She told me again this morning how much she doesn't want to be here, how she won't go another year in this, she isn't even going to try and get back to feeling the way she is supposed to feel, etc.
What a rough one. I told her I want to make this work, it can work and with time she will see that it does. She threw in my face that a few weeks ago I agreed to be peaceful about giving her a D. Financial things I agreed to and such. Now I'm wavering and she knew I was going to back out of that and make this difficult.
I told her that I just don't want a D. This is my house, my kids and I don't want to be without them. I don't want to spend one moment not living with them.
I wish I never would have had that conversation with her. I was caught off guard and didn't know where to go with it, so I just tried to act cooperative. All the while telling her I don't want a D, I'm only discussing this because you keep telling me how much you want it and this is the numbers/facts side of things.
I finished this mornings conversation telling her that I don't want a D, God can fix this, that I'm working hard to do my part. She responded that she will not do anything, it will just have to happen because for years it has not even though she has prayed for her feelings to change. I told her that I understand that and I think that the difficulty in changing the way she feels is that I was still doing the things that push her away during that time. I told her that I believe this will work out, that she her feelings can be return or actually be better than she even thought possible and that our M will work out. She said I, (meaning me), want it to work out my way, and she believes that I really want it, as long as its my way. I told her I don't want it my way, I want it God's way. She said what about the years I asked for that and you wouldn't do it? I could only say, you're right, I was wrong and I'm doing it now. She said, too late, its just too late. I felt so stupid because I didn't know what to say except, no its not. I know I messed up. She said I prayed so hard for you to change and for my feelings towards you to change. I said I know and would you consider this as the answer to your prayer, that I'm changed, I'm trying hard to correct my mistakes and be a better husband and father.
She again returned to the, too late, too little type thing.
She just continued to say that she doesn't believe it, she is "gone", doesn't trust me not to hurt her, doesn't want to open herself to me and can't see how she ever will.
She left to go workout and run some errands. I am going to lie down for awhile. I'm really sick with whatever this flu/virus thing is that's going around. I'm even going to call off work today due to being sick. The combo of physical and emotional attack is wearing me down. I'm going to recharge my batteries, when I wake up my PMA will hopefully be in a better place because right now its in a bitter place.
Caution: Venting about to happen....
Sometimes I want so bad to say, you want to be gone, then get out, leave. I work my fingers to the bone to make sure you can be a stay at home mom. Then you have the audacity to suggest that I will have to leave my home and my kids because of something I don't even want? How about this, if you want out, then get out. I'll leave when I get a court order that says I have to leave. The kids stay here with me as well. Its their home too. That's why I work this hard, to make sure they have a home and are secure in that. They shouldn't have to go stay at your mom's or wherever the heck you're going to stay, since you want out so bad. As a matter of fact, I'm closing our joint account today. Screw that, in a marriage, its OUR money, but since you don't want this marriage, it's MY money. You'll get what the court says you get, until then, you figure it out because its YOUR problem, since its what you want so bad. Enjoy. Even if the court takes 40% or more, who cares?! I've been poor before, even with 50% of my check gone, I still won't be that bad off. I will fight for custody of my children, because once again, I don't want this and I'm never going to hear my kids say, why did you leave? Why didn't you try harder to keep us? I will do everything in my power to keep them. You think I can't care for them, keep them? Who the heck is going to watch them when you have to go to work now? Who the heck is going to make sure they get to practices, games and other functions now that you have work outside the home? You have said that with my schedule I would never be able to fight for custody, now we will both be in the same boat when it comes to showing who is more available to care for them as your schedule will now include a job outside the home as well.
Is it normal to have moments where I just want to go off and just tell her all of that? I always feel so guilty, like I'm betraying my efforts and my trust in God.
