Last night she went out with her friend. I called at 1130PM to ask if she knew when she was leaving because my D9 and D5 had fallen asleep in our bed. I didn't want to move them until the last moment, they looked so peaceful. She was crying. I asked what was wrong and she said everything. Okay. She didn't want to talk, wanted off the phone. Okay.
She gets home and starts to talk about how she isn't going to be what I want. How she isn't going to say anything or do anything if she doesn't mean it. (I'm assuming that is in reference to ILY, ML, any type of affection). Okay. I listened. It hurt. I did tell her that one thing she was saying wasn't completely correct, that it was a miscommunication. Hopefully that is cleared up. I don't know. She was still upset this morning/today. I am at an impasse. I made the mistake of telling her today that I know this will work out. Our M/R will make it, she insisted that she will not change the way she feels, that she never has no matter how hard she has tried. She also said she is tired, its exhausting to keep trying. I didn't know what to say to that. I did say, you have tried but I wasn't doing my part so of course your feelings towards me aren't going to change. She kept insisting that nothing I or she does is going to change her. She said she can't go another year feeling like this, I told her I understand and she won't. That I've changed and so she won't feel this way because the things that caused her to feel this way won't be there.
I tried to just validate and diffuse things. She really just wanted to say how much she isn't going to change, how she has tried and no matter what she has done, change hasn't come.
I kept reminding myself to not believe anything she is saying right now.
It absolutely sucked. I'm exhausted, seriously. I could go to sleep right now and not wake up until Monday morning. This really does take a lot of effort. The hard part is knowing that she is not doing anything on her part to change the way she feels.
She also said that the thought of feeling this way in 5 years is not acceptable. Even in 1 year, she doesn't want to feel this way. I wanted to say, you know Rs take work, so we might never feel perfect, we will be in a better place, but we can never sit still. I didn't. I really wanted to because it feels like she just wants everything handed to her without effort. I could be wrong. I didn't ask, I wanted to but I let it slide.
Strange days. The strangest thing is we are getting ready for my D11's b-day party tomorrow afternoon. After that we are attending one of my co-workers going away party. I thought the weekend was going to be a fun, easy going time. Party to party, lots of fun, laughter and hanging out.
I hate to think this has anything to do with her friend, the SSA, or biased shoulder..., but I can't help it. Its a really odd coincidence, ie; time with friend before friend goes out of town, then meltdown. Hmmm.
