Thank you C_L, cat, sven and piglet. Your words describe exactly where I am right now, not all the time, but sometimes it creeps in unexpectedly. I get caught off guard when the thoughts of resentment and wanting to bail pop up.
Piglet, here is a copy and paste of my goals from my last thread in Newcomers.
Short range goal; To create a more peaceful, strife-free environment. I will know I have reached this goal when:
A) The tension will decrease, ie; short, terse responses, the hard to describe but everyone feels it thing . B) There will be less or no extreme statements, ie; F-off!, I want out, I can't imagine that I will change how I feel about you, etc. Incumbent upon me is my response to those statements, to acheive peace I will have absolutely no response to such statements. C) Less or no anger, frustration and hatred. Acheiving this through further lovingly detaching. Simply refuse to be pulled in to any fights. Validate, if something is misunderstood then clarify but otherwise, I'm a man, I'm strong and I created this mess, I can take the heat, let her work through the emotions and just respond with love. Any other response simply cause W to entrench deeper in her story about how bad things are with me, and my defense is further proof that I haven't changed. One aid in this is reading the posts from WAW, what a great asset. I now understand their POV. The analogy of a sick child, that has complained for months, then their appendix ruptures so NOW you do something about it and don't understand why they aren't jumping up and down in gratitude..., yup, that was me. W has been asking for change for years. The bomb woke me up, yet now I have to be patient. It will come.
Those are the short, easily reached, ( ) goals. Short range goal; Medium range goals. Listing goal and then the things that will occur to indicate I'm on track.
Goal #2) To completely flood my relationships, (W & kiddies), with love, forgiveness and freedom. Building trust, respect and safety.
A) W & kiddies will initiate discussions with me about things important to them. (already happening with kiddies more and more, becoming more frequent with W, although I can tell she is still guarded.) B) W will not be afraid to be affectionate and say ILY freely. (at this time she is hot or cold in this area. She sees changes, starts to open up, but then retreats. Mucho gracias to those former WAW that have posted regarding the mental/emotional battle that is happening within W right now. Those posts help us that have created the WAW to stay the course.) C) I will make a routine of doing things with the kiddies during the weekends. I have made it a priority to attend their school and after-school functions. Now I want to move forward with doing fun things with them on weekends, ie; snowboarding, roller skating, hiking, anything that will give us opportunities to have fun and connect. In the past I have done this type of thing but then cancelled due to work or even worse, wanting to do something with my friends. The kiddies are very receptive though and although were guarded the first few times, they are willing to let go of my past mistakes see that I will follow through and its not like the other times.
Final, (for now), long range goal. The indications that I'm reaching this goal are quite a bit more ambiguous.
Goal #3, A new relationship with W & kiddies established and effects of old one erased.
A) Resentment will be gone, W's, kids and mine. Bringing up past issues will be a thing of the past. That the R will be so full of love, peace and joy that all the past things will be forgotten. B) No residual affects on my kiddies. School work hasn't really suffered, yet there have been C's where there used to be A's and B's. Some behavior issues as well with the oldest ones. They are afraid and uncertain. In the new R, they will never fear and the future of their home base is certain. C) This one is exclusive to W. She will feel the way she is supposed to feel towards me. She states often that she really, really wants to feel that way, she is really trying to get back to that feeling but she just can't. Patience. She will and I will make it happen through creating the optimal environment for that feeling and love to flourish. Again, I'm reminding myself of a post by a former WAW in which she described it as, "a big chunk of ice in my chest, waiting to thaw...". I have to be patient and give her the room/space required to work through this. Plus when that big chunk of ice melts, I don't want to get my socks wet.
