I think you're figuring out that the best thing you can do for her is to be clear and honest with yourself and then express yourself accordingly.
Focus on that feeling of clarity you've achieved a few times... that feeling that you've been honest, you've expressed yourself and you feel good about that. Memorize that and go back to that memory... the way it feels in your body and mind.
When you're clear, it's best for both of you.
Your kids are a lot more resilient than you think. No, you don't wish this on them, but if it happens, they'll be okay. Try not to dwell on the what-if's for now. I knowi it's hard. Later this week all the tinsel-y, shiny pressure to be Happy will let up.
Don't let her make you responsible for how she feels. You are not making her feel the pressure, etc. The massage idea was good, but sometimes it's hard for someone to just relax for an hour. I know that back then if I went somewhere for the weekend to try to relax, I didn't relax enough to get into it until around Sunday afternoon, and by then it was time to come home.
