She thinks I'm stranding her, making her the bad guy. She is so alone, and so hurt, and I want to comfort her. I'm sobbing here thinking about it. I've tried to be her safe place, but she views everything I do as an underhanded attack.
Rigley, you don't really know WHAT she is thinking and feeling. You don't know what she is going on inside of her. All you know is how she's acting. Yes she's hurt and angry, but you don't know much more than that. It's really impossible to be accurate when trying to figure out what she thinks about you, whether she sees you as the bad guy, whether she sees what you do as an underhanded attack. For all you know, she may secretly be admiring the way you won't abandon her no matter how much of a b!tch she's being. Another reason to keep your focus on yourself. Trying to figure her out will just make you nuts.
It is possible to detach yourself from her pain. This is not cruel. She is doing this to herself. You have not caused it. And you cannot help her except by keeping your stuff and your emotions from becoming entangled with hers. She is perfectly capable of changing her tune and ceasing to suffer over all of this. The fact that she continues to berate you and blame you for how she feels is HER decision and her reading on the sitch. You are NOT the cause of her misery. And she is not the cause of yours. You can have empathy but you don't have to jump in the pit with her. I think you have figured this out already.
Also, when people want a divorce, they go get one. They don't "get their spouse to agree." If she wants a D, she will go to a lawyer, and one day a stranger will serve papers on you. Even then, that may not mean she want's a D. I've known several couples where papers were served and the D never happened. The one partner just did it to get the other partner's attention.
I would ask those on the board who are divorced to confirm or deny this-- when one person is TRULY ready to end the marriage they don't usually wait for their partner to agree to it. They just do it.
I know this is very hard, but try to stay in the moment and not catastrophize about the future or dwell on evils of the recent past. I don't mean to abandon prudent planning or forget your history, but you can lose some precious moments in the present by not staying in the present. This is difficult and Zen practitioners spend lifetimes trying to stay in the present... it is the work of a lifetime. But, for instance, when you're tucking your children into bed, it's so easy to let your thoughts wander to times when you and she did it together, or hypothetical times in the future when you may not be able to do it all the time... and lose the immediacy of right now. In fact, one of the writers I've been reading lately says, "What's wrong with Right Now except for thinking about it?" Again, this is not about burying your head in the sand when disaster is looming... it's about being present in the present.
You're in a very challenging situation and you're doing very well. You're growing a LOT. That growth will always be yours... and yours to pass on to your children when they get old enough to tangle with relationship issues.
