Another day going well. Woke up, got the kids out to school and then went to the gym to workout. Came home and she offered to cook some food for us before she took my S14 to the doctor. We hung out and I honestly can say I had no desire or urge to engage in any of the past disruptive behavior. Its just not there. In thinking about this further I realized that the vast majority of my issues as far as being just compulsive almost in having to say something stem from snooping or expecting.
When I would snoop I would see things that I thought were not cool or fair to me and it would just eat at me until finally I said something. Then we would have a few days of fighting, tension and the, "I'm gone, I can't do this" type talk. Same goes for expectations. When I would DB and then expect a reaction on her part, if it didn't come or if it didn't come in the way I thought it should, I would have to say something because she could always tell something was up, then she would ask what's wrong and away we would go.
Since Sunday, when I finally realized I had to give up that last bastion, expectation, things have been so much more peaceful. I'm happier. Genuinely happier, even in moments following her having to tell me how much she can't do this, doesn't believe and so on, I don't know, its hard to describe but its like I have so much peace about it.
Almost as if I am seeing this as her issue, and once you're done working through your issues, I'll be here. Even today, no ILY from me, but I did give her a hug when she was leaving. Now, earlier I had hugged her good morning and she had her hands on her chest between us again and I could almost feel her pushing me away. I backed off and went on with getting myself ready and helping with the kids. In the past that would have driven me batty and eventually I would have had to ask her what was going on. Not today. I left it alone and when it came time for her to leave and I hugged her as I mentioned above, SHE kissed me goodbye. I can promise you that had I addressed the pushing away thing that happened earlier there would have been no goodbye kiss and would have started a cascade of negative events.
I could tell she was still waiting for something to be said though because I had to call her soon after she left to run the younger kids to school to ask a question about D11's lunch. She answered the phone with a dread filled border line confrontational tone, I'm sure you folks know what I'm talking about. I was pleastant and asked my question about lunch, told her I was going and see you when you get here. She paused and I didn't want to hang up without her saying goodbye. The pause went a little longer so I said the cellphone classic line, are you there? She said yes, I'm waiting for you to say something else. I said nope, gotta go, I have to get D11 lunch ready and finish eating my breakfast so I can get to the gym.
I knew she was waiting for me to ask about the earlier push. NOPE. Because its not my issue. I'm committed to loving fully, even when rejected, to flooding my R with love, passion, compassion, kindness, patience, peace and joy. That makes me happy and makes me feel good about me.
How she chooses to respond is her issue yet I can see light starting to shine through the cracks in the wall she has built between us. Love conquers all.
I don't know if that makes sense, but its the best description I can come up with at this point.
