Time to start a new thread after a 2 month break. I've been over in Newcomers for over a year and luckily find myself in Piecing. Hit a big bump this weekend so came back here to get some inspiration!
Here's a recap: M 29years 1 D16 H had an on again/off again EA for over 3 years (never admitted to PA)
June 06 he said he wanted a D and made an appt with a Divorce Mediator two days later. He never officially left the house.Never wanted me to tell friends or family. Never filed (was waiting for Jan 07 divorce so we could keep the tax advantage of filing jointly)
In Sept he came home, asked if I still loved him, and said he thought it was silly to try to start a new family when he already had a good one.
I welcomed him home. Tried to give him space. I saw gradual progression: put wedding ring back on, deleted ow from cell phone, then email, and finally took photo of them together out of wallet (over a 2 month period).
H wanted no part in MC. Won't read any books. Doesn't really want to talk R at all.
He's been doing more things with his brother and two of BIL's friends (who are women). I am often included. All of a sudden this past month H has been helping one of the "friends" in particular. She has been added to his cell phone and to the email address book.
So this weekend I go into a jealous mode. He over-reacts and asks if I want him to be a prisoner in his own home. He is mad that I don't want him to have friends of the opposite sex. I simply say I want to be treated better than his friends.
Since this is getting to be way too long the bottom line is he said he loves me, but hasn't gotten "back IN love". He says he is trying. I told him the new friendship hurt because the affair was still too fresh. He said he understood that, but feels the jealously is all my problem! I believe my uneasy feeling is grounded in the fact he is still not back IN love with me and I sensed that. This weekend is the first time he's said it, though.
Matilda I haven't been on the BB in months. I am so glad to see you in this forum. You deserve it. I'll find your old threads and catch up if I can, but know that you remain in my heart.
My H is also not IN love yet, he hasn't said it and we've done lots of progress and he likes being w/me, but he never tells me ILY after I sait it to him.
In an article I read men tend to downplay the hurt of the A, so I can fully understand that your H is baffled that it bothers you that he is having a FF. My H actually asked me "are you still thinking about that? (A)" Sooooooooo, if you feel he is spending too much time w/him try to engage him in activities w/you, so that you guys spend more time together. Over all, do try your best to be confident, confidence is appealing.
It would bother me too, does he see her/talk to her often during the week?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: I told him the new friendship hurt because the affair was still too fresh. He said he understood that, but feels the jealously is all my problem!
That's funny, my husband used to say things like that too and used my "jealousy" as one of the excuses for his most recent affair (and I acted MUCH less jealous than a typical spouse!). I personally think attacks like these are like a smoke screen. I think it's a counterattack to draw attention away from what he's doing. I wouldn't feel comfortable about my husband having close female friendships while working on a marriage.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thank you so much for responding.... you all made me feel less crazy already!! I think I had a better PMA before H "recommitted".
I am trying hard not to snoop about the phone calls. I did actually suggest he tell his friend(s) that it was ok to call on our house phone when they know he is home. It seems less secretive. Knowing me I'll take a close look at the phone bill when it arrives.
H is actually away again for training, but he'll be off the next 2 weekends. One good thing is he has agreed to spend Christmas with my family. Only one sister knows the whole story. The others think he was having a MLC due to his job.
I'll start working on my confidence level and plan some joint activities. Thanks for the suggestions. Keep them coming!
Hi there Matilda - H seems to be in a far better place than he was a year ago, and much of the kudos must go to you for making him comfortable enough to take a reality check It is precisely these little bumps that we need goals for - they help us see how much has been achieved, regardless of the odd hurdle.
Now sweetie, how in his eyes, have you changed? Remember all the principles of dbing, the mystery, the 180, etc - of all these, which do you think will make him sit back and say, gosh, WHO is this fascinating woman? Certainly with NG I found that going out with my friends and being elusive makes him hunt that little harder. Some men seem to crave that. Try anything, see what gets the response you are looking for.
Make you the focus of his thoughts, not this other 'friend'.
It is precisely these little bumps that we need goals for - they help us see how much has been achieved, regardless of the odd hurdle.