The day went pretty well so far. Yesterday I was gone from 8AM until 1230AM, so she had the day to herself. W was/is sick, so its hard to know where she is right now. She is very quiet, when I ask her how she is feeling she says she is hurting from the illness and very tired. Today I left at my normal time. This week is busy, I will be gone from 8AM until 12AM tomorrow and Thursday. Friday I will be gone from 12PM until 12AM. So she should have plenty of space. I will do my best not to call her for any reason other than to talk to the kiddies. I usually call when they get home from school and at bedtime.
At times it's a challenge not to ask her where we are in the R. I'm avoiding it as much as possible, it's tough. Particularly when she is as quiet as she has been the last few days.
This morning she looked up a movie for us to see at 1130AM. That's encouraging. She actually wants to do things with me. We were going to go see it after going to my D9/5 school to help with making copies and such for D9s teacher. As we were leaving my mother called W and asked W to join her and some friends for lunch. W asked me if I was okay with that and I said yes. W said we can see the movie later, and then invited me to go to lunch with W and my mother and company. The ride to lunch was approximately 40 minutes, went okay except she started talking about her sisters divorce, (past), and the prospect of her dating one of my soon to be divorced friends. A lot of what she was saying about him moving on and such was too close for comfort to things she has said about herself and even me to some degree. Lunch went well and my mothers friends were very complimentary about me and said that W and I are a "beautiful couple". I didn't say anything but wanted to say, I want it to stay that way, what God has put together let no man put asunder.
Ride back home went okay, she was uncomfortable due to illness and sleepy from not sleeping well and meds. (all illness related). I suggested she lean the seat back and catch some sleep for the 1/2 hour or so. She said no, she needed to stay alert as the kids would be getting home after we got home and she needed to be there for them. I put my hand on her leg and held her hand some. She didn't seem to recoil and I was thankful for the progress.
On that same note, she did hug me a few times and even came by me to hug or just let me hold her. Babysteps. Kissed a few times but no real zing on them. I'm chalking that up to her not feeling well, trying to put myself in her place in that regard. She seems to be trying despite not feeling well and I'm grateful.
I dropped her at home, went in for a few moments to get some things for work. Headed out for work, we hugged and kissed, I told her I was praying for her to feel better and if she needs anything to please call asap. She stated again that she was just tired and not feeling well. She doesn't want to take the painkillers the doc prescribed. I listened and made sure not to try to 'fix anything', just listen. I told her I understood. The only thing I did say to her about this earlier in the day was that she has often told me to take my meds completely, not stop when I start feeling better and maybe she should just finish out the prescription. She agreed that she did stop taking the PKs because she started feeling better and now illness is coming back on her, so she will go ahead and finish out the prescription. I left it alone. Again trying to treat it as if I was talking to a friend. Which she is.
Anywhooo, we hugged, kissed and I said for her to have a great day. She is definitely feeling run down.
I called normal time to talk to the kiddies after school. I talked to her for a bit and it went well. I realize now the earlier talk about her sisters D and possible dating of my soon-to-be-D friend caused me to go through more of an emotional struggle than I would like at this point. When she got back on the phone after I my last child spoke with me, I wanted to ask her, "the stuff you were saying earlier sounds a lot like things you have been saying about us, do you STILL feel that way? Don't you feel anything different? Any hope? Any desire to try to fix this?" I did avoid it, didn't even come close but man o man it was tough. Sort of caught me off guard. Like when you are running, feeling pretty good and wham! You get hit with a leg cramp that puts you on your butt. Never saw it coming and nothing you can do about it but wait it out. So that's what I did. I kept my mouth shut, let her talk and didn't respond. It still snuck up on me later but I did a great job of keeping my mouth shut again and not going there.
Next call will be at bedtime to say goodnight to my kiddies.
I have to say, I really wish she would call me but I know that just isn't going to happen at this point. It will. She has before. Right now, I don't know, it's somewhere between being gun shy regarding SO many of our calls were negative so she doesn't want to go there and knowing that it's something I'd like so this is her way of giving me a little "up yours" by refusing to call.
That's okay. I almost wish I wouldn't call to talk to the kids. My S14 and D12 have cell phones now, I thought about just calling them at the end of the day to say hey and than asking one of them to let me talk to D9 and D5, thus cutting W completely out of it and avoiding any phone contact with her that she doesn't initiate.
