I've been keeping very dark and H has done the same. Nothing from him in a while now. The reasons could be many, or few. I don't know. At least last year he was thoughtful enough to do something to acknowledge Christmas for me (he got me a gift card). It isn't that I need a present, but the effort last year was so appreciated by me because he was in the throes of replay then. This year, nothing at all. So I've gone from bad to worse I guess.
It will be very hard to get through now-Christmas day without caving in. I'll do the best that I can. Thoughts run through my head of H having a fabulous holiday spent with his new "friend" or whomever while I think about him and all our holidays shared together as a family.
I'm not nearly as down as I was last Christmas but I'm still hurting inside a great deal. I think last year I was in partial denial and thought he was still going to come back. Now things are so different and we are no closer to being back together at all. I wish I could just shut off the hurt and the feelings I have left for him, and move on cleanly! How wonderful that would be. But I can't do it. Sometimes it wells up in my throat and I feel like I'm choking on the sadness, if that makes any sense. Ugh.
Pushing my way through it...
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
