I've been keeping very dark and H has done the same. Nothing from him in a while now. The reasons could be many, or few. I don't know. At least last year he was thoughtful enough to do something to acknowledge Christmas for me (he got me a gift card). It isn't that I need a present, but the effort last year was so appreciated by me because he was in the throes of replay then. This year, nothing at all. So I've gone from bad to worse I guess.
It will be very hard to get through now-Christmas day without caving in. I'll do the best that I can. Thoughts run through my head of H having a fabulous holiday spent with his new "friend" or whomever while I think about him and all our holidays shared together as a family.
I'm not nearly as down as I was last Christmas but I'm still hurting inside a great deal. I think last year I was in partial denial and thought he was still going to come back. Now things are so different and we are no closer to being back together at all. I wish I could just shut off the hurt and the feelings I have left for him, and move on cleanly! How wonderful that would be. But I can't do it. Sometimes it wells up in my throat and I feel like I'm choking on the sadness, if that makes any sense. Ugh.
Pushing my way through it...
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
This time of year compounds our emotions, up or down. I had a short phone call to my dad tonight as I was consumed with one of those moments you describe and just needed someone or something to grab for a moment of sanity. We shared our common ground. He lost his W (my Mom) a few years ago to a stroke. I lost my W to something very very similar. Both were fatal to our M. Both will be very hard for us to get past. We both loved my mom. We both loved my W. They are both gone. It hurts.
But after a few moments, we hung up, I turned on my tree lights and poured first drink in three weeks. Started cleaning around house to keep busy. We find things that help us shake it off. That is all we can do at those lowest moments, while we hold our breath and wait for it to pass. Focusing on it makes it last longer. Let's don't. Let's look at some lights and see them sparkle. Let's think about who we might be looking at those very lights with this time next year.
I don't know who I will be with. Maybe someone new. Maybe my dad or my sons. Or maybe with the new me, someone I very much look forward to getting to know this coming year. My Christmas wish is for you to find that same someone in your life.
What is the timeline for your situation? I am feeling much the same as you at times. I have been at this MLC thing for 2 years and 9 months. Separated for 16 months. I still have great hope for a reconciliation later on down the road.
The difference in my situation is that husband has a bandaid OW and has not yet realized what he has done. Last year, H was here for Christmas eve and Christmas day. This was before OW (who was a close friend of ours). The fact that he will not be spending any time with me is bothering me alot. But I have tried to tell myself that he will not have the kind of Christmas that he had last year. He will have a little bit with OW but not with her family (he is not welcome there, OW's family are mad at her for losing her H) and a little bit with his brother, nephew, and our Ss.
I know in my heart that he will miss spending time with me and I will do nothing to allow him to speak with me or see me on that day if possible. It is time our Hs really get a taste of life without us. We are the prize. They must earn the prize.
Try to enjoy the holidays and when you think of what you are missing tell yourself that he is missing more. We are surrounded by people who love us.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
He is so mean. I really shouldn't give anymore thought to him, he doesn't deserve it. I wanted to know if my package ever arrived to him so I sent a text asking could he please acknowledge that the box arrived? He wrote back, 'sorry. I got it.' I was insulted. And angry. I wrote, 'You're welcome, too.' and I hope he heard the sarcasm intended. He replied that he was trying to sleep and hadn't even opened the box yet. He just doesn't care. I really need to stop caring in return. If ow had sent a box I'll bet he would have opened it in 5 minutes. I send something, and it sits unopened for days.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Please, from this day forward, do not email, call or text message him. He's in a funk and doesn't want to be bothererd w/anyone or anything. The holidays are a depressing time for them, just as they are for us. However, we can handle the situation much better because our coping skills are better and yes, we have support teams all over the place.
You've had your feelings hurt this morning, this should be a good reminder not to contact him again, if you get the itch to call him. Leave him alone! He doesn't want to deal w/life in general.
Hope, I know you love this guy and you want to reconcile, but it's not going to happen any time soon. The more you try to reach out to him, the harder he's going to pull and push you away.
It's time for you to keep the focus on you and your holiday plans. Leave your h out there to sit in a funk all alone in the house. He'll figure things out in his own time.
BTW, if you do happen to send him packages or letters in the future, request "tracking". You can then track them by a tracking code and then you won't have to subject yourself to his rude remarks by tracking them online.
Your expectation level is still set at medium to high for him. Drop it back to zero. Don't expect a card, gift or any type of acknowledgement from him during this time. It's evident that he wasn't planning to let you know about the delivery of your package to him for a while. He's too down in the mouth to care about anyone's feelings but his own.
Hope, do something nice for yourself today and do not contact him again! Leave him out there to twist in the wind for a very long time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Believe me, snodderly, I don't expect to reconcile with H any time soon if at all. I'm just hurt that he was so callous about it. And to me, it says a lot that he didn't even open up the box yet. Unopened = not important or interesting.
I think he's done with me and what happened last month when I visited was a test for himself. I hate coming to this realization at Christmastime, but it is what it is. I know he's still very much depressed but even in many of his worse moments he would always be somewhat receptive and responsive to me. Now, nothing. I had to ask and he was rude in response.
I just hope he gives puppy the gifts I sent. Thanks for your advice, snodderly. I really do appreciate it.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
You are so kind and patient. Your wise words of advice help so many people here. Thank you.
Hope,
I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. If I could give you one present I would give you the ability to not care about your H anymore. And that doesn't make you a bad person or mean that you don't want to stand for your marriage. One thing that really helped me get to this point is when I came to the realization that the man I loved did not exist. In my case, he NEVER existed. In your case, I believe he doesn't exist anymore. This man walking around in your H's body is NOT the man you love. That man is gone. You are allowing this "stranger" to hurt you. You are assigning behaviors of this stranger to those you would expect from the man you loved. He isn't that man and he may never be that man again. You would not let an aquaintance treat you like this. You would walk away, avoid, ignore,stay out of their way, whatever. But you would not keep subjecting yourself to mistreatment from an aquaintance. That, at best, is all your H is.
Don't second guess your decision to move away from your H. I know you had no choice. But still, it was the right move. You think that by not being close, you have hurt your chances for a reconciliation. Hope, your H knows where you are. He will find you if, and when, he ever wants to.
Hope, there is only one chance for your H. You have to stop caring about him. You are aiding and abetting his MLC because you are still THERE for him. And he knows it. Get out of the way! No texts, no phone calls, no trips back to see him and puppy, no contact! Let him twist in the wind like Snodderly suggests. Through this whole ordeal with your H, what has been the one constant? You have always been reachable. You always cave in and have some kind of contact with him. And what has been the result? Moments where you feel pretty happy with him and many, many moments where he breaks your heart. You have probably asked yourself over and over, "How can he do this to me?" Hope, how can you do this to yourself?
You are good, decent soul. Many people have come to love you on these boards because your goodness and sweetness comes through in your posts. Many, many people follow your thread. Why do you think that is? People are attracted to you, Hope. You're lovely and likeable and a really neat person. You have a lot to offer the world.
I wish you a wonderful Christmas with the family that loves you. I wish you a peaceful, productive new year.
((((((((((Hope))))))))))
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I wanted to address the issue with the box. As you may remember, I went through somewhat of a MLC before my H started his. He didn't open the box, for the same reason that when we have an open wound, we don't like looking under the bandage. He didn't want to be reminded of the big gaping hole in his life. As long as that wound is covered, it doesn't hurt. Avoidance is key to a person in MLC.
The box might not have contained anything out of the ordinary, but to him the box represents a part of his life that he is missing. Until he is ready to deal with it, he will avoid anything associated with it.
When I was in MLC, I avoided using a gift card my H gave to me. I didn't want to have to think about him, or purchase anything with it, that would remind me of him, and our situation. It wasn't a lack of respect, I just didn't want to deal with it.
My H has avoided a lot of things this past year. I couldn't tell you how many times sleep has been his excuse for not being able to answer a simple question, or have a short conversation with me. Another good one has been that his cell phone is low on charge. It's frustrating, but I guess it's all they can give us right now.
Have a merry Christmas Hope, and I hope that next year will be a new beginning for you.
