W left about an hour ago. We had a busy morning, the beginning of a typical Saturday for those with children, ie; games, parties and other functions.
For a brief moment I told her that I still need a time where we can sit down and organize our finances for the year. One of her big complaints about me in the past has been that I work hard, bring in the check and just dump it on her. That I don't help her with managing the finances. My 180 in this area has been to step up and try to take a bigger role in this area. She has avoided every day, time or micro-second I have tried to set aside to work on this. I know she feels really bad about the way things have gone in this area, she blames herself for mismanaging the money. I've told her that this is not entirely her fault, I should have been a better leader in this area..., so let me sit down with you and lets tackle this thing.
It definitely got tense, because I asked why in the world are you so resistant to me doing my part here? She said, what do you want from me? I admit to being ticked. I said, I don't need anything from you, I want to get my finances squared away.
She definitely wanted to fight. I walked away, went downstairs to get the kiddies ready, she followed and said several times, "I'm not stupid, why don't you just be honest and tell me what you are up to?" and she also said, "I know you, you always have a plan, I'm not stupid, I know you are going to do something".
After hearing that about 10 times, trying to ignore it and not say anything in front of the kiddies, (we also have my nephews and my D5s friends over so they were there as well), I said, "listen, when have I ever said anything about you being stupid, this isn't about stupidity, this is about getting our finances in order, these guys deserve a secure future".
She stopped, I left it alone as well and went back to getting kiddies ready to roll for the day.
When it came time for her to take my nephews to meet their dad, (her sis is divorced), she was saying goodbye to everyone, she came to me to kiss goodbye, hugged me and wouldn't let go. I'm careful of holding her when she wants to pull away, so I released her but she kept holding on to me. When she let go, I could see she was crying. I walked her to the door and asked what's up? She said I don't want to get into it, I said okay but can you give me the cliff notes, its tough to see you upset and not know what's up. She said, "you just don't know, I would give anything, do anything to be different, to change the way I feel."
Having learned from the other night when she was upset and it cascaded into a negative R talk, I left it alone, hugged her again and she kissed me. I told her thanks for giving me the abridged version, drive carefully and I'll see you after S14s game.
She left. I think I handled it right. I probably shouldn't have pushed her as little as I did, yet I didn't make a bigger issue or dig deeper into what she was dealing with. I left it alone, once she told me. This is exactly what she was going through Thursday night. I pushed it then and it went negative on me. I vowed that the next opportunity that presents itself like that I will show her that she can have those emotions, and express them to me safely without it turning into a heavy, negative thing. I decided that if given the opportunity again, I would treat it as if a friend were talking to me about the same type thing. (Which involves a good bit of mental muscle, the negative emotions she is expressing are about me, after all). Yet, I would still treat it as if a friend were saying to me, "I wish I could change the way I feel about ______, I just can't, but I would give anything to be different".
If a friend were to say that to me, I would just listen, after all, what is there to say? If my friend knew the answer, being that most of my friends are pretty intelligent I have to assume they have looked and are actively trying to find a way to change. So I would just listen and hang out with them so they wouldn't be alone.
I did the best I could with that approach given the time crunch we had going on. I hope and pray it worked.
