Hello Matilda - It's great that you feel comfortable enough to give H the space he needs. How is your daughter these days?
The first day back my H was very sweet and caring and a little worried about whether or not I really wanted him back. Since then--no effort on H's part to make me feel secure in our R.
When H was expressing his concerns how did you respond? Perhaps you had allayed his fears so well that he does not want to bring up painful memories anymore? And if H was now to make an effort to make you feel more secure in your R, what would that look like? The more specific your requests the more likely H can fulfil them.
Quote: When H was expressing his concerns how did you respond?
I think I was positive and gently reminded him that HE was the one that wanted the D. I mentioned that we would need to work on our R together. My only negative part was he needed to accept me as I was---even if it included a cluttered house. I told him I had been trying to make the perfect house, but it just wasn't happening as fast as I would like. At that time he said he understood and could tell I was working on it.
I have been decluttering one room at a time. I had been doing pretty good and had good intentions during the time he was away at school to really make a major dent. The night he surprised me by coming home was not good--kitchen table was completely covered with stuff (mail, newspapers, wrapping paper, etc)! It was not a good first impression. And then I got upset over the fact he asked this "new friend" to pick him up at the airport.....the weekend went from bad to worse.
Now I am pretending he will be home every night so try to do a little every day. I try real hard to have the kitchen area looking nice because that is the room you come into from the garage.
I have avoided talking about ow. I praise him for little things. I have mailed him funny cards and small gifts while he is away. I invited his friends over for dinner while he was home.
Quote: I hope work and parenting are also rewarding for you.
C_L, thanks for your comments. Work now is a major stress. However, during the time I thought I was getting a D I decided I shouldn't make too many changes at once. Although I am not crazy about the job it has flexibility with hours and wonderful co-workers. At this point I plan to stay thru May and then look for another job during the summer.
Parenting??? It has its ups and downs. I have a D16! We have a closer relationship than we did one year ago, but it is also a stress at times.
Quote: And if H was now to make an effort to make you feel more secure in your R, what would that look like?
Slowly, I have told H I just want to be treated better than he treats his friends. An example: he tells me my car needs to be washed. Then he tells me so and so needed help with her car so he figured out what was wrong, went to buy the part, fixed the car, AND washed it for her.
Where I don't feel secure: biggest issue right now is having friends of the opposite sex. Having a friend who he suddenly calls several times a day and she only calls him on his cell phone (I pay the cell phone bill), meets for a drink while I'm still at work, etc, does not make me feel secure.
He thinks I'm unreasonable. I have told him I'm not trying to keep him from having friends, but having friends who he pays more attention to is indeed a problem. I said I would like to be included in activities occassionally, I would feel more comfortable if the person would call at home when she knows he is home, and H and I could plan things and include her.....not me having to ask to be included after he mentions an activitiy.
Matilda, You can't control his behavior, but you can certainly influence it. No, I don't think your requests are unreasonable, but my validation isn't going to change his behavior. It doesn't sound like your conversation convinced him to change his behavior.
Have your read any of MWD's DB books? I've recently pulled my old DB book that I bought in 1996. It complements my other books, in that it's focus (as you can guess) is about having us change our behaviors to those that influence the M in positive ways, rather than intensifying efforts that are nonproductive.
I think you're too focused on what he's doing or not doing, and need to take a step back and try other behaviors that will have a greater likelihood of getting him to behave in the ways that you want.
What are you going to do to take care of yourself this weekend? What kind of goals can you put in place that will influence the R in the way that you want? What are you now doing that is exacerbating existing R problems, and your own distress?
Concerned_Listener
------------------ CL 46 W 47 M 13 yrs. S 7 months in 03-04'
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi there Matilda - I hope the weekend was a good one. I hear what you are saying about H, his F friends, and security. For a while after NG ended his affair, I used to apply the following equation:
security = trust x control
Therefore, when trust is low, control needs to be high for an acceptable level of security in a relationship. Over time it dawned on me that the only thing I really needed to be secure about is myself. As I struggled with trust, I was projecting the lack of faith in myself and my judgement onto NG. Sure, he exercised poor judgement, but what hurt me more was my 'blind faith'. Likewise, control should really be on our own actions, as opposed to controlling our spouses or even our children. Am I going anywhere with this?
Slowly, I have told H I just want to be treated better than he treats his friends. An example: he tells me my car needs to be washed. Then he tells me so and so needed help with her car so he figured out what was wrong, went to buy the part, fixed the car, AND washed it for her.
I think the fact that he told you about what he did suggests it is above board. Setting that aside, perhaps the bigger question is the apparent linkage between how you perceive his 'treatment' of you, and your feeling of security. Matilda, you are wonderful person, regardless of how anyone may choose to behave. How you respond to folks who are less than respectful of course is your choice.
The fact that H came back earlier than scheduled from his school suggests he may be 'eager' to be home. Perhaps when he pointed out that your car needed a wash, it may have been opportune to suggest a trip to the car wash together? As you are de-cluttering the house, are there any specific things H takes care of?
I have to run, will be back later. Hugs to you, Slowly
the only thing I really needed to be secure about is myself. the only thing I really needed to be secure about is myself. the only thing I really needed to be secure about is myself. the only thing I really needed to be secure about is myself.
So, that is where I will concentrate. Thanks, Slowly!
So how are you? I catch you checking up on me every now and again.....I appreciate that. Hope things are rolling along for you. Mine? My recent post says it all.....but other than that...I'm doing great.
I feel a bit stuck, but work is really busy and stressful right now and that doesn't help how I feel when I get home. D16 has awful grades and doesn't seem to care. H has been gone most of the past month for business and that has added a strain.
Far, I am trying to be proactive and I signed up for a class on power boating taught by the Coast Guard. (remember H bought a boat after he decided that D wasn't the way to go) Wonder if they will teach me how to jump onto the dock and tie up the boat? It looks like the class will be 8 weeks, 2 hours each so I ought to learn something!!! It starts in Feb. I hope the boat will be the key to a fun activity together! Right now I feel more distant from my H than I did when we were talking D! Crazy!
