Any input a former WAS would like to add would be greatly appreciated. I have no idea what to do next. Ups, downs and run-arounds seem to be the rule here.
Got back late from ER. W has left to go on a field trip with D5. I have to work from 12PM to 11PM so we won't see each other today other than goodbyes this morning.
I'm kind of in a lost state right now. She talks about wanting a D, even thinking about a lawyer, doesn't intitiate any contact with me yet says its okay if I hold her hand or touch her. Last night/early morning at the ER I put my arm around her and held her hand. I asked if this was okay with her and she said, "I told you I don't mind that stuff". She came over to me this morning to kiss/hug goodbye.
Where the heck am I in this process? I want a D.., lets ML?! I want a D..., lets go see a movie together?! I feel totally discombobulated today.
I keep hanging on to something she said yesterday, "I don't know, I'm confused". Hopefully that is a good thing for me since she isn't yet resolute regarding the pursuit of a D.
Any successful, (I know, its relative), DBers out there that can read through my sitch and give me a straw to grasp.
Not real sure what to do right now.
I've been reading threads by Sven, GH, trytoohard, and others mining for diamonds. Found plenty to work with and it seems most folks put in a year of dedicated DB'ing to reach a point of peicing stasis, so to speak. At least to get to a point where the S is willing to work as well.
Tyler, I did go back and reviewed your R goals. Do you not feel like progress is being made? Could you go back and review your earlier posted goals and answer that question?
I know it's frustrating that she still sometimes brings up the D word. However, she's not emphatic about it. Her ambivalence unbalances you The fact that this continues does not mean that you are not making progress in other areas.
Remember , the purpose of writing R goals is to clarify what we want in the M, and to be able to tell when progress is being made. If your goals are not showing signs of progress, perhaps you need to rewrite them to reflect more realistic expectations of your W.
You seem to be working very hard to me. I commend you for DB in the face of an ambivalent W, who is sending mixed signals.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thanks C_L. I do need to make reviewing and tweaking my goals a daily ritual. That would go a long way towards keeping me on track.
There has been progress, I just lose sight of the progress when I encounter her ambivalence.
For instance, tonight she called me at work to let me know she would be going to praise and worship team practice early tonight and as she is driving through the town I work in enroute to practice, would I like to get something to eat.
Of course I said yes and suggested a couple of places that would be easy for her to get to and still make it to practice on time.
Everything went well. Hug and kis goodbye.I just don't know what to make of it all.
Tyler, You are DB with an ambivalent W. She has to still make a decision as to whether or not she wants to pursue a D. Seeking an attorney will help her do that.
My W and I sought an attorney four months into our separation, when it appeared we were heading for D. It wasn't the attorney that influenced the outcome. It was my positive efforts during the separation, and her missing the positives that brought us to reconciliation.
You keep DB. I see her seeking an attorney as getting prepared, in case she decides to pursue D. You keep identifying positives in your situation. Don't let this discourage you from your efforts.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Yes I'm sounding desperate. I will post more later, I have to get inside to teach a class for the next 2 hours. I am bewildered to say the least. I will try to look at it from your perspective.
That you started to reconcile, (or have?), is so encouraging to me right now.
Very confusing times. Yesterday W went to hang out with her single friend. I was already in that area due to work, so I asked her to bring S14 so he and I could catch a movie.
When she dropped him off she said, "you can kiss me you know". I did, then she said "I wish I never would have said anything to anyone, then none of the drama that happened today would have happened". I told here that its good to have open communiction and that is better than finding out in 30, 60 or 90 days when I get served. (S14 was already in my car when we started to talk so he didn't hear anything). I picked up the Total Money Makeover with a gift card from Christmas. I also saw a journal there that she had thought was pretty neat when looking for one about a year ago. When she went back to buy it they were gone. I happened to find one yesterday while looking for TMM. I handed that to her, didn't make a big deal, just told her that I remembered that she had mentioned it and then couldn't find it, when I saw it I thought I better grab one before they are all gone for another year. She did like it, that was cool.
I told I was going to get going, that she looked nice and to have fun. She said, "I have fun when I'm out with you too". I didn't say anything, I just looked at her for a minute, then I said, okay. I didn't know what else to say to that one.
Then she started to get upset, saying, "I've never been more scared and f-ed up in my life than I am right now". Again, I didn't know what to say. I immediately thought of the section in DR about being careful of the tears as its most likely just guilt about breaking up the home and all that. So finally I said, I know, me too. I left to take S14 to get something to eat and catch Eragon.
Weird conversation when we got home. W got home within minutes of S14 and I. She was nice. I was in a weird spot. During one of her calls earlier she said how I was a "shithead" to her. She has said worse than that to me. For some reason, that one set me off. I was nice but quiet. I went about my business of getting the dog in and fed. Making sure S14 was all set and then I went to bed. She was awake still and asked what I was thinking. I told her that I wanted to defend myself yet couldn't. She said, "say what you want to say". I said, okay. I've been here through everything, I've done my best to be a great dad, provider and everything else that I'm supposed to be. Yes, I messed up on one part. I was jealous, I questioned you about everything you did, I was convinced something was going on. Now I know that I was wrong, not only wrong but I did a lot of damage. I don't buy into all the psycho babble and I don't think I needed more hugs when I was a kid, I think I fell into a trap that a lot of guys in my business fall into. I was slightly jealous, as were you, when we first got together, but seeing people cheating on a daily basis and all that involves, warped me a little. I started thinking everyone cheats, its just a matter of time and opportunity. I don't think that way anymore, and most importantly I don't think that way about you.
She was quiet for a minute then she said, "I know you aren't a shithead, you're a great dad and a great man. I tell everyone that. I told ____ that tonight when we were talking about this. I told her that you are great at everything you do. That it is scary how good you are at something once you decide you are going to do it. I told her that it has always been that way. I was talking only about the emotional abuse stuff. I know you are a great guy in every other regard and that any women would be lucky to have you. My parents even said how great you have been and that until today they had no idea anything was going on with us because you never let on to anything. If anything, you have been better than ever with the kids and me. Its just this one issue.
Becoming a pattern I know but I didn't know what to say. All I could think was, if you think and say that, how come you are doing what you are doing? If you know I can be great at whatever I attempt, why are you unwilling to give me time so you can see I'm great at this. (DB'ing) I just layed there without saying anything. When I thought she was asleep I went downstairs and watched MSNBC catch child predators in their online operation. That took my mind off of the R stuff and onto the important things in my life. Being a great dad so my son and daughters feel totally loved and never have to look for that father connection with anyone else.
I've kicked in to LRT mode, even though we live together. I have no choice, even with the 180s and her behavior seeming to change she still says she is done and the only reason she didn't file today is she didn't have the money.
