Today has been a bit better. We hung out most of the day before I left for work. Kids went back to school today, we went to the gym together after kids were out the door. Then we went to Home Depot to look at paint colors and lights for some remodeling we want to do.
I am steadfast in avoiding all R talk, even if she initiates it. I prayed quite a bit yesterday, I needed to get centered again. I realized that I was starting to look for an out, that this IS hard work, and the emotional roller coaster is taxing. I have become aware of my very human side that says, hey this sucks, you deserve better treatment and then you know your mind manufactures all these great ways that you could walk away and be just fine. The probability of spending the rest of my life working this hard just sucks...
Then I realized that I had slacked off on my most important 180, dedicating myself to praying daily..., A LOT! So I did some Bible study, reading about Jesus cursing the barren Fig tree and his instruction afterwards to the disciples regarding if you ask anything in prayer and you believe, you will receive.
So I got on track, I asked God to curse the bad harvest I've sown over the years and to remove the mountain of resentment and hurt I've inflicted. I then asked for a relationship that is in line with His will, a new marriage and a new covenant between the W and I. I asked for my home and relationship to be flooded with love, forgiveness and peace.
Something definitely changed afterwards. I felt so much more relaxed. Not discussing the R is now an act of faith. I believe that this is in God's hands. I trust him to soften her heart, I will do my part. I will DB like it all depends on me and I will trust God like it all depends on him.
The R and her actions are in God's hands. My actions, attitude and faith are in my hands. I trust Him completely.
