One step at a time.........

[brandnewday]

I spent some time talking to a friend yesterday about the incident with the other couple.

I guess it is time to cut loose from this friendship.
I feel as though they are toxic to me and I have no desire to be anyones co-dependant crutch, especially at this time in my life.

It is hard for me to make these choices.
I remember when I was having my breakdown and there was nobody around for me.
I was even too afraid to post on this BB because I didn't want to appear as insane.
I had my therapist, I had God.

In some ways my friend sucks me dry. But I feel guilty also. As I posted earlier, I know how it feels to be alone in a world of chaos and problems.

I also know she is addicted to the craziness. She doesn't want to change it. She refuses to see her actions or acknowledge the things she does to instigate the fights.

AHHHHHH enough of this nonsense.

Not much happening in my little corner of the world.

My Beloved told me yesterday that all of this stuff we had gone through was so unneccesary. I don't think he even understands what happened to him.
He was also talking about the Prodigal Son, and his return to his family.

Snodderly was right.
When we shut up and learn to listen, we learn so much .

[PositivelyListening]

Hi BND,

I understand your sadness but also the need to remove these friends from your life, if they are toxic to you - and they certainly sound so as you describe it. I would encourage you, rather than just dissappearing from their lives, to let them know why. That their behavior is unhealthy and you don't want it around you. That you care about them but do not find they way they relate acceptable, and since they are not choosing to make any changes about it, you need to step away. That if something changes in the future, where they decide to get help and work on it, that you would be open to talking with them about it. Something like that, so that your boundary is stated and you have left them with options and left both you and them empowered to take action steps that would be workable.

I have been thinking about this with my H - at what point will I be able to have a real conversation with him, and set boundaries as needed when I could expect him to get it? I still believe I am dealing with someone who flips from one minute to the next, and has no sense of time. Which is very different from healthy people doing unhealthy things. Anyway...

One thing I am always happy about is coming over to your thread and reading about you amd your Beloved. I went into the archives last week, and saw some of your posts from last year, where your H was beginning to speak to you as a friend, when he was hurting. You were amazing, how you handled it. Can you give me a time to refer back to in your threads when your H was really detached and sure he was on the right path by leaving? It would help me to see how you handled that phase since that's where my H appears to be at - cocky and sure leaving is best. Of course OW is still very much in the picture. Was there an OW in your sitch a ways back? Just looking for similarites BND, as I look to you for hope! I am so happy your H is coming home. I know it makes all of us here so glad for you.

[brandnewday]

I wrote an email to my Husband last week.
I just got a reply.
I think on the whole it is positive, even though there are still a few tell tale signs of the MLC still lurking.
But I would still have to call this progress.
Snodderly if you around, can you give me some insight please.

Dear Wife,

I am sorry I have taken so long to respond. It has been important. I needed some time to let your message ferment and give you a proper response.

First, I want to say that I have enjoyed the positive changes you have made in your life. They have encouraged me and strengthened me in ways you do not understand.

You have to understand that you have not been a partner to me for a very long time. Many times I literally cried to you with my needs. I will never know why you were so harsh. But what I know now is that I LIKE who you are now and I LOVE you as a person, a friend, a mom to my children and as my wife.

This fear you have of "ghosts" is understandable. You should be fearful. I was strong enough to walk away from abuse and I can do it again. But, I want you to know I am now 100% invested in you. Before, I was only invested in myself. I don't have anything unresolved or lingering or unfinished business stuck in my head. I think your word security blanket is fair.

I like being respected and listened to and not fearful of saying the wrong thing. I have an artist's heart and I needed to express myself. Frankly, I enjoyed a safe harbor where I was not yelled at or judged. It was a safe place I could heal and rediscover who I am.

I am stronger and better because of it. And, you are enjoying the benefits.

Now that you have chosen to make hard and important changes in your life you are finally providing me with what I need in a wife...including the sexual part.

Your choices not only strengthen you, they strengthen me. They are comforting and reassuring and respectful and attractive...I could go on and on. Why would I leave something so wonderful and perfect?

Still, you and I have need for individual privacy. And, yes, no secrets. I totally agree. But, because you have removed your punitive attitude and become more reasonable, I have no fear sharing with you. I also believe you have built up so much confidence you have nothing to fear, either.

I am looking forward to you and I finally putting our baggage behind us and enjoying a rich and satisfying life together.

I am sorry it has taken me so long to write back. But, I want you to know you are the most important person in my life. You are the first one I think of in the morning. And, you are the last one I think of at night.

Happy New Year
Husband

[MissH]

WOW!

Thanks for sharing that with us BND.

I do see a little bit of MLC lingo in there like the "walk away from the abuse", but I do think overall it is VERY positive. I do think you and him will be just fine.

His letter really gives an insight to what the MLCer was thinking.

It's wonderful that he has noticed all the positive changes you have made. Remember it takes them a while to feel comfortable in their own skin.

It must be nice to get such a positive letter after all this time.

Do you have any idea when he will be home?

I wish you and your H all the best!

[Truelove]

Hi BND,
I wish you a very happy New Year. I see that your H is really working hard at the R. And yes, these are positive signs.

[ACJ]

BND,
Well your Hs response made me want to cry. Maybe there are still some MLC traits lingering but then I could also read it has him being totally honest with you. Sometimes there is no way to 'dress up' true feelings when being expressed as words. Sometimes we just have to say them and hope the person receiving them understands them in the way they were intended. He isn't trying to hide what has happened between you. He acknowledges his own 'guilt' and highlights where he believes you made mistakes. The fact that he took a while to respond is I think positive as I do believe he has thought about this.
Not long now to the 'home-coming' Then you won't have to second guess his written word b/c it will no longer be necessary. You must feel like the luckiest woman alive.
God bless

[princess_nic]

BND,

When I first read that letter, it really hurt me to hear him mention "abuse" and your "punitive attitude"; it seems like he will not let that go. OTOH, as Alison says, there are some things that cannot be dressed up. That is how he felt/feels, and he acknowledges that nothing you do gives him that reaction anymore. I do, however, think there is till some blaming going on there, as he doesn't seem to take much, if any, responsibility. Is this different when he speaks to you? How do you feel about that? If he really does believe that all this was not his fault at all, can you reconcile?

Love,
Nicola

[brandnewday]

MY RESPONSE IN QUOTES AND ITALICS

I am sorry I have taken so long to respond. It has been important. I needed some time to let your message ferment and give you a proper response.

" Thank you for doing this for me and for understanding the importance of my words ."

First, I want to say that I have enjoyed the positive changes you have made in your life. They have encouraged me and strengthened me in ways you do not understand.

" The changes I have made were necessary for me to be able to live my life to the fullest. Your encouragement only pushes me to continue to be my best.I like who I am becoming. I am not sure what ways I do not understand. I know that I have taken your words to heart and have been trying to be the encourager that you greatly lacked in your life. I want to see you succeed. I want to be your cheerleader. I believe in you. "

You have to understand that you have not been a partner to me for a very long time. Many times I literally cried to you with my needs. I will never know why you were so harsh. But what I know now is that I LIKE who you are now and I LOVE you as a person, a friend, a mom to my children and as my wife.

" I was harsh because that was the way I was taught to be. After much self examination and reflection of myself, I began to understand where these ugly traits came from. Without blaming anyone but myself, I learned that it was OK to be myself and to allow people to see my vulnerable side. That I didn't need to protect myself anymore, and that I could still be strong and firm, but I didn't need to build an impenetrable fortress around my heart. "

" WE have never discussed the depths of the hurt and abuse that I have endured throughout my life. I have shared bits and pieces. As I once told you, I felt that you were a reward from God. Unfortunately I did not fully appreciate the gift I had been given, for that I am so sorry . "

This fear you have of "ghosts" is understandable. You should be fearful. I was strong enough to walk away from abuse and I can do it again. But, I want you to know I am now 100% invested in you. Before, I was only invested in myself. I don't have anything unresolved or lingering or unfinished business stuck in my head. I think your word security blanket is fair.

" Why should I remain fearful? I don't want to live in fear and be anxious about what is waiting for me around the corner. I would hope that after all that we have been through over the past few years together that we have learned how to communicate better. I would hope that things will no longer fester and that we are now free to express ourselves and our needs to one another without fear of rejection. "

" Abuse is a very harsh word. Was I unkind? Yes. Was I unloving? Yes. Did I over-react? Yes. Was I good friend to you? No. The list can go on, but I am not here to play the blame game. We have both made mistakes. We have both hurt one another. We both have to learn how to forgive on a daily basis .I have apologized many times for my shortcomings and the fruits of my labors are not hidden. "

" I am glad you have removed the "ghosts" from your head and from your life and hopefully your cell phone.This is my only area of contention. To know and truly believe that they will never reappear,and if they should resurface that your "ghosts" will quickly exit the scene and understand that their season is now over. "

I like being respected and listened to and not fearful of saying the wrong thing. I have an artist's heart and I needed to express myself. Frankly, I enjoyed a safe harbor where I was not yelled at or judged. It was a safe place I could heal and rediscover who I am.

" I understand what you are saying here. I also understand that for that particular season of your life, perhaps that is where you felt you needed to be. We have never really discussed very much of your life away from home. I have chosen not to ask any more questions as you may have noticed. As most of the things I did ask about were half truths, I would prefer not to push for the truth anymore and just accept it as something that happened. Should you one day ever want to talk about it, I can listen and be a friend. "

I am stronger and better because of it. And, you are enjoying the benefits.

" Especially those shoulders!! "

Now that you have chosen to make hard and important changes in your life you are finally providing me with what I need in a wife...including the sexual part.

" Yes, I have made many changes. I want to make you happy. I want to please you. I want sex to be an expression of that love also. I have desires also that in time you will be able to give me as my Husband and my friend.....oh, and as my lover too!"

Your choices not only strengthen you, they strengthen me. They are comforting and reassuring and respectful and attractive...I could go on and on. Why would I leave something so wonderful and perfect?

" I would hope that things would never again get to that point. I also understand that there will be an adjustment period when you return. We must be patient with one another as we learn how to live together again. Thinking only the best of one another and knowing that we are human, and we will make mistakes, but we will work them out calmly and maturely. I don't mind a good argument, but I can not go back to the fighting ."

Still, you and I have need for individual privacy. And, yes, no secrets. I totally agree. But, because you have removed your punitive attitude and become more reasonable, I have no fear sharing with you. I also believe you have built up so much confidence you have nothing to fear, either.

" Again, as I reiterate, privacy is a must, but no secrets. I never want us to return to that place of ugliness and deceit ."

I am looking forward to you and I finally putting our baggage behind us and enjoying a rich and satisfying life together.

Thank you, that means so much to me.

I am sorry it has taken me so long to write back. But, I want you to know you are the most important person in my life. You are the first one I think of in the morning. And, you are the last one I think of at night.

Thank you for taking the time to write this I truly appreciate the depths of your words to me.

Happy New Year
Happy New Year.......Let's make it that way!!

[HSSweetheart]

WOW!!! I am so excited for you. Things may be going "good" for me right now but I still do not have the trust or openness I long for. He too has always been a very individual person and will always be, it is something I am learning to accept and not fight. I too was also harsh at times when he was telling me he was uncertain. We were raised in very different households and what I accepted as normal he thought was a problem. Because I didn't think there were problems I basically blew him off for years without realizing. Of course, as I tell him repeatedly he should've pushed his unhappiness more firmly so I realized it was serious. He would mention it and then sweep it under the rug and continue welling in unhappiness instead of the two of us solving anything. So when his decision came to separate I was essentially blindsided. My girlfriend put it best to him when she said that he couldn't expect me to be where he was at the time as it was all new to me and he had been thinking about it for years.

Please keep the positive things going! I am so happy for you.

[kikifree]

BND,
He is opening up and being honest. It is a part of the process, I hear. THat is awesome. THe good,the bad the ugly--that is still good news.

I am really happy for you and your response was great.