On a lighter note...I think it is a great idea about the boating lessons. It will help you understand boater's safety and show some HUGE independence on your part. This may make your H step up HIS game a little....I know it is not a contest but hey....what's good for the goose is good for the gander right?!
Quote: the only thing I really needed to be secure about is myself.
welcome to the club, we got jackets
hope you have a great time at class, that sounds so cool! I think we need to wear our confidence a bit better, as much as I tried to conceal my needyness my H brought it up and boy did I feel stupid for being clingy. I really am trying not to be!
I think we need to be uber happy w/who we are and not project insecurity. Is your H a person who gets along better w/women? is he a people person? is this why he spends time w/others?
Anyways, just letting you know that I understand and hope things between you get better))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
???Maybe this belongs on someone else's thread????
H is due home tomorrow after a month of school. I plan to be mysterious and secure! Just have to hurry with the "cozy house" part. At the moment it looks like a tornado hit our house.
I feel very nervous about him coming home. I feel very distant from H now. We have talked less on the phone than usual when he is away. He hasn't told me what plane he'll be one (his car is at the airport). I am wondering if he's got plans for the Bears game. I should just ask, but I was hoping he would offer the information without me appearing nosy. Matilda
My H spent a lot of time away towards the end of our M and it is hard to reconnect and get that closeness back after each trip away. I guess just play it by ear. If he seems to want some space, give it to him, if he seems to want you to pay him a lot of attention, then do that. I don't really have good advice, as I obviously wasn't able to do it effectively and he gradually drifted away from me.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
Now I am confused about what to do. H is lying. I think he's doing it to not upset me, but how am I supposed to build back trust when he lies? Should I just ignore the lies and see what happens? Should I confront him? (The lying is new behavior-- when the PA started he told me the truth.)
Example: H said his brother called and said we were all invited over to "someone's" house for the football game. It just happens to be H's new friend who happens to be a member of the opposite sex (who I wrote about earlier...the one who picked him up from the airport).
As we were driving over this was our conversation: Me: thanks for including me. H: I wouldn't dare not after being gone for a month. You wouldn't be happy if I went without you. Me: It would be nicer if you said "I wouldn't want to go without you after being gone a month". You are right that I wanted to be with you.
That made him mad that I told him he said it wrong. I told him I was just trying to explain to him that it would be a more positive way to state it in terms of our R. I said I wanted us to have a happy, close R again.
So, we go, enjoy the game with 5 other people. When we're ready to leave I just simply say to the hostess, "thanks for including me". And she said "I should have called, but it was your H that emailed everyone and made all the arrangements". So H was lying and I found out in an innocent way. Then I went home and snooped!!! I looked at his cell phone and there were calls and text messages between them for the last 3 days.
I am concerned. I am tempted to call this person and ask how she feels about H. I want to ask her if she knows H had an affair and we almost got D'd. I want to ask her if she values our marriage. This person has been a friend of my BIL for many, many years, but H and her relationship just started since Thanksgiving. She is also a guidance counselor at a high school---certainly she understands relationship issues! I would hope that she is enjoying H's company because he is a fun guy and "safe" since he is married. One of her friends is good friends with H's brother. Maybe she just wants to have a close friendship, too. Maybe, maybe not. H's PA affair started with being a friend to someone who was lonely and needy. That is why I am concerned!!!!!!!!!!!
The other half of me thinks I should just ignore my feelings of insecurity, continue to work on my own goals and then H may stop paying her so much attention. I know I am jealous because she is cute, tiny (size 1), and has a perfectly clean house. All surface stuff....but that was the basis for my H's dissatisfaction with our marriage.
Matilda, You need to act in ways that will bring your H closer to you. You need to avoid acting in ways that will create further distance between you two. In other words, act mindfully, not reactively.
I've noticed that you haven't posted R goals. Why don't you read (or review) DR and develop some R goals? They will help you to stay grounded and look for positives in the R. Maybe your H would have a joint R goal-setting conversation, so that you will know what's important to him.
I think it's great that you have your personal goals for 07'. My personals goals were helpful, but R goals will help me to clarify what's important in the R, and to identify action steps that will let me know that progress is being made. R goals will complement personal goals.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thank you, CL. I do need to reread DB. I will work on R goals. I thought I needed to work on me first! I'm an insecure mess at the moment....but I WILL GET PAST THIS!
I like what you said: act mindfully, not reactively. Matilda
Matilda, Step 2 in DR is "Know What You Want." Michelle instructs us to list two or three things you are hoping to change or improve about your M. You are advised as you develop this to 1) think about what you want in your M, not what's missing, 2) think action, and 3) think small steps. To aid us in doing so, she asks, "when your H stops doing X, what will he be doing instead?"
Can you see how this exercise is different than working on our personal goals and the techniques of DB? Can you see how they are complementary?
Give this exercise a try and see how it changes your perspective. I did the exercise only a few days ago, and already find it helpful.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I looked at his cell phone and there were calls and text messages between them for the last 3 days. 