Hi there Matilda - I hope the weekend was a good one. I hear what you are saying about H, his F friends, and security. For a while after NG ended his affair, I used to apply the following equation:
security = trust x control
Therefore, when trust is low, control needs to be high for an acceptable level of security in a relationship. Over time it dawned on me that the only thing I really needed to be secure about is myself. As I struggled with trust, I was projecting the lack of faith in myself and my judgement onto NG. Sure, he exercised poor judgement, but what hurt me more was my 'blind faith'. Likewise, control should really be on our own actions, as opposed to controlling our spouses or even our children. Am I going anywhere with this?
Slowly, I have told H I just want to be treated better than he treats his friends. An example: he tells me my car needs to be washed. Then he tells me so and so needed help with her car so he figured out what was wrong, went to buy the part, fixed the car, AND washed it for her.
I think the fact that he told you about what he did suggests it is above board. Setting that aside, perhaps the bigger question is the apparent linkage between how you perceive his 'treatment' of you, and your feeling of security. Matilda, you are wonderful person, regardless of how anyone may choose to behave. How you respond to folks who are less than respectful of course is your choice.
The fact that H came back earlier than scheduled from his school suggests he may be 'eager' to be home. Perhaps when he pointed out that your car needed a wash, it may have been opportune to suggest a trip to the car wash together? As you are de-cluttering the house, are there any specific things H takes care of?
I have to run, will be back later. Hugs to you, Slowly
