This is one of those posts where I ramble on about things that really make no difference in the end, so feel free to skip it
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Good God I feel like I'm on my own private rollercoaster. I was up, now I'm ... down? No, it's more like a corkscrew ... not sure whether I'll be high or low when I come out of it.
Wife's working now, Christmas Eve. Putting the kids to bed tonight I kept having those denial thoughts. "What about our plans for the future What's she thinking? This can't be happening!"
After the years we have put into PAINstaking raising of the kids to give them the best possible life, I can't believe we're doing this. Like, we have these little doll elves. The come from the north pole every December 1 and stay until Santa takes them home on Christmas Eve. In the meantime they get into mischief.
What this means is that practically every night for three weeks we fish the elves out of the kids' beds, and create some scene, like unrolling a bunch of toilet paper down the hall, or hanging them from the ceiling fan. It's great fun, but to go to this much trouble to make our kids' lives special and not take care of our marriage?!
I should have said STOP a thousand times. Actually, I did. But I should have done whatever I needed to to make sure our relationship came first. I didn't.
So here I was tonight, going through the motions of all these little things the kids love thinking "what they really want for Christmas is for their mom and dad to be happy together." It makes me numb.
And then there's the rejection flaring up again. S6, who's the most vocal about the separation said "Mom says she doesn't want to sleep with you so will you sleep with me tonight? I think she thinks that would be weird because you're practically divorced." He's so matter of fact about it, but he seems to think about it all the time. I mean ALL the time. I would never ever have wished this on my kids.
It is so frustrating to see my worst nightmare being played out before my eyes, and to realize that the only way to truly stop it is to go back in time and make better choices.
But I will stick with the plan. I can't change her. I can only change me.
All that is to say that this may be your exit from the world of walking on eggshells and second-guessing yourself to a world of serenity and confidence.
This could be. And I think it's beneficial for me to wonder about it in this way because it makes me feel less like she's holding all the cards.
Reading your story of your boyfriend, and that long-ago relationship, I saw shades of my wife and myself. It is absolutely true that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. But she doesn't WANT that. She's said so repeatedly, even this last weekend. Not that wishing is everything, but it makes me think this may be a pattern that can be broken.
The scarier part is that I saw myself in the boyfriend who cut you down while telling you how great you were. My wife has repeatedly said that I do this. I have not understood it at all until recently. I think it was my anger and resentment seeping through the flattery. Rather than dealing directly with our problems, I kept trying to be the perfect guy. I think this must be what she's referring to when she says she's not playing my games anymore. I think "what games?" This worries me because I've seen her dancing with craziness in the last year, and I absolutely do not want that for her.
I think you're figuring out that the best thing you can do for her is to be clear and honest with yourself and then express yourself accordingly.
Focus on that feeling of clarity you've achieved a few times... that feeling that you've been honest, you've expressed yourself and you feel good about that. Memorize that and go back to that memory... the way it feels in your body and mind.
When you're clear, it's best for both of you.
Your kids are a lot more resilient than you think. No, you don't wish this on them, but if it happens, they'll be okay. Try not to dwell on the what-if's for now. I knowi it's hard. Later this week all the tinsel-y, shiny pressure to be Happy will let up.
Don't let her make you responsible for how she feels. You are not making her feel the pressure, etc. The massage idea was good, but sometimes it's hard for someone to just relax for an hour. I know that back then if I went somewhere for the weekend to try to relax, I didn't relax enough to get into it until around Sunday afternoon, and by then it was time to come home.
I read your posts earlier today and felt good to have you pulling for me.
Let me say now that following is a lot of self-loathing. I'll work on that as soon as I post this, but I've got to get it out.
This morning was great. The kids were having fun, my wife and I were doing fine. Actually, I was hungry for her. I have seen the happy, loving Mrs. R so few times this year that when I do I'm completely overwhelmed romantically. I know that's dangerous, and I kept it under control well, at first.
We were having coffee together. That is, we were the only ones sitting at the table drinking coffee. The conversation was light, and at one point she asked me if I'd been on any dates. Instead of brushing it off, I said no, that I was still married. She called me on it, saying I was trying to make her feel guilty.
Later, she made a demeaning remark. It was nothing. I had taken a shower upstairs, and brought down my towel and wash cloth to put in the laundry room. She said I could have left them up there. Those were the words anyway. By her tone I could tell she was really either making fun or accusing me. I answered apologetically that I just thought I'd put them into the laundry. She then said with derision that I was just like my parents. She's been more and more critical of my family's lack of social graces in the last few years.
No big deal, right? But walking away, that dig compounded with lots of others just like it and I saw how she made me feel bad, and how I would respond apologetically. I made myself scarce, and took some time rebuilding my self esteem Talking to myself. Telling myself that it was her problem.
I was completely unprepared for what would happen later. I was in the kitchen, doing some prep work for our late lunch, and she walked up and said with defensiveness "so you think I've been mean to you?"
I didn't want to be wishy washy, so I said yes. She said something like that just convinced her all the more that we needed to divorce. We took the conversation in the other room, and I do NOT feel good about how I conducted myself.
Now, you guys have been very supportive of me, letting me know when you think I've done well. I'm counting on you to point out the flaws here too. I need to know why I feel so bad about this, or maybe how to recover. I think I may know why I feel so bad.
Her main point over the next hour was that I was making her to be the bad guy. If I "thought she was a bitch" I should want the marriage to be over too, and not make her take the fall for it. She also said that by wearing my ring, I was making everyone think that I'm the good guy, trying to save the marriage, and that she was the one responsible for everything.
She was so mad, and I panicked. I think I started saying pretty much whatever I thought would placate her.
For instance, I said "I don't wear my ring to prove anything. The only reason I wear it is that I'm still in love with you." This really made her mad. She said I was just pouring on the guilt. I swore that I wasn't, but there was no use.
She said the separation was just making things worse, because I was making our friends feel sorry for me. And because every time she saw me she ended up crying.
I said that I still cried every day too. I said this just to make her feel better. A few minutes later I would say that I was doing really well. Then I had to fess up that I'm not still crying every day. That was a couple of weeks ago.
She said that I would never want a divorce. I agreed. Then, worrying that she would take this as a sign she needed to take immediate action, I back tracked.
She said something about wanting to just get this over with. I asked her to wait and watch me. That I wasn't asking her to change anything, but that I was working to change myself.
She said that she would never be able to get over this. And how could I get over all the things she's said to me. Asking for divorce over and over. She said she didn't want to go to counseling, that she didn't want to do that work.
At some point she indicated that this could go on forever, and I said matter-of-factly that it would only go on until she filed. AAAAAGGGGHHHHHH. Why did I say that? Because I read it here! I'm not faulting the BB. I'm faulting myself for saying things I didn't mean.
She looked really hurt. She said "I thought we weren't going to do that. That we were going to do this together, so we didn't end up in a custody battle. You mean I have to go figure all of this out myself?"
I was almost matching her intensity at this point, which is unusual for me, and honestly, it was a bit put on. I said that divorcing wasn't something you do together. I said I didn't want to spend the next nine months doing legal procedures and splitting up assets only to end up with a big gaping hole. (This was a phrase I had rehearsed. Again, it was pur panic.)
I saw myself spinning out of control here, and told her so. I said that I regretted some of the things I'd said. That I knew I had a habit of saying what I thought people wanted to hear. She said "because you always want to be Mr. Nice Guy." She said she thought I was proud of that.
I said no, that actually I wasn't. I said that I thought that sometimes it made me manipulative, and sometimes I even lied. I said that these were things I was working on.
But this coming clean didn't make me feel any better, and I was trying so hard not to show how desperate I was for her approval, but I stepped in it a couple more times. I apologized for the remark about her filing. Then a few minutes later in the kitchen I said I felt horrible for having hurt her so much. I addressed the comment she said several times about me thinking she was a bitch. This kind of thing has been a real problem for her before because she doesn't think she's that type of a person, so if she has been lately it's because our relationship wasn't meant to be. What I said was "I understand that I haven't been the man you needed, and that in being mean to me you were crying out for the love you needed, and so I would NEVER call you a bitch." A few minutes later I said I wasn't proud of how I'd conducted myself in the conversation earlier.
Then after dinner I let a poor me remark slip out that she jumped on. It was something about only having a few Christmas treats at the apt. GAH! I apologized for the remark, but my wife went straight over and started putting goodies together for me. I refused. She seemed to be trying not to make a big deal out of it, but I kept refusing. At this point I was almost sick about my weakness and my placating, I just wanted to leave. I put on a smile and kissed the kids goodbye. She walked me to the door, and I was crying, fuming, so tired of trying to hold everything together, trying to play both sides, so frustrated at seeing someone I love so dearly so completely angry with me, thinking the worst of me. She asked what was wrong and I said I was just etremely upset about her and me. Then I remembered seeing how beautiful she was at the table talking to the kids and told her she was doing great with them, not to cry, to put this behind her and have a good night with them. And then I left.
I've already started the process of forgiving myself for the mistakes here, putting her responsibility back on her shoulders, and analyzing this whole exchange, but I'll just stop.
Aw, Rig, you didn't do all that badly... you're in a very difficult situation, and anyway, this isn't about strategy and making the correct moves, it's about being vulnerable and honest. You showed that you care and that you're hurting. Nothing wrong with that. This isn't about pretending to be cool and indifferent. Just keep in mind one of the tenets of this BB (at least it's one of mine): you can't make anyone do anything. Which means you can't make her behave well and you can't make her behave badly. She is who she is and what you do doesn't change that. The fate and future of your marriage isn't riding on how you behave on any given day.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad... but given the way your W deliberately yanks your chain, no one can blame you. She IS mean to you. You'd have to be a saint or a heartless robot not to react. I suspect she provokes you to reassure herself that you DO care. No finesse, but she does find out what she wants to know.
The best advice I can give you is NOT to get into these discussions at all. A while ago on this BB we used to refer to that sitch as your spouse jumping down in a pit and beckoning you to jump in there with them and "get into it." If you refuset to jump into the pit, then there can be no incident. If she utters one of those deliberately provocative statements and you can picture her standing in a pit full of alligators and waving at you to "come on down" maybe you can summon the willpower to walk away (literally or figuratively) and refuse to play the game.
Because it does seem like a game to me, a cruel game. She doesn't seem in search of real information during one of these incidents-- escept to ascertain that you still care about the fate of the marriage. She's pushing your hot buttons deliberately. I think you have to refuse to engage no matter how much she provokes you. You can say something like, "If you're trying to find out if I still care, I do, but that doesn't mean I'm going to get into a fight with you. I don't feel good after one of these fights, so I'm not going to get into it with you." And then end the convo, walk away, hang up, or whatever you need to do to NOT jump into the pit.
She is one very angry lady... when she spouts all that venom, can you pretend that she's speaking in a completely foreign language and that you do not understand any of the words but only hear the immense hurt and self-loathing behind the anger?
Recommit yourself to taking care of yourself. She probably feels like sh!t after one of these incidents, too. Actually she feels like sh!t before AND after... so you're doing both of you a favor by not engaging.
I must know what I'm doing, even when my needs are at a fever pitch. I forgot to expect my wife's emotions to come to a head. I panicked. I went off course. Way off course.
If I find that I'm getting off center, walk away immediately. I could not regain my footing in the midst of the argument, and just weakened the effect of my previous openness about my issues by bringing them up at the wrong time.
Don't go back to convincing, reasoning, and placating. She is angry. She is hurt. Arguments will only fuel her anger.
What Next?
I have to immediately pull back and regain my footing. I need to get my attention back off of her and back onto myself. I need to expect from her a renewed intention to divorce, and maybe even a request to move forward with filing.
What's breaking my heart
She thinks I'm stranding her, making her the bad guy. She is so alone, and so hurt, and I want to comfort her. I'm sobbing here thinking about it. I've tried to be her safe place, but she views everything I do as an underhanded attack.
Just now read your post after posting lessons learned.
I was totally blindsided. I see very clearly now that she was trying to get me to agree to divorce. She was really pulling out all the stops. She's in pain and thinks that's the answer. I have to shake this fear that I'm bad for her. I'm too hard on myself. Why would all of her friends who know me and all of her family be telling her to work it out if I were so poisonous? Besides, I'm not stopping her, even if I refuse to help her file (honestly I know nothing about divorce).
Back to work on myself. I'm going to go back and re-read my thread.
I am proud of myself. I am taking responsibility for my issues, and dealing with them. I am responding to a horrible situation with patience and love. I am refusing to let hate and resentment take me over.
But there are things I need to work on. I've got to be careful not to agree with everything my wife says, not to accept blame for things I haven't done. She says I'm wearing my ring to get sympathy. That's not true, and I don't need to defend myself.
She's blaming me for making her the bad guy, for not joining with her in ending the marriage. I don't know exactly what she's thinking...maybe secretly she just wants me to make the hard decisions. I know from the move out and telling the children experiences that she pushed all the way up to the last minute, and then stepped back and made me make the call. If that's what she's doing, it's her issue to deal with. I'm not going to spend my time trying to analyze her or show her what she's doing. For my part, I know that I'm not trying to make her the bad guy, I'm trying to restore our relationship. If she chooses to get ugly, she will do that. I will not. EVER.
I've got to be careful about looking to her for comfort. She cannot possibly give me comfort in her current state, she can only ignore or hurt me. I WILL take comfort from our friends, without talking about my wife, and I will NOT let her make me feel like a loser for doing so.
My main responsibilities are to myself and my children. I will not beat up on myself, and I will be completely engaged in life, not sitting around waiting for my wife to change.
I am still in this because of my commitment to my marriage, my commitment to my children, and my belief that my wife is just going through a phase that she can, if she chooses to, get over before we dissolve our marriage. I am working on my issues, and stalling divorce, so she can have the opportunity to change her mind.
Talking to myself. Telling myself that it was her problem.