I really blew it this morning!!!! H asked me why there was so much tension in the air. My car was in the shop and I was waiting for a co-worker to pick me up.....had about 10 minutes to pour my heart out. I told him I was upset because we weren't working on any goals and we actually had talked more during the time of his affair. I accused him of lying (giving only one specific example). I also tried to explain that I didn't think he was having another PA, but he was spending way too much time with "new friend who happens to be a member of the opposite sex". I told him I wanted him to value me and work together to make our M better. He could be spending more time on that instead of this new friendship. He told me I was spending too much time keeping track of his life and phone calls. He told me I had been jealous for 30 years and maybe I should be the one to leave. He didn't think he should change his words or actions just so I feel better. He made a sarcastic remark about the shape of the house (since it wasn't perfectly spotless).
Then I went to work.
Came home. Had dinner together with D16. He asked if I was going to come watch tv with him.
I will go in a minute. Had to vent a bit. I am actually thinking of telling him we should just back off and not try to improve our R at this time. If I have zero expectations I won't be disappointed.
There is much to be said about the adage "Let Sleeping Dogs Lay".
I think that each time we mention things from the past at the wrong time it only creates havoc in our homes.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to bring up these issues but you have to wait for the right time, not when you only have 10 minutes and are walking out the door.
When you do this you are left with unresolved thoughts and feelings which only make you feel angry and negative about your situation.
I know it is hard keeping quiet when you feel like you are going to explode but you have to follow this route in order to accomplish your goal.
Your goal being working together to build a better relationship with your Husband.
I am the Queen of bad timing and this has been one of my goals has been to "WAIT" for the right time.
I have definately seen the rewards of my actions. I have also seen the damage I do when I open my mouth at the wrong time.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Quote: There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to bring up these issues but you have to wait for the right time, not when you only have 10 minutes and are walking out the door.
Just for clarification.....I didn't plan to bring up the issues. My H just asked about the tension and I fell apart. I do not have a very good poker face. More later. Thanks for the responses!!!!!! I WILL get back on track!!!
I think things blew up in your case because the convo started with an accusatory tone? Your H would certainly get defensive and from there get angry...
BUT he is trying to "make amends" by asking you to watch telly with him. MEN and their EGOS!!! They will not say sorry even if they feel that they've stepped over the line. This, I think is his way to "say sorry" without saying so. Know what I mean??
Quote: time keeping track of his life and phone calls
Hi there, sorry you guys have had a hard time. I see myself in your shoes, I would bring up the fact that the FM friendship bothered me. Though BND has good points, make sure next time you guys can talk when you have the time to have a calm chat. My H was also VERY zelous of his privacy when he came back, I think it has to do w/being on their own for so long that xWAS are just so defensive about their privacy and bristle if they think for a sec that we are trying to control them.
Quote: I am actually thinking of telling him we should just back off and not try to improve our R at this time.
I hope you aren't this upset anymore, and realize that saying this is just going to backfire. What do you want to accomplish? would saying this help or delay healing?
Hang in there, give it the 24hr rule and think very hard before you say whatever crosses your mind when your emotions hijack your brain.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Luckily, H is gone (for work) for the next four days. That will give us both time to think, and for me to cool off! Some of the things he said really hurt me. Me saying he was a liar sure didn't help him feel better either. Where oh where is that duct tape?!?
