Very confusing times. Yesterday W went to hang out with her single friend. I was already in that area due to work, so I asked her to bring S14 so he and I could catch a movie.
When she dropped him off she said, "you can kiss me you know". I did, then she said "I wish I never would have said anything to anyone, then none of the drama that happened today would have happened". I told here that its good to have open communiction and that is better than finding out in 30, 60 or 90 days when I get served. (S14 was already in my car when we started to talk so he didn't hear anything). I picked up the Total Money Makeover with a gift card from Christmas. I also saw a journal there that she had thought was pretty neat when looking for one about a year ago. When she went back to buy it they were gone. I happened to find one yesterday while looking for TMM. I handed that to her, didn't make a big deal, just told her that I remembered that she had mentioned it and then couldn't find it, when I saw it I thought I better grab one before they are all gone for another year. She did like it, that was cool.
I told I was going to get going, that she looked nice and to have fun. She said, "I have fun when I'm out with you too". I didn't say anything, I just looked at her for a minute, then I said, okay. I didn't know what else to say to that one.
Then she started to get upset, saying, "I've never been more scared and f-ed up in my life than I am right now". Again, I didn't know what to say. I immediately thought of the section in DR about being careful of the tears as its most likely just guilt about breaking up the home and all that. So finally I said, I know, me too. I left to take S14 to get something to eat and catch Eragon.
Weird conversation when we got home. W got home within minutes of S14 and I. She was nice. I was in a weird spot. During one of her calls earlier she said how I was a "shithead" to her. She has said worse than that to me. For some reason, that one set me off. I was nice but quiet. I went about my business of getting the dog in and fed. Making sure S14 was all set and then I went to bed. She was awake still and asked what I was thinking. I told her that I wanted to defend myself yet couldn't. She said, "say what you want to say". I said, okay. I've been here through everything, I've done my best to be a great dad, provider and everything else that I'm supposed to be. Yes, I messed up on one part. I was jealous, I questioned you about everything you did, I was convinced something was going on. Now I know that I was wrong, not only wrong but I did a lot of damage. I don't buy into all the psycho babble and I don't think I needed more hugs when I was a kid, I think I fell into a trap that a lot of guys in my business fall into. I was slightly jealous, as were you, when we first got together, but seeing people cheating on a daily basis and all that involves, warped me a little. I started thinking everyone cheats, its just a matter of time and opportunity. I don't think that way anymore, and most importantly I don't think that way about you.
She was quiet for a minute then she said, "I know you aren't a shithead, you're a great dad and a great man. I tell everyone that. I told ____ that tonight when we were talking about this. I told her that you are great at everything you do. That it is scary how good you are at something once you decide you are going to do it. I told her that it has always been that way. I was talking only about the emotional abuse stuff. I know you are a great guy in every other regard and that any women would be lucky to have you. My parents even said how great you have been and that until today they had no idea anything was going on with us because you never let on to anything. If anything, you have been better than ever with the kids and me. Its just this one issue.
Becoming a pattern I know but I didn't know what to say. All I could think was, if you think and say that, how come you are doing what you are doing? If you know I can be great at whatever I attempt, why are you unwilling to give me time so you can see I'm great at this. (DB'ing) I just layed there without saying anything. When I thought she was asleep I went downstairs and watched MSNBC catch child predators in their online operation. That took my mind off of the R stuff and onto the important things in my life. Being a great dad so my son and daughters feel totally loved and never have to look for that father connection with anyone else.
I've kicked in to LRT mode, even though we live together. I have no choice, even with the 180s and her behavior seeming to change she still says she is done and the only reason she didn't file today is she didn't have the money.
