Today will be a tough one. She goes to a C session this afternoon. This C is no fan of our marriage. W goes to this C for help dealing with the sexual abuse issue. Initially this C gave her a internet address to look up info about pursuing same-sex relationships and all of that. As soon as W left the C office that day, she went into the main lobby restroom and threw that stuff in the garbage can. I found this out through her friend. Obviously, she doesn't want to pursue that, so I get some encouragement that no matter what the C might suggest, her integrity stands firm.
I just get aggravatated knowing she is there, and hearing things that might be damaging to my efforts to DB. I want her to be able to work through the abuse issue, I want her to have a safe place where she can talk, yet I really wish it was with a C that is solution oriented and marriage minded.
On a more positive note. Last night went great. I got home around 10:30PM. She cooked home-made veggie-beef soup for dinner and saved a bowl out for me. I heated it up and she invited me to sit on our bed, watch TV with her while I eat. Thats a good, solid baby step. I asked how her night went and she said good without any guardedness. I asked if her friend and kids enjoyed the soup, she said her friend ate some but her kids really loved it. Another good sign, no guardedness, no negative reactions to me going into the friend zone. My approach to this zone was a 180 and her reaction mirrored this 180. I stopped there, and we watched a new show, Dirt, while I ate. After eating I offered to massage her foot, (old injury acting up due to weather), she didn't hesitate except to say its okay if I just want to go to sleep. I asked her if she could remember the last time I went to sleep before 1 AM, she laughed and let me work on her feet. Afterwards, we cuddled for until I started to fall asleep, I moved away and she asked why. I told her I'm falling asleep and if we fall asleep cuddled up like that, we will get really hot and wake up sweaty later. That's all. Another 180, in the past, I would have been impatient or frustrated that nothing more was happening. I didn't mention the past, and how this time its different. I just said the part about getting sweaty, waking up later and left it at that. She said okay and goodnight.
Woke up this morning and I put my arm around her while we laid in bed for a few last moments, waiting for the snooze to go off. LOL. She put her hand on my arm and was relaxed, no pulling away, or I have to get going, nothing like that. The snooze went off and she said I have to get up and get the kids going, I said okay and got up myself. Another positive.
When it came time for me to leave for work, (I'm working 8AM to 11PM today), I was hugging the kids and telling them to have a great day, I love you and will see you tonight, without thinking, I hugged her as she was standing by my D11 when I hugged D11. Again, without thinking I hugged her and she hugged me back, a great hug, none of the one armed sideways hug stuff, a full on hug and hold with a kiss, before I caught myself I said ILY, have a great day, (I wasn't thinking due to this being my normal routine with the kiddies in the morning, hug/kiss/ILY/have a great day), I started to turn to leave and she said, ILY, you have a good day too.
Overall a good morning. I was really happy about our exchange as my D11 was standing nearby and out of the four kids, she has been the most upset by our fighting over the last year.
Now, I know not to make too much out of what she said. Believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do. I know full well that she could call at any moment just to make sure I know that this doesn't mean she is changing her mind or that things are any better. Of course I won't believe that, its coming from her pain, hurt and frustration with giving and giving for years with no response or change from me, so why get her hopes up now? I understand this having read DR and all the posts from WAW on this board. I'll hold my course, keep DB'ing and trusting God to take care of everything.
She doesn't really want a D. She wants peace, wholeness and for me to be what I'm supposed to be. Even when she says she just wants to be alone, I also hear her say, because then things would be peaceful. Well, truth is, she hasn't filed or even talked to an attorney so how much could she want a D? She really wants peace, safety, wholeness and to be completely trusted.
