Quote: I will be honest. I do not like this place and I am afraid.
Hey honey, just found out the SAME thing last night, I'm in a bit of a scare place, that the man I have now isn't the man I married. I have a broken man trying to find himself and not ready to deal w our R full force.
I guess it's wishful thinking that we keep going back to the old H, because that's all we have to compare, and it's just not the case now.
So now what? we sit and think "this is the man I have, take him or leave him"
So...
I do want him, I see glimpses of his old self, the sweet self I fell in love with. Just have to remember not to expect the whole enchilada anymore, it is a new person that is here w/me now, and I have to remember that.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
B, You know that I'm never one to sugar coat anything that I post. I'm just attempting to prepare you for what may occur. I've seen this happen to a number of posters and others off line.
We begin to see our spouse emerge from the cocoon of madness and we begin to build up our hopes and dreams that it's finally over and life will begin anew. B, it all takes time and he's still on the other coast. The true healing and rebuilding will not begin until he is back under your roof. Right now, I really do think he's testing you to see if you are going to revert back to your old ways. That testing will continue for quite a while.
Also, when he is home, he will feel very guilty and sorry and will probably make comments about how you feel and if you want him to leave he will. He will still feel a bit low and have low self esteem for a while. I know that you will encourage him. If you should happen to lose your patience over anything, and I don't mean at him, but anything, he may perceive it as you are projecting on to him. They are extremely fragile when they return home. It's like you are holding a bird egg in your hand and you have to cuddle them and make them feel safe. It's a very difficult road you will be traveling, however, you will make it because you are determined.
Yes, I understand you don't like the place where you are right now, true, it's better than where you were this time last year, but I'm only cautioning you that everything will not right itself for many months to come. You have every right to be afraid, because you are going to be entering new and unknown waters, but you've got your support team here and your family to help you swim, not sink.
Trust in God, keep positive and allow things to work slowly in the healing department. If you rush the healing once he's home, he may very well find an excuse to leave. I certainly hope not, but many do get impatient and wants things back to normal and that's where they make their biggest mistakes and it's the old two steps back and try again.
I do wish you the best, but you must keep your expectations at zero even when he comes home.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank God for tenacity...I knew my stubborness would one day pay off See...God really can use some things for good. Thank you again for letting me have a place to vent and for sounding off.
Snodderly I have always appreciated your honesty, and your patience with me. I still have moments when I wonder if all of this is really worth it.
So much time has been wasted on MLCBS.
I wonder sometimes IF the situation were reversed would he have waited this many years for me to come home.
My Beloved called me a couple of times to check in on me.
I spent most of the day in bed today with bad cramps and a migraine. Yep I LOVE being a woman.
He also told me that he felt my words to him in my email were beautifully written and he thanked me. So now I will back off in the "touchy feely" department for a while.
Last night while we were on the phone he got a "beep" from his new boss and they spent 2 1/2 hours going over the business plan and making arrangements.
He called me back and was very excited and filled me in on all of the details.
So things are still moving forwards and he is excited about coming home and setting up his home office. I am excited that I will be able to work part time and get out of the house for a few days a week.
The best part is that I get to keep the money I earn for niceties!! It has been so long since I have had any financial freedom. And...my H will be taking over the bills and finances. (I will sort of oversee this...shhhh!!)
We have been working out a budget and as he will no longer have to support 2 households things will be much better for all of us again. We need to rebuild our savings and pay off the credit cards.
My MIL owes us so much money and I am sure we will never see a dime of that money, somewhere to the tune of $45K. I sure hope she has no high hopes of me taking care of her in her old age!!
I heard from her yesterday, and it wasn't a very nice conversation, but I did tell her that from now on she can refer all questions to her Son and leave me alone.
She still has not been told of my Husband's plan to come home. She is going to be mortified! Oh to be a fly on the wall and see the womans face when she hears the news Yes I am still a wicked woman
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Quote: My MIL owes us so much money and I am sure we will never see a dime of that money, somewhere to the tune of $45K. I sure hope she has no high hopes of me taking care of her in her old age!!
I heard from her yesterday, and it wasn't a very nice conversation, but I did tell her that from now on she can refer all questions to her Son and leave me alone.
She still has not been told of my Husband's plan to come home. She is going to be mortified! Oh to be a fly on the wall and see the womans face when she hears the news
Maybe our MIL's are related in some way? Like your MIL is the wicked witch of the west and mine is the wicked witch of the east?
I think it's wonderful that you are going to be working part time. I already told myself that if my H ever comes back, that I will find myself a part-time job just to get out of the house.
You sound great and you are definetly on the right track. I hope I follow in your foot steps one day.
I believe the MIL Catch of the Day is Crow. You will enjoy seeing yours get hers SuperSized.
She is in for a serious taste of humility. That is not something you will have to choke on along with her. You have done such a terrific job all along and will never have any regrets. Now prepare youself to learn to forgive those that do not deserve it. That indeed will elevate you to a higher leve you so well deserve.
BND... Regarding your H's email, it sounds like he is mobilizing himself to come home, and rather than taking the guilt-ridden, apologetic route, he's in a defensive " strong man" mode. I really think he needs this right now to save face as a man. Your reponse was perfect, IMO... you defended yourself, threw an admiring remark in, brushed upon the adjustment period, and were hopeful. I know you are scared as there are no guarantees and your H has to work through some demons, particularly in seeing you as a person who can and will make mistakes. However, I am so very excited for you; over on the SSM board the women talk about wanting the type of sensuality that your H has been bringing to the picture. Put those fears in a box and have some fun with your man! ( and yes, I do realize you are a mom to 8 children...all the more reason to have this).
Snodderly you don't sound too encouraging. I get the feeling like you are basically telling me to get ready for the ride of my life and that he may walk away again.
The true healing and rebuilding will not begin until he is back under your roof.
I agree. When your H is 3000 miles away, the "normal" couple chores are still not really in the picture. True piecing will start when H moves back into your home. Both of you will have to start re-living as a couple and as a family. I mean, it IS different when H is visiting for a few days VS. living full-time with you/kids. The pressures of "realities" will show itself once you start living together again. Each day is a challenge to be HAPPY, to keep DBING and to keep your mouth ZIPPED up!!
BrandNewDay - A friend over on the MLC board has a husband who seems to have "crashed" and is acknowledging the pain he caused over the last 2 years. I have not gotten to that point with my WAW/MLCer and don't know how I can help her..but, I thought I would ask you and Frank_D and Grasshopper and AmyC (who have all had experience with a returning spouse) to check in on her. Please help Hopefloats! Thanks!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
owes us so much money and I am sure we will never see a dime of that money, somewhere to the tune of $45K. I sure hope she has no high hopes of me taking care of her in her old age!!
