BND - I have just caught up with your thread, and wanted to add my two cents. We are at different points on the road - your h is further along emotionally than mine, but my h is at home, although I think it may be temporary for now. So, I am adding something to the 'email incident'.
They are still in passive agressive mode, and need to blame us, in part, for what has happened. My h did the same thing in the first 'serious' talk we have had in many months. [And no, we aren't having too many of those]. I think they have a real need to assign some of the responsibility for what has happened outside of themselves, for their own self respect.
So I listened, validated, but didn't accept everything, but did it gracefully. It was a boundary for me. I said that I was sorry that he felt unloved, and for my part in making him feel that way, but that I would have welcomed him talking to me about it, and were there real obstacles to our having had that type of conversation? Then I left it. It was a nice way, I hope , of saying, don't dump all of this sh*t on me.
BND - it is tough living together after a long period apart - and your h is much more committed to your relationship than mine is to ours at this stage. But I think we are all asked to take on 'blame' and responsiblity for their actions, partly out of projection and partly because acknowledging fully what they have done is really tough.
I don't know anyone who has got back together who say it has been easy, but I also don't know anyone who says they regret it.
