W says she wants to work on our R. Says she is committed to trying. Needs time, in her words, "you need to give me some real time to get back to the way I should feel". Talk of a separation has ended. No D talk at the moment. Some ILY, she calls the majority of the time, I call to catch up with the kiddies during the day, other than that if we talk on the phone its at her initiative. She has initiated dates and responded great when I initiated a movie recently. Still some down days and when they are down boy are they low, but majority are up and the recovery time from the lows is getting to be shorter and shorter.
I think my situation is a little past newcomers. We are past the D talk, and there aren't any R talks at the moment. I am hopeful and a lot of what I am dealing with now doesn't really seem to fit in with the great info that is being shared in Newcomers, but I'm not sure if I should be looking for guidance in this section yet either. Kind of in a weird in-between place..., maybe that IS Peicing?
Tyler, I wasn't able to find your threads. I would say you've graduated to piecing--you're no longer separated (were you separated?), she wants to work on the R, and there's no plans for D.
Keep us posted.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Welcome to piecing, do read other threads here which will help you lots, you are in the right board.
Piecing is hard, sometimes you step back 2 steps for every step forwards, sometimes it seems hopeless and you might even think itis a mistake. Don't despair nor loose hope, you both need to learn to be friends again, it does take time. I think dates are excellent for you two, as when DB's when she was away, dont' bring up R talk, she's prob still figuring herself out. My H had major personality conflicts, and until he was able to deal w/his own issues there wasnt' much for me, so it was very hard for me at the beginning but slowly, month by month we got closer.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you for your replies and support. I have been reading this forum like crazy today and a lot of the things I have read here are incredibly helpful.
One thing that I find incredulous, is my struggle now to not be resentful and vindictive. The other night I actually had the thought pass through my mind that I would have been better off to just bail as this seems to take so long. Weird.
Trust me what you feel is totally natural - we do so much work sometimes and if we do it right by Michelle's teaching, we retake control of our lives - for some of us (at least I feel this way) the first real time in our lives.
But I as hard as piecing is, the end is worth it - you will continue to grow.
Good luck - there are some great folks in the piecing forum (and visitors from others forums as well) so keep posting updates!
Happy Holidays.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Hi Tyler, Welcome to Piecing! If your W is saying she wants to work things out that is a huge step to reconciling.. congrats!
You mentioned your negative feelings. That's going to be a big hurdle for you to overcome. I think most of us here struggle with anger and resentment over how we've been treated. Once we start piecing, it seems like it should be our turn to see changes in our spouse to help heal the hurt. Unfortunately, that doesnt happen right away and we still carry the burden of being the one who gives.
Do everything you can to not let that anger poison your R. I allowed it to ruin our piecing last year. I was so caught up in how much I'd been hurt, and all the things my H should be sorry for that I forgot what a long slow process piecing is and threw my goals out the window once he came home. We ended up separated again at my request. So, don't let the slow progress discourage you and come here to vent. WAS expects us to contine to "win" them back and it can be unfair.
Thank you C_L, cat, sven and piglet. Your words describe exactly where I am right now, not all the time, but sometimes it creeps in unexpectedly. I get caught off guard when the thoughts of resentment and wanting to bail pop up.
Piglet, here is a copy and paste of my goals from my last thread in Newcomers.
Short range goal; To create a more peaceful, strife-free environment. I will know I have reached this goal when:
A) The tension will decrease, ie; short, terse responses, the hard to describe but everyone feels it thing . B) There will be less or no extreme statements, ie; F-off!, I want out, I can't imagine that I will change how I feel about you, etc. Incumbent upon me is my response to those statements, to acheive peace I will have absolutely no response to such statements. C) Less or no anger, frustration and hatred. Acheiving this through further lovingly detaching. Simply refuse to be pulled in to any fights. Validate, if something is misunderstood then clarify but otherwise, I'm a man, I'm strong and I created this mess, I can take the heat, let her work through the emotions and just respond with love. Any other response simply cause W to entrench deeper in her story about how bad things are with me, and my defense is further proof that I haven't changed. One aid in this is reading the posts from WAW, what a great asset. I now understand their POV. The analogy of a sick child, that has complained for months, then their appendix ruptures so NOW you do something about it and don't understand why they aren't jumping up and down in gratitude..., yup, that was me. W has been asking for change for years. The bomb woke me up, yet now I have to be patient. It will come.
Those are the short, easily reached, ( ) goals. Short range goal; Medium range goals. Listing goal and then the things that will occur to indicate I'm on track.
Goal #2) To completely flood my relationships, (W & kiddies), with love, forgiveness and freedom. Building trust, respect and safety.
A) W & kiddies will initiate discussions with me about things important to them. (already happening with kiddies more and more, becoming more frequent with W, although I can tell she is still guarded.) B) W will not be afraid to be affectionate and say ILY freely. (at this time she is hot or cold in this area. She sees changes, starts to open up, but then retreats. Mucho gracias to those former WAW that have posted regarding the mental/emotional battle that is happening within W right now. Those posts help us that have created the WAW to stay the course.) C) I will make a routine of doing things with the kiddies during the weekends. I have made it a priority to attend their school and after-school functions. Now I want to move forward with doing fun things with them on weekends, ie; snowboarding, roller skating, hiking, anything that will give us opportunities to have fun and connect. In the past I have done this type of thing but then cancelled due to work or even worse, wanting to do something with my friends. The kiddies are very receptive though and although were guarded the first few times, they are willing to let go of my past mistakes see that I will follow through and its not like the other times.
Final, (for now), long range goal. The indications that I'm reaching this goal are quite a bit more ambiguous.
Goal #3, A new relationship with W & kiddies established and effects of old one erased.
A) Resentment will be gone, W's, kids and mine. Bringing up past issues will be a thing of the past. That the R will be so full of love, peace and joy that all the past things will be forgotten. B) No residual affects on my kiddies. School work hasn't really suffered, yet there have been C's where there used to be A's and B's. Some behavior issues as well with the oldest ones. They are afraid and uncertain. In the new R, they will never fear and the future of their home base is certain. C) This one is exclusive to W. She will feel the way she is supposed to feel towards me. She states often that she really, really wants to feel that way, she is really trying to get back to that feeling but she just can't. Patience. She will and I will make it happen through creating the optimal environment for that feeling and love to flourish. Again, I'm reminding myself of a post by a former WAW in which she described it as, "a big chunk of ice in my chest, waiting to thaw...". I have to be patient and give her the room/space required to work through this. Plus when that big chunk of ice melts, I don't want to get my socks wet.
Tyler, These are excellent goals, well thought out, and I wish I had researched and internalized as well as you have when we first tried Piecing. I failed miserably, and we may be separating after the holidays, so KUDOS to you for sitting down and being realistic and goal-oriented.
I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
