Today has been a bit better. We hung out most of the day before I left for work. Kids went back to school today, we went to the gym together after kids were out the door. Then we went to Home Depot to look at paint colors and lights for some remodeling we want to do.
I am steadfast in avoiding all R talk, even if she initiates it. I prayed quite a bit yesterday, I needed to get centered again. I realized that I was starting to look for an out, that this IS hard work, and the emotional roller coaster is taxing. I have become aware of my very human side that says, hey this sucks, you deserve better treatment and then you know your mind manufactures all these great ways that you could walk away and be just fine. The probability of spending the rest of my life working this hard just sucks...
Then I realized that I had slacked off on my most important 180, dedicating myself to praying daily..., A LOT! So I did some Bible study, reading about Jesus cursing the barren Fig tree and his instruction afterwards to the disciples regarding if you ask anything in prayer and you believe, you will receive.
So I got on track, I asked God to curse the bad harvest I've sown over the years and to remove the mountain of resentment and hurt I've inflicted. I then asked for a relationship that is in line with His will, a new marriage and a new covenant between the W and I. I asked for my home and relationship to be flooded with love, forgiveness and peace.
Something definitely changed afterwards. I felt so much more relaxed. Not discussing the R is now an act of faith. I believe that this is in God's hands. I trust him to soften her heart, I will do my part. I will DB like it all depends on me and I will trust God like it all depends on him.
The R and her actions are in God's hands. My actions, attitude and faith are in my hands. I trust Him completely.
I forgot something in this update. I called to check on my D9, she had her first basketball practice tonight. W answered and put D9 on, afterwards W got on for a bit. Earlier while we were at Home Depot she mentioned going to a movie, wavered a bit, then we decided to go home, cook some popcorn and finish watching Lucky Number Slevin, we started it weeks ago and never got back to it.
The moment of truth here happened when we were driving from HD, she suggested just going home, I said, OK. She asked what does that mean? I laughed and told her that OK pretty much means OK in every language. She then said, well in the past you would get mad and take it as me not wanting to do something with you just because I want to go home. I recognized the test and the bait, (unintentional but still a bait), to go into a R type talk. I simply said, you're right about the past, but now I am saying OK because I think that you are still doing something with me, we do need to save the money for the things we just looked at and I want to finish that movie.
I left it at that. She stopped, we went home, watched the movie and had a good time. Thank God I'm finally starting to recognize some of the landmines. In the past, I would have obsessed with letting her know how much I have changed, that I didn't mean anything like I did in the past, and that I'm not doing that stuff. Which would have led into another conversation about how much she just can't believe that I've changed and on and on. All negative and harmful.
Fast forward to tonight. Her friend, the one I originally posted about, is over visiting with her kids. Typically in the past this would have bothered me, not now. I decided to believe my W, and trust her when she says there is nothing there and she doesn't want anything to happen there. I reminded myself that W has told me a hundred times that given everything in her life, ie; religious upbringing, current involvement in church, family, etc., that the same sex attraction she sometimes struggles with understanding just can't happen and has no place in her life. Soooo, I reminded myself of that, and how much I am now totally trusting God to handle the R, I told her that I was going to let her get off the phone and get back to hanging out with her friend.
She kept trying to keep me on the phone. She said, no its okay, we're just hanging out, I can talk. I told her not to worry about it and don't be rude, (joking of course), to hang up and enjoy her time hanging out.
Long pause, I mean a really long pause..., so I did the typical cell phone moment of, are you there? She said yes, so I said, Hey have a great night and I will talk to you when I get home. Another long pause and then she said, thank you, I will, thank you so much.
I could tell the 180 totally caught her off guard, it was almost as if she was holding her breath when my D9 handed the phone to her, knowing I knew that her friend, the source of quite a few arguments, was there. When I didn't even broach the topic, and then told her to go have fun, didn't keep her on the phone and left it alone, it seemed like she finally let that breath go that she was holding.
Today will be a tough one. She goes to a C session this afternoon. This C is no fan of our marriage. W goes to this C for help dealing with the sexual abuse issue. Initially this C gave her a internet address to look up info about pursuing same-sex relationships and all of that. As soon as W left the C office that day, she went into the main lobby restroom and threw that stuff in the garbage can. I found this out through her friend. Obviously, she doesn't want to pursue that, so I get some encouragement that no matter what the C might suggest, her integrity stands firm.
I just get aggravatated knowing she is there, and hearing things that might be damaging to my efforts to DB. I want her to be able to work through the abuse issue, I want her to have a safe place where she can talk, yet I really wish it was with a C that is solution oriented and marriage minded.
On a more positive note. Last night went great. I got home around 10:30PM. She cooked home-made veggie-beef soup for dinner and saved a bowl out for me. I heated it up and she invited me to sit on our bed, watch TV with her while I eat. Thats a good, solid baby step. I asked how her night went and she said good without any guardedness. I asked if her friend and kids enjoyed the soup, she said her friend ate some but her kids really loved it. Another good sign, no guardedness, no negative reactions to me going into the friend zone. My approach to this zone was a 180 and her reaction mirrored this 180. I stopped there, and we watched a new show, Dirt, while I ate. After eating I offered to massage her foot, (old injury acting up due to weather), she didn't hesitate except to say its okay if I just want to go to sleep. I asked her if she could remember the last time I went to sleep before 1 AM, she laughed and let me work on her feet. Afterwards, we cuddled for until I started to fall asleep, I moved away and she asked why. I told her I'm falling asleep and if we fall asleep cuddled up like that, we will get really hot and wake up sweaty later. That's all. Another 180, in the past, I would have been impatient or frustrated that nothing more was happening. I didn't mention the past, and how this time its different. I just said the part about getting sweaty, waking up later and left it at that. She said okay and goodnight.
Woke up this morning and I put my arm around her while we laid in bed for a few last moments, waiting for the snooze to go off. LOL. She put her hand on my arm and was relaxed, no pulling away, or I have to get going, nothing like that. The snooze went off and she said I have to get up and get the kids going, I said okay and got up myself. Another positive.
When it came time for me to leave for work, (I'm working 8AM to 11PM today), I was hugging the kids and telling them to have a great day, I love you and will see you tonight, without thinking, I hugged her as she was standing by my D11 when I hugged D11. Again, without thinking I hugged her and she hugged me back, a great hug, none of the one armed sideways hug stuff, a full on hug and hold with a kiss, before I caught myself I said ILY, have a great day, (I wasn't thinking due to this being my normal routine with the kiddies in the morning, hug/kiss/ILY/have a great day), I started to turn to leave and she said, ILY, you have a good day too.
Overall a good morning. I was really happy about our exchange as my D11 was standing nearby and out of the four kids, she has been the most upset by our fighting over the last year.
Now, I know not to make too much out of what she said. Believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do. I know full well that she could call at any moment just to make sure I know that this doesn't mean she is changing her mind or that things are any better. Of course I won't believe that, its coming from her pain, hurt and frustration with giving and giving for years with no response or change from me, so why get her hopes up now? I understand this having read DR and all the posts from WAW on this board. I'll hold my course, keep DB'ing and trusting God to take care of everything.
She doesn't really want a D. She wants peace, wholeness and for me to be what I'm supposed to be. Even when she says she just wants to be alone, I also hear her say, because then things would be peaceful. Well, truth is, she hasn't filed or even talked to an attorney so how much could she want a D? She really wants peace, safety, wholeness and to be completely trusted.
Tyler, I'm really impressed with how your countering your feelings and changing your behavior. Your faith is such a strength for you. It seems like you're breaking harmful patterns for yourself and the R.
I'm enjoying watching the progress your making.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
C_L, I am realizing more and more that we can control our feelings. Someone on here had a signature line that said something to the effect of, "your belief is your reality". That is so true. What I choose to believe is now my reality. Some might say, well that is just being delusional or in denial. Okay. Yet I don't believe that I am, so my reality is that I refuse to give up the fight. I recognize this for what it is, a challenge to save my R. A challenge I will rise to everyday for the rest of my life. Never again will I take my R and my children for granted. There is too much pain associated with losing them and too much pleasure gained being around them, particularly when I am the man I am supposed to be, ie; patient, kind, positive, strong and generally loving.
I never will take this for granted again. I think about how foolish I was, to think that there is some area in life that is free from the laws that everything else in nature are subject to, temporary insanity is what that is. If I don't exercise, I lose my muscle. If I don't read, write and challenge my mind, I lose my intellect. If I don't pray my spirit suffers and spiritual growth stops. Without concious effort put towards improvement, anything will stagnate and eventually atrophy.
Why in the world did I think that my relationships with my W and children could possibly be immune to this same condition? That my R's would just simply prosper by their own volition, without any thought or effort on my part was insane. I've learned my lesson. I strongly believe I haven't learned this too late to save my M.
I am being what I'm supposed to be, praying that God will honor this daily by softening her heart towards me and that will be enough.
tyler, this quote was dead on perfect. could I have permission to use your words in my blog, I will not take credit for them, but credit an unnamed source. I just love this paragraph and it really goes to the heart of what happens in a M over time. (oh, blog address: http://instepford.blogspot.com) Just LMK! I don't want to post anyone's words without their permission. I have a few AmyC prayers, Grasshopper, and ToughLover wisdom on there as well~
Quote: I think about how foolish I was, to think that there is some area in life that is free from the laws that everything else in nature are subject to, temporary insanity is what that is. If I don't exercise, I lose my muscle. If I don't read, write and challenge my mind, I lose my intellect. If I don't pray my spirit suffers and spiritual growth stops. Without concious effort put towards improvement, anything will stagnate and eventually atrophy.
Why in the world did I think that my relationships with my W and children could possibly be immune to this same condition? That my R's would just simply prosper by their own volition, without any thought or effort on my part was insane. I've learned my lesson. I strongly believe I haven't learned this too late to save my M.
I am being what I'm supposed to be, praying that God will honor this daily by softening her heart towards me and that will be enough.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
She told me again this morning how much she doesn't want to be here, how she won't go another year in this, she isn't even going to try and get back to feeling the way she is supposed to feel, etc.
What a rough one. I told her I want to make this work, it can work and with time she will see that it does. She threw in my face that a few weeks ago I agreed to be peaceful about giving her a D. Financial things I agreed to and such. Now I'm wavering and she knew I was going to back out of that and make this difficult.
I told her that I just don't want a D. This is my house, my kids and I don't want to be without them. I don't want to spend one moment not living with them.
I wish I never would have had that conversation with her. I was caught off guard and didn't know where to go with it, so I just tried to act cooperative. All the while telling her I don't want a D, I'm only discussing this because you keep telling me how much you want it and this is the numbers/facts side of things.
I finished this mornings conversation telling her that I don't want a D, God can fix this, that I'm working hard to do my part. She responded that she will not do anything, it will just have to happen because for years it has not even though she has prayed for her feelings to change. I told her that I understand that and I think that the difficulty in changing the way she feels is that I was still doing the things that push her away during that time. I told her that I believe this will work out, that she her feelings can be return or actually be better than she even thought possible and that our M will work out. She said I, (meaning me), want it to work out my way, and she believes that I really want it, as long as its my way. I told her I don't want it my way, I want it God's way. She said what about the years I asked for that and you wouldn't do it? I could only say, you're right, I was wrong and I'm doing it now. She said, too late, its just too late. I felt so stupid because I didn't know what to say except, no its not. I know I messed up. She said I prayed so hard for you to change and for my feelings towards you to change. I said I know and would you consider this as the answer to your prayer, that I'm changed, I'm trying hard to correct my mistakes and be a better husband and father.
She again returned to the, too late, too little type thing.
She just continued to say that she doesn't believe it, she is "gone", doesn't trust me not to hurt her, doesn't want to open herself to me and can't see how she ever will.
She left to go workout and run some errands. I am going to lie down for awhile. I'm really sick with whatever this flu/virus thing is that's going around. I'm even going to call off work today due to being sick. The combo of physical and emotional attack is wearing me down. I'm going to recharge my batteries, when I wake up my PMA will hopefully be in a better place because right now its in a bitter place.
Caution: Venting about to happen....
Sometimes I want so bad to say, you want to be gone, then get out, leave. I work my fingers to the bone to make sure you can be a stay at home mom. Then you have the audacity to suggest that I will have to leave my home and my kids because of something I don't even want? How about this, if you want out, then get out. I'll leave when I get a court order that says I have to leave. The kids stay here with me as well. Its their home too. That's why I work this hard, to make sure they have a home and are secure in that. They shouldn't have to go stay at your mom's or wherever the heck you're going to stay, since you want out so bad. As a matter of fact, I'm closing our joint account today. Screw that, in a marriage, its OUR money, but since you don't want this marriage, it's MY money. You'll get what the court says you get, until then, you figure it out because its YOUR problem, since its what you want so bad. Enjoy. Even if the court takes 40% or more, who cares?! I've been poor before, even with 50% of my check gone, I still won't be that bad off. I will fight for custody of my children, because once again, I don't want this and I'm never going to hear my kids say, why did you leave? Why didn't you try harder to keep us? I will do everything in my power to keep them. You think I can't care for them, keep them? Who the heck is going to watch them when you have to go to work now? Who the heck is going to make sure they get to practices, games and other functions now that you have work outside the home? You have said that with my schedule I would never be able to fight for custody, now we will both be in the same boat when it comes to showing who is more available to care for them as your schedule will now include a job outside the home as well.
Is it normal to have moments where I just want to go off and just tell her all of that? I always feel so guilty, like I'm betraying my efforts and my trust in God.
Honey, it's totally normal to feel that way. I was right behind you yelling "Yeah! You tell her!" Believe me, I understand. We all do.
Yeah, that too little/too late defense is CRAP. Is God too little? Is God too late? BS. She is just impatient and going on feelings. Feelings are transient. I am the expert on impatience and feeling-based actions, unfortunately, so I see what she's doing. She's just trying to justify her feelings, and it's crap. But she believes it.
Hang in there, she'll swing back another way soon. Be the anchor in the storm while she sways in the wind.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Tyler, I think it's great how you were able to not inflict any further harm on the R. It was better for you to vent online.
The advice about being an anchor in the storm is sound. Accept the storm--don't be in a hurry to be rewarded for your efforts. Get your reinforcement from others and yourself, and your faith.
She has a right to be angry and mistrustful. You have to accept the consequences for any harm or neglect you've caused over the years.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You guys are right. Thank you so much for posting and encouraging me. I really appreciate the perspective and it really builds my faith.
Earlier I posted that I was going to lie down after taking some meds. As soon as I did, she called and asked if I wanted to go see the new Rocky movie. She was already out in the area of the theater and asked if I felt up to driving out there to meet her. I honestly felt like I was stoned or something from the cold medicine but I wanted to honor her baby step, so I went. Nothing spectacular to report, but it was peaceful and I thanked God all the way there for this baby step and asked him to help me be on my best DB'ing behavior.
