Sweetie, first, I hopeyou're having a really nice day today. I hope that you're surrounded by family and friends.
I know what you're going through...remember? I'm almost on the exact same wavelength.
So, since I'm kinda in the same spot, I'll tell you what I think, kinda like you tell me what you think on my thread.
I think snodderly and lael are dead on. Leave him alone. No expectations. You jumped the gun. This is all craziness. He cannot open your gift because it is supreme guilt to open it, it is to face everything he has done, and he is running from the bottom so hard, fighting to keep from hitting it.
He opened your gift last year and got you one, because he was not as depressed as now, b/c he was cocky, arrogant, and in thick replay. He did not feel guilty and ashamed overtly. He could open a nice gift from Hope, and not flinch...fake gratitude an toss it away. He could give you one too, and pretend. He can't do that anymore. Those actions evoke so much more emotions and meaning now.....I truly think they now realize the farce of such actions in the face of their recent behaviors. They realize what a joke it would be to open a gift from your wonderful W when you have been such an a$$. Or to give her a gift for WHAT??? To make up for all that you have done?
I'm not saying this is how I feel--it is what THEY feel. It's actually quite respectful, if you think about it. He can't articulate that to you, so he says he has not "had time." To open that gift is to remember each holiday, to remember all that he lost and trashed, all that he tossed away, and the mess his life is now.
So, detach, dear. NO MORE CONTACT / OUTREACH. Here is where I want to reach out to you, since we're on the same page.
Starting today, let's make a pact. Let's see how long we can go with no overt contact. What has been the longest time of no contact with you and H since MLC started? Mine is right now, 8.5 weeks. YAY! Set a goal to beat your last time. It is only disappointment. I know it's nuts that they don't call or reach out, but leave him alone. It does no one any good.
I want to see how you feel with no contact at Jan 15. That is a few weeks. It will be easier as you go through it.
I think others are right.....a crucial element of MLC (which is inherently narcissistic, BP and every other horrible mental illness packed into this insane time) is wanting to be wanted.....by other women, by your workplace, mostly by your spouse. Wanting to treat them like crap, and have them waiting, wanting, begging, pleading. As much as it pushes them away, they want it too. To be wanted and loved and cared for. When my H pushed me away, and told me not to call and get out of the house, I did. He denied asking me to leave (b/c he cannot face he actually did that), and wondered (to others) why I did not call, or tell him where I was. He was shocked I could do that. He is shocked I date, that I told him I would not stand in the way of a D. It's me letting go and not caring anymore. Shocked I don't call him for holidays or b-days. That I still live here and do well at work. Shocked that I have not fallen apart and pleading for him.
They are all shocked that we can do this. In other posts from MLCers, it's when the LBS starts to move on, without turning back, when they move through the MLC, or start slowly turning. Because us holding on is part of the MLC tunnel. So let go.
Really, sweetie, no more gifts, texts, calls, letters, or contact unless it is ESSENTIAL. And, since neither of us have kids with these men, there is really little essential contact.
OK, Jan 15 is the goal date for NO CONTACT!!!!! Then we push it more and more!
What a BEAUTIFUL and UPLIFTING post! I TRULY needed that today, too! I am in the same boat as you and Hopefloats, YR, Aid, etc. right now! Reading this today made me feel like I am not alone and I have people surrounding me helping get through this next phase.
Thank you so much! You helped ME more than you will ever know!
not sure if you still remember me from last year. I have been catching up on your sitch after a long time off the bb.
I understand how you must feel torn. Going dark lets in the possibility that they might NOT seek us out, right? or that they will feel rejected or that we are "mean".
I do agree though that our Hs need to know what it is like not to have us around. In the end isn't it better now when there is still some possibility of creating a new R in the future rather than in a year or whenever when we have long ago completely moved on with no interest in turning back?
Anyway, going dark is not as final as an ultimatum and you can always stop if you decide too. Sounds though like REALLY going dark would indeed be a 180 for you (as it would to me).
You are so strong and kind. I am so impressed to see you still following what you feel in your gut and beleive in ... that takes courage!
Have a wonderful Holiday!
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Hello. I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas/Holiday. I spent mine with family and I must say it was very nice.
I wanted to thank everyone for their holiday wishes posted here; it meant so much to read them tonight.
Spitfire, I loved your post; thank you for that. I will heed your words. Lael, your explanation about the package was really needed and I appreciated it very much. It very well could be the reason. I will keep it in mind that this is why he didn't open it right away.
Incidentally, I did not contact him at ALL and have not heard from him except for one text on Christmas day that he sent. It just said, "Merry Christmas." I waited an hour before replying the same thing back to him. And that was it. Nothing more said between us.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
At least there was contact. I would have even settled for a text message. H completely ignored me on Christmas. Even ignored the cookies and fudge I sent to him.
Glad you had a good Christmas.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
brava 