I see you learning to control you reactions (though you just had a small set back), but I don’t see much indication that you are really differentiating. You are still very much enmeshed with your wife. Differentiation is a very difficult thing to do, IMO, because it essentially means to but boundaries on YOURSELF and your emotions, not on the other person. What I have found is that you need to come to terms with the fact that in the worst case, you will have to cut off your emotions and your relationship with your wife in order to preserve yourself and find happiness. This is not easy to do when you think your happiness is dependent on your spouse.
It is coming to terms with the possibility that your spouse may not be capable of becoming functional enough to give you the relationship you want. It is a lowering of your hopes and dreams (which may actually be a fantasy) and getting a little more real. I wonder whether your wife is feeling some of the pressure of this fantasy of yours. She does not have the self esteem to live under the limelight you wan t to shine on her.
I see your backtracking and slips into panic mode as your unresolved FOO issues coming back to haunt you. Your are still trying to discover yourself as much as your wife is trying to discover herself. I think you have a lot of unresolved fears that you really need to face head on before you can overcome the anxiety and panic attacks that hit you. Actually, in a way I think your wife is ahead of you here. She has come to realize her anger with those in her past who have harmed, shamed, controlled her. She seems to be getting in touch that anger and is frustrated that you are not acknowledging her.
But you have that same anger within you too. I don’t think you have really looked into that. If you had, you would be more knowledgeable of your fears, where they come from and why, and they would not take control of you as they did the other night. I wonder how your wife would react if she saw the same anger in you as she has within herself. She might feel validated. She might feel that she can relate to you and that you are on her team.
As it is, I see you trying to placate her, which is just a subtle way of telling her you do not believe what she is saying and that she is crazy. In this way, she might be feeling that you are playing a control game, trying to “one up” her and be the good guy. This is all a denial of her reality and in this light, her anger at you certainly makes sense.
My advice to you is to sit down and talk about her past and why she is mad at her family, the church, whomever. Then talk to her about your same experiences and get in touch with whatever anger you may have bottled up. Let her lead you in this. Then the two of you will be on one team, and the dragon of your common past will be one the other team. I think this could help her feel validated, feel a part of you, let her know that you truly understand what she is upset about, and that you are on her side. If you cannot see her point of view, and make it clear to her that you see her point of view, I would think that all attempts you make at reconciliation would seem hollow. I can see why she would question your true motives. I can see why she sees no other option than to divorce. Can you see that too?
Now, one other point about you won”t like what I’m going to say some of the pressure of this fantasy of yours. She does not have the self esteem to live under the limelight you wan t to shine on her.
I see your backtracking and slips into panic mode as your unresolved FOO issues coming back to haunt you. Your are still trying to discover yourself as much as your wife is trying to discover herself. I think you have a lot of unresolved fears that you really need to face head on before you can overcome the anxiety and panic attacks that hit you. Actually, in a way I think your wife is ahead of you here. She has come to realize her anger with those in her past who have harmed, shamed, controlled her. She seems to be getting in touch that anger and is frustrated that you are not acknowledging her.
But you have that same anger within you too. I don’t think you have really looked into that. If you had, you would be more knowledgeable of your fears, where they come from and why, and they would not take control of you as they did the other night. I wonder how your wife would react if she saw the same anger in you as she has within herself. She might feel validated. She might feel that she can relate to you and that you are on her team.
As it is, I see you trying to placate her, which is just a subtle way of telling her you do not believe what she is saying and that she is crazy. In this way, she might be feeling that you are playing a control game, trying to “one up” her and be the good guy. This is all a denial of her reality and in this light, her anger at you certainly makes sense.
My advice to you is to sit down and talk about her past and why she is mad at her family, the church, whomever. Then talk to her about your same experiences and get in touch with whatever anger you may have bottled up. Let her lead you in this. Then the two of you will be on one team, and the dragon of your common past will be one the other team. I think this could help her feel validated, feel a part of you, let her know that you truly understand what she is upset about, and that you are on her side. If you cannot see her point of view, and make it clear to her that you see her point of view, I would think that all attempts you make at reconciliation would seem hollow. I can see why she would question your true motives. I can see why she sees no other option than to divorce. Can you see that too?
Now, one other point about you. You won’t like what I’m going to say, but stay with me because I am saying this with your interests in mind. When you do your backtracking, your placating, your are not really trying to please her and make her happy. You are doing this to protect yourself. It is a very self centered and egotistical action that you do. She tells you directly that she does not like this part of you, yet you do it. Why? It is to protect you from her abandoning you, it is actually a form of manipulation and she knows it. This is what ticks her off. You are avoiding your responsibility to throw it onto her. Neither of you grew up under your own responsibility. You were told what to do and what to think by others. She is ticked off by it but you are still playing that game, except now you are trying to covertly manipulate her back into submission. There is a certain narcissistic element to that and she does not want to have anything to do with it.
Why do you hold on to this tactic? Are you afraid to change? That is understandable since it means you must find yourself and stand on your own feet, rather than leaning on others, but that is what you really want, and what I think she wants. So the more you placate, the angrier she gets. The more you become assertive and self confident, the more she feels relieved and protected. The missing element is your validation of her feelings.
I can even make the case that all the work you are doing on yourself right now could actually make things worse. Sure you need to learn what others are saying, but to your wife, it could all be seen as one more example of how you, and indirectly she, should follow the “rules” and control your behavior. I’m not sure that is the right message to send someone who is trying to rebel and get out from under some perceived “oppression.”
