Your insight is great, she really is doing everything she can to justify her feelings. At one point I said, feelings change, how can we make a life decision based on feelings that can change with time and the right environment?
Her only answer was, it hasn't yet. I totally agree, unfortunately. I know the circumstances have never been different, until now. I know that even when I first began to read DR and lurk on these boards I wasn't really working at it. I was still thinking I would take a step, then she would take a step. So much of what I was doing was in anticipation of her response. I have now fully accepted the concept, It takes One to Tango. I know that now. Not that I have a choice.
She also said something about its been so long. I told that I understand and yet I still have faith and hope. I told her that I remember how she did look at me when her love for me wasn't buried under all that hurt and disappointment, I remember how incredibly great it felt to hear her say ILY when things weren't in their present state. Knowing that those feelings are still in there, just buried in a safe place away from the possibility of disappointment gives me hope.
Of course, she said that was then, I could have had all of that and it could have grown even greater by now, its gone and she doesn't want to try to get it back.
All I could say then was okay. She left. I posted here and then she called to invite me to the movie. I gotta believe that the little things she does for me and with me IS that love peeking out, I would give anything to get it to stay out here and know its safe.
She was deep into the part about me having the conversation with her about finances and splitting things and all that crap. She mentioned that I asked her if she had a time line, a D date or something. I told her I thought that was only fair to ask, wouldn't anyone want to know that? She did say today, I don't have a time but I do know that the next time you engage in any of the suspicious stuff, ie; questioning, badgering, snooping, etc., will be the last time.
I took that to mean, she won't go further at this point in pursuing the D if I don't cross that line. Which is a positive as I have no intention on going there ever again. I didn't tell her but I was thinking, that behavior was hard on me as well for a variety of reasons.
What do you guys think about the, 'next time it happens will be the last time' statement? That's got to be more hope-full than if she actually had a date in mind.
Tyler, She seems ambivalent about D to me. Respect her boundaries on that topic. You are being tested. It certainly is more hopeful that she's comtemplating D versus planning for it.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Another day going well. Woke up, got the kids out to school and then went to the gym to workout. Came home and she offered to cook some food for us before she took my S14 to the doctor. We hung out and I honestly can say I had no desire or urge to engage in any of the past disruptive behavior. Its just not there. In thinking about this further I realized that the vast majority of my issues as far as being just compulsive almost in having to say something stem from snooping or expecting.
When I would snoop I would see things that I thought were not cool or fair to me and it would just eat at me until finally I said something. Then we would have a few days of fighting, tension and the, "I'm gone, I can't do this" type talk. Same goes for expectations. When I would DB and then expect a reaction on her part, if it didn't come or if it didn't come in the way I thought it should, I would have to say something because she could always tell something was up, then she would ask what's wrong and away we would go.
Since Sunday, when I finally realized I had to give up that last bastion, expectation, things have been so much more peaceful. I'm happier. Genuinely happier, even in moments following her having to tell me how much she can't do this, doesn't believe and so on, I don't know, its hard to describe but its like I have so much peace about it.
Almost as if I am seeing this as her issue, and once you're done working through your issues, I'll be here. Even today, no ILY from me, but I did give her a hug when she was leaving. Now, earlier I had hugged her good morning and she had her hands on her chest between us again and I could almost feel her pushing me away. I backed off and went on with getting myself ready and helping with the kids. In the past that would have driven me batty and eventually I would have had to ask her what was going on. Not today. I left it alone and when it came time for her to leave and I hugged her as I mentioned above, SHE kissed me goodbye. I can promise you that had I addressed the pushing away thing that happened earlier there would have been no goodbye kiss and would have started a cascade of negative events.
I could tell she was still waiting for something to be said though because I had to call her soon after she left to run the younger kids to school to ask a question about D11's lunch. She answered the phone with a dread filled border line confrontational tone, I'm sure you folks know what I'm talking about. I was pleastant and asked my question about lunch, told her I was going and see you when you get here. She paused and I didn't want to hang up without her saying goodbye. The pause went a little longer so I said the cellphone classic line, are you there? She said yes, I'm waiting for you to say something else. I said nope, gotta go, I have to get D11 lunch ready and finish eating my breakfast so I can get to the gym.
I knew she was waiting for me to ask about the earlier push. NOPE. Because its not my issue. I'm committed to loving fully, even when rejected, to flooding my R with love, passion, compassion, kindness, patience, peace and joy. That makes me happy and makes me feel good about me.
How she chooses to respond is her issue yet I can see light starting to shine through the cracks in the wall she has built between us. Love conquers all.
I don't know if that makes sense, but its the best description I can come up with at this point.
Way to go man! and you are right, it IS her issue - not yours. You can only control your happiness, not hers.
Easy to say at times but it seems like you are getting the hang of it - does it feel like the weight of the world has been lifted?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
As I posted before, she took her ring off the other day and has not worn it since. I think she is doing this because she knows it bothers me. I guarantee if I had not said anything about it the other day while she was getting dressed..., that she would have put it on just like always. Its almost as if this another way for her to say, up yours, to me again. (MLC type thing?)
Anyway, I was wondering if I should say something about this or not? For those that have been through this, what would you recommend? I would really like to ask her if the only reason she refuses to wear it is because she knows it bothers me.
Never mind, found the answer here in a reminder thread. The issue of the rings would fall under the Don't category. I would have to talk about myself and how this is making me feel hurt, disregarded and dare I say, disrespected.
Just wanted to express my gratitude to everyone for such a great resource. Between DR and this board, I think I have so much info and support to work with. Amazing.
I'm very thankful and words can't express. Just the other night I was hurting so bad, out of the blue you know, caught me completely off guard. I thought my chest was going to cave in, I still don't know where it came from other than impatience on my part and struggling to believe. After that night, I think I truly understand the prayer; God, I believe, help my unbelief.
Anywhooo, being able to just surf through the boards here helped me stay even keeled and avoid backsliding.
Thanks everyone. I can't wait for the day when I can help others on their threads with some good words.
Patience. I keep reminding myself that love is patient. One of my goals is to flood my relationships with love, in giving so much I have to discipline myself to accept that love gives and expects nothing in return.
That's a tough one. It is very freeing though. No expectations = no disappointments. Really is a catch-22. To love without reservation, expecting nothing in return, gaining total satisfaction from giving.
My mind and body are rebeling right now. I am beginning to understand more than I want about the war the apostle Paul wrote about. The spirit trusts God totally. My mind and body want instant gratification.
I read Malachi today. I took the lessons to heart. The people said, how did we trouble you? God said, when you wondered where I was.
My PMA is high, my spirit is strong. I feel like I have a wrestling match coming up again tonight, yet I know everything will be okay. My faith in God and my DB'ing efforts won't waver. No matter how much it hurts.
