I guess so. It's hard though, she keeps talking about the D, how this is what she wants, how she has been gone for a long time.
I thought I knew how to respond, but I have to admit to feeling really hollow right now. I feel like I'm going to break. Weird how something simple like a ring not worn can have such an affect.
Before she hung up earlier I told her that I have changed and we can make this work, it can be a whole relationship.
She said that she can't hear that, (I'm changed, things will be better), any more, she needs to see it. Then she says good, I'm glad you've changed maybe your next relationship will be better.
It so frikkin confusing.
I have to take a shower, she will be home soon with D12, then we are taking the kids to her parents for NYE.
I am no expert but it sounds like you are on the verge of begging her, telling her anything in the hopes she will change her mind. She is too angry right now. I was doing the same thing with my H. It's only been a couple of weeks for me since the bomb hit (for a second time) but all the begging, pleading, crying, sobbing etc.etc. has done nothing
But yesterday, I told him I was taking my power back and working on healing ME. As tough as it has been, we talk but I try not to cry (always has been a weakness of mine) and DEFINITELY do not argue anymore (it rips at my heart but I think its starting to work).
He has already told me HE has to deal with things and the pain HE has caused. He said he wished he could be as strong as I am (if he only knew how weak and vulnerable I was right now) - but if that's what he sees (and needs) to sort things out, then that's the space I have to give him. Pushing him into something he's not comfortable with right now will just end up in disaster.
Hang tough - its a rough ride but we will both be stronger and better for it in the long run - regardless of the outcome
Take care Tyler and keep your chin up old boy!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Tyler, Listen and let her say what she needs to say. Don't try to get her to see your side at this time. She's angry with you. She has some emotional work to do regarding the past R. Let her pursue the D. She's talking D but is not yet pursuing it.
When's your next appointment with your therapist? Can he get you in sooner? You may need to increase the frequency of your visits. If you're feeling suicidal, call his emergency number.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
heywyre, You're so right, I am on the verge of begging. I won't. I just find myself walking around thinking, what the f***? Enough of that already, I have to get my PMA going.
C_L, I go next Tuesday, I will try to get in sooner. When she got here she started in on everything again as I was getting out of the shower. While in the shower I had already decided if she brought it up I was going to ask, as painful as it might be, 1) Have you talked to an attorney? 2) Have you done/filed the paperwork? 3) If not, when? do you have a timeline?
She said no to all three questions. She kept going about everything again, but I said nothing. I just listened and validated. I had already decided that if it came up, I was going to ask those questions, just so I know what is out there, ie; about to be served, etc., once she answered those questions, I would not defend myself, beg, or ask for anything else. Just let her talk. She has left again to take the kids to her parents, I'll be leaving to join them there as soon as my S14 gets home from his friends.
As long as none of those steps have been taken, I have a bit more hope, even if those steps are taken, I won't stop DB'ing as the things I'm doing are so necessary for me and my well being.
Don't try reasoning right now - there is no reasoning in the sitch we are both in - who the hell would have thought, on that blissful wedding day, that we would be having to deal with this crap eh?
All the best of the New Year to you - I am sure you could use a little happiness in 2007, couldn't we all?
Take care
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I get knocked down but then I get up. I gotta wonder about my sanity sometimes, we all do. Wanting when not wanted? Craziness.
I did real well after the rough morning/afternoon. Had a great night with kiddies and in-laws. I decided last night that its a new year, a new season and a new me. I make decent money. I look pretty good. I have a lot going for me. If necessary, I could live with out her. I don't want to and I will do my DB'ing ever to turn this around.
Funny thing last night. Her sister (divorced in the last year) said, in front of everyone, "my friend paid you a great compliment yesterday, she said that I should have been the one to marry you, her husband agreed, they said what a great guy you are and I was late to the dance on that one". I asked what late to the dance means, and she said that she once told her friend that my W had asked her what she thought about me, just prior to us starting to date, SIL told wife, if you don't go out with him, I will. Her friends hubby had heard that story and told her, if that conversation ever happens again about another guy, to tell whoever is asking, 'I think its a bad idea, let me go out with him first to test the waters'.
Everybody got a good laugh and it sure made me feel a lot better.
To further complicate things yesterday, W came home after my last post, after dropping D's off, asked where S14 was, I told her he was at the store with his buddies and was running late, he called and said he would be about 30 minutes longer than anticipated.
She asks if I want to ML, since no one is around?!?!
Yes..., I am confused by her. Yes, I am going to work on detaching further so her confusion doesn't become my confusion and I can keep my emotions level so I can be a great dad to my kids and friend to her while she figures out what she wants.
Just got off the phone with W. She started some R talk type stuff. Then she said she can't stand when I call because she knows it is going there?!
I called to say hi to my kiddies. She answered, she started in on the R talk..., but its my fault? I finally told her, look I tried to change the topic to things we need to do around the house and other things, 3 times I did this and you kept coming back to just because we ML yesterday doesn't mean anything is different.
I have yet to try the LRT. Should I, even though there is no physical seperation? Will it be effective if we are in the same house? Has anyone else done this with success? What are the pitfalls, landmines and what-not that I should look out for? That is, if I should even do it at this point. In DR, Michele recommends it if your spouse has said they want a D, I'm already there. She hasn't filed or anything to my knowledge, but she has talked about it, said that is how she feels, she hasn't changed, and the last thing she said to me today was, "if, and that's only if, things are to change I can't have these conversations any more". All I could think at that point was, I haven't started any R talk in weeks, I let her talk, answer her questions and such, but I definitely don't need to hear someone tell me how much I'm not wanted any longer, so why would I want to start that conversation.
I think at this point my only option might be the LRT, just to give it COMPLETE space.
Her friends hubby had heard that story and told her, if that conversation ever happens again about another guy, to tell whoever is asking, 'I think its a bad idea, let me go out with him first to test the waters'. 