themselves out of betray their values in order to maintain a relationship.
Refuse to project their own conflicts onto their partners, and refuse to allow others to project theirs onto them. They fight their own battles within themselves where the fight belongs.
Know the difference between themselves and others: what is me and what is not me.
Take responsibility for themselves. They do not take responsibility for others’ choices or consequences.
Have their feelings rather than their feelings having them.
Have deeply connected relationships, since they can tolerate closeness without undue anxiety about fusing or distancing.
Support the emotional growth of others toward greater differentiation by their refusal to participate in fused behaviors.
Rigley, this differentiation stuff could become your new manual... print it and post it on the bathroom mirror and read it every morning and every night.
